[Irine]

And how easily it gets triggered!
and i ****ing hate it!
this fear of abandonment is destroying me
I am getting to know its root causes, etc...i have been working to get to know where it comes from and i know that logically this is not there and no one is abandoning me but ...
well...
i have been working on letting go and TRULY opening up to myself lately...and what came out is that it is there even though i know where its coming from. Its there as always been. It doesn`t go away...on its own.......i can pretend to feel myself in my head that everything is ok logically. observantly - but no matter what don`t stop feeling that way
So i won`t strain to pretend....

[Perna]

Yes, it's only as I slowly got to know myself better and how strong and capable I am that the fear of other people abandoning me got less. Too, I learned to stay more in the moment (where I'm not abandoned. . . yet :-) and that helped too. When I was terminating in therapy, I'd get anxious and then remind myself that right now, this session, was not the last one and I didn't have to think about/expect that right then but could work toward where it would be okay but right now, I am all right by myself.

[shezbut]

Even though I know that it is normal for me to have this fear, it doesn't make me feel any better when it strikes.

Just last week, I was struck by panic that things were over between my bf and I. I quickly became all wrapped up in the fear. Took my things out of his apartment, started avoiding him, etc. and nothing had even happened. I just got so wrapped up in this intense fear that he was going to leave me, for another woman...eventually.

After a few days of chaos, I went against my instinct to just keep quiet. I told my bf that I had these feelings. I was bawling, in fear of being correct. My instincts were wrong. He wasn't leaving me. He loves me!

All of that panic and planning for nothing. Stupid. [Okay, don't kick yourself Shez.].... I did the right thing eventually. I faced the fear to get through it.

[Irine]

Thats right! Facing it is the first step! I just always want to see myself as strong and more rational - so i tell myself to analyze and know this all is not true. damn it. well.....it was a form of denial staying in my head. this weekend i faced...
~sigs~

[shezbut]

It is SO hard!! I hope that your weekend went okay.

[Irine]

my friend is not online i called him hasn`t been online since Sunday. i hoped so much he would call ...we talked on Skype las Friday and i miss and worry........

[sugahorse1]

I cannot get my head around this; it often cripples me too.
My meds keep me somewhat numb to this, but I want to talk to T about it...

[Irine]

Its our heart we need to get around it...not just our head....

[PleaseHelp]

I am still learning to deal with the fact that I have BPD and it is a problem for me. Thank you for this thread.

I have HUGE abaddoment issues. I know where they stem from, but that doesn't help. I too keep getting into fights with my bf and have either left our relationship or talked about it quite a bit. (In May we'll have been together 4 years) He has been great at listening and putting up with it and trying to be as supportive as he can.

Have any of you ever read the book "Sometimes I act crazy - living with BPD"? I read it many years ago and recently just bought it to read again. The thing I like about this book is that it isn't just for us but also for our loved ones.

Sorry this was a long post.

[shezbut]

Hi Please Help,

No I haven't read that book. I guess that I'll have to check it out sometime

I have read Stranger in the Mirror (I think that's the name of it), it fits me to a tee! Very good book, in seeing that there are others with similar experiences. Memories tickling us uncomfortably ~ wanting to escape the intense emotions ~ the memories becoming stronger, more clear as we continue working with our T's. Getting to the point of complete acceptance isn't easy. It is a long road. The book is also written for therapists and loved ones, to help them gain a better understanding of the BPD mind.

Don't worry about the length of your post, it wasn't too long. Many are much, much longer ~ trust me! (I'm one of those "lengthy types")

[peaches100]

I relate ever so much, and so painfully, with the fear of abandonment also! For some reason, i don't feel it with my husband. I've been with him 28 years, maybe that's why. i know he loves me and isn't going anywhere. But with my therapist, i feel it constantly!! That fear of being rejected and abandoned. Of her not caring. Of her upcoming retirement in the near future (but not yet planned).

It doesn't take much of anything to get my abandonment fears triggered. If i email and she doesn't reply. . .or she fails to reply to something i've said about our t relationship. . .i feel hurt and rejected. When we talk about it, she always says she's not abandoning me, and that my fears are related to my early experiences with my mom. But they feel like the fears are related to her. when i think she is rejecting me, i feel panicked, and sick to my stomach. i tell myself over and over that I'm an adult now, it's 2011, my t is not really abandoning me, and that I'm OK by myself. But it's not how i feel inside when i get triggered. it feels so scary!

Lately, my t has been taking alot of time off, and i've had to miss some sessions with her. I'm used to having weekly sessions, but have had to miss 5 weeks since the beginning of December. And i know of 3 more sessions i will be missing between now and the end of July. I keep telling my t how hard it is for me to miss those sessions. it feels like i'm losing her and her support a little bit at a time, and it really hurts! But i feel like she doesn't understand why this is such a big deal to me. Instead of giving me reassurance that our connection is still there, and that she is still with me, even when not physically there. . .she tells me to use my coping skills, be in the present moment, soothe those scared parts myself. I do it to the best of my ability. But it still feels like i'm losing her support.

i know the point of therapy is to make progress, and be able to rely on ourselves more and need our t less. But as she steps away and asks me to support myself more, i feel the separation keenly, right down in the center of my stomach. sometimes when i realize she isn't here for me as much as she used to be, i get a quick ripple of fear go through me, like a scary adrenaline rush. . .like when somebody comes up from behind and says "BOO!" It feels so awful. i keep trying, but i don't know if i can do it or not. . . learn to soothe myself and not need my t so much.

[peaches100]

You know, early in my therapy, whenever i would feel rejected or hurt by something my t did or said (or didn't do or say), i would disconnect emotionally and become kind of like a robot . . .very businesslike and numb. i couldn't stay with the connection and talk through my hurt until things were resolved. It hurt too much, and i would automatically shut off, and couldn't help it.

Then, over time, i learned how to not cut off my t whenever i felt hurt. I learned to hang onto the connection, at the same time that i talked about the hurt and pain. And we always worked through it.

But lately, i feel like the stage in therapy i am at right now is too hard. I need more support than i'm getting. i'm having trouble hanging onto the feeling of connection through so many missed sessions. And i'm weary of trying to hold myself up so much. i feel like the reward i am getting for making progress is having her step farther away from me! And no matter how many times she encourages me to use my skills, be grounded in the present, soothe myself, it doesn't take away the feeling that she's starting to leave me alone in my struggles and pain. Since this is what happened to me as a child with my mom -- she never noticed my pain or problems, or tried to acknowledge or help me with my internal turmoil -- having less support from my t right now because of missed sessions is triggering my old issues, and feeling a whole lot like my childhood.

i don't know what to do.

[shezbut]

Gentle hugs to you (((peaches)))

I know what you mean. That disconnection in therapy, yet a panic inside. I hate that! Ugh! I've felt that way many times with my different T's over the years. I did share how I was feeling angry and abandoned a couple of times with my newest T. I hated bringing up the courage to be honest with him, but I made myself do it anyway. That did help the dissociation resolve for me. Perhaps you could try doing the same ~ and it may help you get through?

Just this morning, I reviewed my notes from DBT group therapy. Do you have any of those worksheets? The ones where you break down how you feel, intensity, thoughts, physical feelings, emotional feelings, what you think logically, and what you might be able to do to improve the situation. I can't recall the name of those things...too many acronyms in DBT! The worksheets were helpful to me in understanding my situations better. I ought to start up writing those again.

Best wishes to you peaches!

[shezbut]

Please Help,

I got the title of the book I recommended wrong.

It's called "Lost in the Mirror", written by Dr. Richard Moskovitz.

Sorry about that!

Take care