Past Abuse- BPD- Past/Future Family Relationship

I will try so hard to make this obviously complicated issue as brief as possible. I have read so much about BPD over the years, as I have been diagnosed myself, but am now finding out something new which leaves me with lot of questions.

My brother and I share many of the same characteristics though his have always been much more intense, much more obvious to other people than mine. I have never doubted that BPD is a serious issue for him, and our relationship, like most of his, has been tumultuous to say the least. In the past few years he has moved away, and pretty much cut off contact with his family- living alone and I believe drinking a lot etc..., though he does keep a job. Any attempts made to help him out have been met with quick temper, denial that he can be helped, that everyone is messed up etcc. Then right before you disengage with him he makes a point of once again telling you how miserable and pathetic is, that he basically lives his life "curled up in a hole." It has been very frustrating.

We grew up with a mother who basically did not care for us, at least in any emotional/physical sense at all. (I am 50 and really only remember 1 hug from her- when my dad died.) My whole life I have been struggling with all of this invalidation and depression and anxiety and yadda yadda...so much for being brief!

Anyway, I have an older brother as well, very different than me and my younger one, who is currently visiting our mother. Yesterday she just said to him, well- "I don't know if you knew about what happened to your brother when he was 12?" Apparently there was some sort of sexual abuse, but she did not elaborate at all. I have no idea how long she has known this. It once again brings up all kinds of questions for me about
childhood etc.. My mother NEVER talks about feelings. Ever. EVER

I guess what I am asking is this: would my brother still be the way he is if this had never happened to him? Has this abuse defined his life? I do understand that people react differently to trauma and their surroundings/parenting etc.. He refuses to get any help at all, and seems destined to keep living this way. As much as I understand this is all so complicated, and shame can be a big issue, but to be honest I find it quite odd that he has never mentioned it to me. When have been quite close over the years, sharing our feelings etc, and he has been quite upfront about listing every single other thing that has gone wrong in his life- over and over again. Decades ago I was part of a treatment plan he was in- "the family member."

I apologize for the length of this post, but thanks for listening. I think I just really needed to put it down on paper. I feel just sick about all of this; it breaks my heart and I feel guilty about being so frustrated by him. Then at the same time I am confused about the personal responsibility in helping yourself to feel better. That whole mental health issue that I know so well; how much can you expect people who can't help themselves to be able to do that when they need to do? I myself go back and forth with this all of the time. Why can one person move forward and another can't? How do you cross that line and make it stick?

And finally, I just can't let my mother not be a factor in all of this. She has chosen to have very little to do with all of us kids, and her grand kids as well. Ahh. I best not get started on that one.

It sounds to me that there were a number of factors that could have led to you and your brother having BPD. You are reaching out to him and doing the best you can. However, you can not make him change. He needs/wants to do the changing himself. It can be a scary process. And for us (borderlines) its much easier to stay in what is comfortable (even if we don't like it and its hurting us and others) than to make changes. (at least that is what I'm recognizing in myself)

You need to do what you can to make yourself healthy. My parents were a big issue in me getting healthy and staying healthy. After many years of thought and deliberation and talking with my counselor. I made the decision to cut my family of origin out of my life. They were not healthy for me and I felt like history was repeating itself with my girls.

I don't know if that is helpfull or not. I hope it makes sense.

((hayward))

I am very similar to your brother, hayward. While I've been seeking professional help for the past 30 years, I have pulled myself back from my family. I have a history of sexual abuse that began in early childhood and continued to occur through early teen years. I talked about some parts of my life regularly, but other parts were held very deeply inside of me (repressed & forgotten repeatedly).

I know that that it may seem strange why your brother would expose some pieces of his life relentlessly. I have struggled with my memories and shame for many years which caused the same tendency within myself. My reason: incest between my brother and I, starting when I was 5 or 6 years old. Very deep shame and self-hate seem to be glued to these memories of my brother and I. Just thinking about it, or writing it in here, brings on shivers. I fear SO MUCH that others will either say, "Oh, it's no big deal. Kids do that stuff." OR "You're disgusting! How could you have known how to do such things??"

The fears are incredibly intense ~ so, I don't like to talk about it. At all!! I wish that these memories and thoughts would just leave me already. But, since I began talking about the experience in therapy (a year or so ago), the memories have not stopped. Their power over me are just as strong as ever. I may be 40 years old, but on the inside, I am still a little girl. I therefore cannot stand the thought of being with my sick family. They probably don't all deserve to be ignored, but each of my family members do bring back sick memories and are somehow or another connected to the dark past.

I don't know if me sharing my past helps you understand or not. I hope that it does! They are hard memories to hold onto. We don't really have a choice now. It is over. It is in the past. What we do have control over, is how we choose to deal with our memories (and baggage) from the past. Personally, I hope that I can someday accept my baggage and have the strength to deal with my family more healthily. I am now willing to give myself more time to adjust to the memories.

Thanks so much for responding. I have often thought that he prefers to feel this way because it is so familiar and comfortable to him. I am the same way, actually.
ANd I so agree with what you said. Talking/being with my mom always makes me sad, so I hardly do it.

Hello Shez, and thank you so very much for taking the time to respond to me. I am so sorry for your pain and it must be really difficult. I know exactly how it feels to feel like a little girl, and I am older than you. I wish you so well in your in your therapy. You sound like a strong person- getting some help and giving it time. You deserve so much more than what you have gone through and I admire your abiiity to try and move on.