I am borderline,and ashamed of my lack of ability to regulate my perceptions of the happenings around me.Being on this site for the short time that has passed thus far,has brought so much into view that previously I had been unaware of.The reality and perimeters of my dysfunctionality are very upsetting to me.I have trouble interpreting other people,and seem,at least to me,to obsessively worry about every tiny facet of situational interactions.I am over reactive,and the thing that totally sucks; is due to how i interpret the events around me,I then impact other people with negativity.Which is the one thing in the world that bothers me the most.In the very deepest parts of my soul,I swear I only want to love people,care for them,and be supportive.Some how,I screw it up every time.And when things go bad,I can be formidable,something just snaps if i feel misinterpreted.because there is a desperate need to be at peace with others.I hope I can change me.

[Tatyana2009]

I think you are making a good start. You recognise you have a problem and the impact that your thinking / behaviour has on others and on yourself. This is a good place to be. There is nothing worse than having a problem and denying it. To me you are brave and honest. And change can only follow once you admit to the issues and want to change. So you have an optimitic outlook there!

Are you seeing a professional to help you on your way to a more healthy way of relating?

[shezbut]

((treesa))

I agree with the wise words spoken by Tatyana2009. It is a great step forward to recognize that there is a problem, and that you have a tendency to misinterpret people and then over-react. It is encouraging that you can recognize and admit these tendencies that you have. It's a big step!

I hope that you are working with a T, and perhaps group therapy to help obtain more safe and healthier ways to deal with potential problems. There are forums and weekly chats here in which people break events down, to gain a better understanding of thoughts --> feelings --> emotions --> urge/s to do. By breaking the events down to each step regularly, one can get into the habit of looking at all interactions more wisely. Leading to less intense blow-outs, less often. It takes time and practice. The more time and practice devoted to developing these skills, the better one feels.

I don't know how to post links, but you can click on groups. 1. DBT (Dialectical behavioral therapy) and 2. Psychotherapy : are the groups I recall which may be very helpful to you.

Hugs to you!

[ECHOES]

Hi treesa and welcome to PC

Originally Posted by treesa

...has brought so much into view that previously I had been unaware of.The reality and perimeters of my dysfunctionality are very upsetting to me.

Yet the awareness is something to celebrate too! We cannot learn about things that remain hidden. When hidden, these things continue to hurt us. When exposed and looked at squarely and learned about, as in therapy, they become something else. We can learn new ways and have much more peace

[pammar94]

Hi there. I have borderline too, but I'm so much better and able to function now. I strongly recommend DBT therapy and CBT therapy. I know how hard it is to read people and to say the right thing. I know we perceive things wrong sometimes (not always) and that we are afraid to be alone (I am much better here). I know it is hard to control emotions. But it can get better. I actually enjoyed my therapy with other borderlines who wanted to get better.
Don't be ashamed of having this. It's not your fault, and you can change it. Also, it gets better with age. Have you read Marsha Lineham's Dialectal Behavioral Therapy workbook? It's great! Go to Amazon and look at all the choices. At one time, they felt borderline was hopeless, but that was back when they didn't know much about it.
It's not hopeless.
You are brave to make this post

[bigbear68]

Originally Posted by treesa

I am borderline,and ashamed of my lack of ability to regulate my perceptions of the happenings around me.Being on this site for the short time that has passed thus far,has brought so much into view that previously I had been unaware of.The reality and perimeters of my dysfunctionality are very upsetting to me.I have trouble interpreting other people,and seem,at least to me,to obsessively worry about every tiny facet of situational interactions.I am over reactive,and the thing that totally sucks; is due to how i interpret the events around me,I then impact other people with negativity.Which is the one thing in the world that bothers me the most.In the very deepest parts of my soul,I swear I only want to love people,care for them,and be supportive.Some how,I screw it up every time.And when things go bad,I can be formidable,something just snaps if i feel misinterpreted.because there is a desperate need to be at peace with others.I hope I can change me.

Hi, Im borderline too. For a long time I really did not know what was wrong with me. I took my illness as a character flaw and based my self worth on that flaw. Remember this is a disease much like diabetes. First we have to accept it and then do what we have to do to get better. I hope things get easier for you....it was hard at first for me, but things seem to be better now. good luck!

What on earth can I do about it? I am so tired and exhausted of my head.This is destroying things in my life.Look how old this post is.What have I even learned since then?I have to sit here and think about this.I will post again in a little while.This is devastating.

There is a place of extreme discomfort, where we can see our difficulties but are powerless to change them. This is driving the train and seeing the pedestrian step in front of us. We long for the days when we didn't wear glasses, and didn't know any better. In time, with help, we learn how to press the breaks. It takes practice. The first times, we don't step hard enough and the pedestrian dies anyway. Then there's a phase of stepping on them too suddenly and the whole train is thrown forward. Even once we've mastered the breaks, we realise they're not appropriate for every situation, and we need to learn from scratch how to switch onto a different track.

It's the work of a lifetime, not a moment. I do believe we need someone to help us. Someone who has read the manual and has experience driving trains.

It's ok to be tired. This is the most intensive training course anyone's ever taken part in.

It's ok to feel devastated. The rest of the world received train driving lessons as part of their childhood and parenting. It's very sad that we didn't.

to you

[PleaseHelp]

(((Wolfie))) Sorry you are having such a rough time right now. I can relate. I am still new to understanding borderline and how to deal with it. I hate how it makes me feel, how I perceive things, and how I unintentionally hurt others. I am working with a therapist to learn to deal with these things in a better way. Its a long rough road. Have you read the book "Sometimes I act crazy - living with borderline personality disorder"? I am currently reading it and finding it to be helpful.

Know that you are not alone. We are here to support you anyway we can. Many hugs to you.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by wolfsong

What on earth can I do about it? I am so tired and exhausted of my head.This is destroying things in my life.Look how old this post is.What have I even learned since then?I have to sit here and think about this.I will post again in a little while.This is devastating.

I can really appreciate what you're saying, wolfsong.

I was surprised to see my initial response to this post. I don't remember that! I truly don't.

DBT is meant to be a training to teach ourselves consequences of behavior. We did not bring the core problems onto ourselves ~ that's neither here nor there. That part of our lives is over. What we now have to practice daily (especially to become good at it) is thoroughly thinking through our emotions, to gain a better understanding of who we are. How we really feel towards people in our lives. And what we are willing to do to reconcile or let go of hurt in relationships. Not easy tasks.

I have improved over the past year and one-half, but I am still often overwhelmed by life in general. I hate that!! It takes time and giving ourselves a break every now and then ~ rather than beating ourselves up for not meeting ridiculous expectations that we hold for ourselves.

Gentle hugs ~ Deep breaths ~ Think of a relaxing image, something peaceful, to put yourself into a better state of mind. You aren't alone, I'm right there with you. Unless you want to be alone...I can take a hint A little humor does help too.

Thank you for replying to all of you.

I understand that essentially it isn't my fault I am borderline,yet in the same breath I am responsible for every sideways look I give to others.And our mood,facial expression,stance,words,opinions,prejudices,body language....all of it...every bit has effect and resonates,reverberates,resounds ,stains,impacts my fellows.....

ASSUMING<------Really abhor that one in particular...so afraid of assuming because it keeps hurting people that now I have to check,check,double-check what people are trying to convey to me constantly.

(Like the movie Shawshank Redemption where "Red"=Morgan Freeman....says...."I have been in the prison system so long I can't squeeze a drop w/o permission")Institutionalization ,that was his reference.Well,consider this.In a sense...though we all comprehend the inference the word institutionalization implies....we can become a thing so similar....when repressed or restrained beneath a thought process,an authoritive structure,a thing like borderline...or a myriad of other dx's.

Well,I have.(Been in the prison system of the awareness of my impact,and within the confines of the walls of the borderline result of such a traumatic youth...... for eons) I think if there were two destructive things I have done in life...they are...my negative impact on others....and my failure to act upon events,issues,causes...as they arose.

In my initial post on this thread in particular....february 2010.....I state,"Being on this site for the short time that has passed thus far...has brought so much into view that I had been previously unaware of."

Very precise words.And from that date...the fact has clearly expounded....Just a 'collecting ball' growing larger ;in the way that planets become planets,...in that fashion.Well,the statement,then...was never more true than it is in this moment.

I dunno if I should feel a grand relief for seeing where I was...and where I have arrived...or feel disheartened by the similarity of then....and now?I feel upon reflection ...I have grown...become more aware...learned...been of a bit of use.However...I have reverted on a million occasions to my base m.o and want to kick my own arse.

Grandest dysfunctionality....the inability I possess to remain a constant or....like when you slowly draw a line from point A to point B....on paper...and using a pencil...the line is an unwavering thing.Unless you view it from a molecular stance...it'd be wavering.lol...We all know that.But...if you have ever gone to google maps...getting a route from a point A to point B....often time you are given multiple routes.When your cursor is on...'route A...there is a certain trail to follow....select route B...you see the line move...do that over and over...the difference is prominent.Well,thats me...my cursor moves between routes and switches route....yet though it is my own hand on the mouse controlling the cursor.....at the same time it isn't.

Sorry ,you are seeing a bit of mania ?...here? This occurs when I think too much ...my
apologies.

However...no one would have read thus far if it was much too disturbing I surmise.

Shezbut states on 2/26/2010.......

~in which people break events down, to gain a better understanding of thoughts --> feelings --> emotions --> urge/s to do. By breaking the events down to each step regularly, one can get into the habit of looking at all interactions more wisely. Leading to less intense blow-outs, less often. It takes time and practice. The more time and practice devoted to developing these skills, the better one feels.~

I have ...since the original post....found this to be true...really wish I were more able to absorb words and materialize the possibility as a soothing balm when I read.I am unable.I can only grasp the moment within which I stand,and it swallows me whole.I can't bee all of what 'I know' at any given time.Alot to do with my personality disorder and MPD.Very disheartening.

Improving states 4/12/2011

~the pedestrian dies anyway.~

Well there is the crux....I reeeeeeely want to avoid the pedestrians. lol(and of course I realize the context you used)

~also says

Even once we've mastered the breaks, we realise they're not appropriate for every situation, and we need to learn from scratch how to switch onto a different track. It's the work of a lifetime, not a moment. I do believe we need someone to help us. Someone who has read the manual and has experience driving trains.

And all of this learning is still training wheels to me.

~It's ok to be tired. This is the most intensive training course anyone's ever taken part in. It's ok to feel devastated. The rest of the world received train driving lessons as part of their childhood and parenting. It's very sad that we didn't.~

Actually almost started crying reading this bit....ugghhhh

My gratitude to you ((((Improving))))


PleaseHelp says:

I am still new to understanding borderline and how to deal with it. I hate how it makes me feel, how I perceive things, and how I unintentionally hurt others.

It is devastating to acknowledge ....is it not?

Shezbut shares:

~I have improved over the past year and one-half, but I am still often overwhelmed by life in general. I hate that!! It takes time and giving ourselves a break every now and then ~ rather than beating ourselves up for not meeting ridiculous expectations that we hold for ourselves.Gentle hugs ~ Deep breaths ~ Think of a relaxing image, something peaceful, to put yourself into a better state of mind. You aren't alone, I'm right there with you. Unless you want to be alone...I can take a hint A little humor does help too.~

Indeed,humor softens the blow love.So pleased to read that you feel a bit of relief in your path of growth.So thankful for your tenderness.It truly assists to see that not only am I....not alone....but,that so many in P.C who'd otherwise BE alone.....are not.

Thank you all for your involvement on this thread.

It helps my soul grow!!
AWOOF!~*

[shezbut]

wolfsong

owwooooo.....owwoooooo....owwooooo...

Oooohhhh (((((Shez))))).....the pleasure these little words bring.....Just huggable!

[BPDlasthouse]

I can't offer much here but I do want to say thanks for that phrase 'over reactive' - I haven't heard anyone use that phrase before to describe themselves in the context of borderline. It makes sense of so many things that simply don't make sense to me.

I was diagnosed just over a year ago and I am slowly gaining information on and an understanding of this disorder. It is devastating. I find my inability to cope unbearable and deeply shaming. I hate how it has and continues to wreck my life too. I truly identify with your situation and hope that you don't feel alone. I am grateful for the hopeful posts here and truly believe that with the right help and some courage we can get somewhere better than where we currently are.

(((((BPDlasthouse))))).....we are all here with you