Ok, so here's where I'm at. VERY TRIGGERING, SUI MENTIONED. I've talked to 2 nurses and my father about this already...the nurses definitely didn't understand. My father could relate, but he's not feeling the same as me right now. I thought perhaps some of you could relate.

I'm at a point where I've been in the psych hospital 9 times, tried a variety of medications, therapies, and even ECT treatments. Nothing has provided a long-term solution. The longest I've been out of hospital in the past year is less than 3 months!

BPD and Bipolar have taken over my life for 3 years, I've tried so hard. I'm tired of the revolving door system, where I come into hospital, leave feeling OK, and end up coming back in again. I don't even know who I am, what I want from life. Nothing in life really appeals to me. The thought of a job, a home, a family...makes me cringe. That's not what I want.

I just keep feeling like, I wish euthanasia were legal. People with illnesses who have tried hard enough, can just throw in the towel and have a peaceful death. And I know most of you have had your illnesses for more than 3 years, but it has been the most intense 3 years of my short life.

I feel like there's no hope, so why don't I give up right now? What possibly could make me feel better, after everything I've tried? And I can tell that the nurses and doctors are tired of seeing me here. Well, I'm tired too. Tired of everything.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by melissa.recovering

And I know most of you have had your illnesses for more than 3 years, but it has been the most intense 3 years of my short life.

There you are, "the most intense 3 years of my short life". So? There might be another 3 years that are intense in a good way, that you would be really sorry you missed. We can't know! When times are tough for me, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, don't have to worry about tomorrow, next week, month, year, just the next step. Give up all your want. . . just keep walking as you do so!

You say you don't know what you want but do know what you don't want. Fine, work on not having what you don't want! Look elsewhere for what you might want. Sometimes it really sucks but it's all an adventure. I did a lot of reading of good young adult novels. I recommend Nina Kiriki Hoffman's, A Red Heart of Memories, or Diana Wynn Jones', The Homeward Bounders.

[ECHOES]

The longest I've been out of hospital in the past year is less than 3 months!

These are big things to think about and most of your time in the last year has been focused on getting stabilized so you can begin to think about these things.

I hope you can find the support and help that can help you stay out of the hospital so you are freer to go forward with your life.

[nicoleb2]

I can reallly relate. I have been dealing with this for aboutt 4 years, with hospitalizations on average every three months. It really sucks. I don't have any words of wisdom but wanted to let you know u are not alone

[shezbut]

(((melissa.recovering)))

I have a similar perspective, so I can't offer much in the way of ideas to help you through. I wish that I could help you!

The only thing that I have found to help me is my genuine love of animals & nature. Imagining being at the ocean, hearing the waves crashing softly onto the sand. Feeling the cool dampness on my skin, a gentle breeze of cool air. There are no other people present. Just a few seagulls off in the distance. I then gaze around to see the palm trees blowing, long wild grass and mustard waving in the breeze. It is beautiful and very peaceful to me.

I also use birds feeding as an escape. I'm always just a witness to watching the beauty of nature's existance. That gives me a better perspective with life. Less hopeless. More appreciative of animals & weather.

Maybe thoughts like that could help you gain a stronger sense of peace in the world? I hope so. Gentle hugs to you. Hope that things improve for you soon, with a more tangible sense of acceptance. Accepting that life can really suck sometimes, but there is still some thing in this world that you care about. Some activities that you don't mind taking part in. Something that has nothing to do with people ~ because, that "up" can always come back down. Nature just is ~ plain and simple. They keep on going every day, despite all of the challenges out there. They are still there. You can be too.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by melissa.recovering

I just keep feeling like, I wish euthanasia were legal. People with illnesses who have tried hard enough, can just throw in the towel and have a peaceful death. And I know most of you have had your illnesses for more than 3 years, but it has been the most intense 3 years of my short life.

I feel like there's no hope, so why don't I give up right now? What possibly could make me feel better, after everything I've tried? And I can tell that the nurses and doctors are tired of seeing me here. Well, I'm tired too. Tired of everything.

I know how that feels!

that feeling like there is no hope, and like everybody, including myself is so tired of it...

just wanted to tell you you are not alone.

It is quite a feeling, I know.

Billi

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by shezbut

(((melissa.recovering)))

The only thing that I have found to help me is my genuine love of animals & nature. Imagining being at the ocean, hearing the waves crashing softly onto the sand. Feeling the cool dampness on my skin, a gentle breeze of cool air. There are no other people present. Just a few seagulls off in the distance. I then gaze around to see the palm trees blowing, long wild grass and mustard waving in the breeze. It is beautiful and very peaceful to me.

Nature just is ~ plain and simple. They keep on going every day, despite all of the challenges out there. They are still there. You can be too.

I needed to also respond to you, shez.

This is a good reminder to me, too.

I live near the ocean and I go whenever I can. There is always room in nature, even for "ppl like us".

people may let us down, but the Higher Power is always prevailing, whatever each of us believes in...

Billi