I think this is a product of my spending a lot of time on my own. While I can be very guarded with people, I also fail to be careful about some of the things I say and do, thinking that, surely since I mean them in to be innocent, then other people take them innocently as well. Not the case. And the reality of it hit me this morning. I'm embarrassed and kind of stressed/scared...which is why I'm writing this post as I do most of my posts: To get it off my chest, to keep it from living in my head and growing bigger than it actually, probably is.

So I'm single. Mostly by choice, mostly because I'm not really looking. Everyone at work knows this. I also would never date anyone I work with; it's just a thing I have, and I probably wouldn't talk about anyone I was dating with a coworker unless it got pretty serious. But only a few people know that, so they basically think I've been single and sexless (re: in their minds, weird and a little desperate) for the last 2 1/2 years. That's not 100% the case, but most of them don't know that, and I prefer it to be that way.

The thing is that there is a physician with whom I am friends with. I mean, he's friends with everyone--almost everyone loves working with him; he's incredibly friendly, upbeat, and hilarious. Just all around nice to be around. But we hit it off because we have a lot of interests in common, a similar sense of humor, similar level of intelligence, we're the same age, and there's just...chemistry. Whatever, you have that with people you're not romantically attracted to. It's how you make friends. Problem is that I was attracted to him literally from day one. Next problem is that he's married. So we're not friends outside of work because we can't be. And I would never, ever do anything about my silly infatuation. Even if he approached me, there is no way that scenario ends well for me. And I'd be a horrible person, anyway. Next problem...he's kind of a flirt. I don't think he means to be, but he is. He jokes around with everyone, but with me it goes a tiny bit further. And I don't think I encourage it (I don't think I even know how to flirt) but... I don't hate it. Of course I don't, what female would?

And I think my coworkers have taken notice.

I saw him this morning as he was going off shift so we chatted for a sec and laughed about something stupid. About a half hour later, I brought him up in the context of conversation saying that I'd talked to him about the same thing I was talking about with this particular group (I just worked with him, and also it was about nursing school, which I've talked to him about since the beginning). No big deal. A few hours later, I was telling my coworkers I felt ill (as I have been all week--super nauseous), and one of my nurse friends said, "Is he kicking?" Trying to start a rumor that I'm pregnant has been an ongoing game since Christmas. It's annoying (omg, I'm single, childless, and nauseous. Get over it.) but I take it in stride. However, it's a big department and not everyone is in on the joke so someone else thought she was serious. I had to squelch it by saying, "This rumor has been going on since Christmas." The friend which made the initial comment said, pointedly, "Is it Dr. X's?" I immediately felt my face go red. Oh crap. I said, "Uh, what? Haha, no. Why?" She said in that I'm-innocent-but-not-really tone, "Well you mentioned him earlier so I just thought I'd say it." I said, "Yeah, let's not start that rumor...that could get ugly." And then I dropped it.

Crap. Looking back, I've probably talked about him too much. And we've been pretty friendly...chatty, that is. Nothing else. BUT. Even if I have my silly crush as do most of the women I work with (seriously, I've had many convos about our favorite providers and who is the most attractive, etc. None of us mean anything by it.)...there is nothing going on and never will be. He really, really loves his wife. I just feel like a moron because I was careless in my words and actions and opened not just myself, but him up to stupid rumors. Really, we're boring. There are much more exciting things happening in the gossip mill. Not that I know, because I try to stay out of it.

I know none of you know us, but do you think if I don't make a big deal and am more careful, this will die? I hate being the subject of crap like this. Not to mention that, basically, as a single female, my actions are viewed under a microscope; I'm seen as a threat. Please. I always had more male friends growing up than female (and not for all of the cliched, dirty reasons). I have a more masculine way of communicating, I'm told. I like my female friends, but with most of the groups at work, I grow weary of the girly drama. I am not the vixen of my workplace. Hardly.

[unaluna]

Wow. Not so sure she's a "friend"! People will say what they want; not much you can do about it. If you talk to no men, youre a lesbian; if a baby doesnt show up soon, you had an abortion. Just keep on getting your good grades and eff 'em

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by hankster

Wow. Not so sure she's a "friend"! People will say what they want; not much you can do about it. If you talk to no men, youre a lesbian; if a baby doesnt show up soon, you had an abortion. Just keep on getting your good grades and eff 'em

She's not a close friend. I've known/worked with her for 10 years (not all at this organization). We're not close; I don't trust her with a lot of personal information because she doesn't have much of a filter, and I think she forgets half of what she says. But we get along okay at work. This is another part of my naievete: I sometimes (though I am generally guarded) take people at face value. When they say they like me and think I'm cool, I believe them. I forget I need to be careful around them, until they do or say something like this.

I've had people imply that I'm a lesbian before. Which isn't a bad thing, except I'm straight. As I've said in other places on this forum, I'm accused of not thinking highly of myself because I don't think I match with most of the guys at the bar/on Tinder that my work friends are trying to encourage me to talk to. I think people just want to be able to put others into a nice, neat box and they aren't really able to do that with me. Maybe they finally see a box: single, desperate, clingy, predator going after the married doctor. Lol. It's kind of funny, actually.

As I said above, I would be lying if I said I didn't like his attention. But I don't think that fact of being a living female is gossip-worthy.

[Crazy Hitch]

I don't have time to read through this all now my friend, just wanted to let you know I've seen your post and I'll come back to it later

[HD7970GHZ]

Hey Misskeena,

This is an interesting situation you find yourself in!

You asked,

"do you think if I don't make a big deal and am more careful, this will die?"

I have never been in this type of situation at work but I can imagine it could get nasty like you said. I think you would be wise in not making a scene out of it. That is the best advice that I have for you! I don't think it would be a good idea to corner someone, one on one and state your feelings / thoughts on the matter. I think the best course of action is just to keep on working and pretend like nothing has been said. Surely you have your suspicions - but that is normal given the circumstances that you ARE a single female who could definitely be seen as a threat to other employees.

I know that for myself - work drama is a terrible trigger. I've had to quit several jobs over the years because something happened and I ended up being the one in the spotlight, despite the fact that I had little or nothing to do with the initial happenstances. Had I just avoided all the drama and not allowed it to bother me so much - I would have had no problems continuing the job and would have certainly climbed the ladder a bit. We borderline sufferers have many disadvantages when it comes to social circles. The fact that we are so sensitive and emotional means that if something triggers us - we could instantly be seen in a negative light.And what do a group of employees like? Someone to make fun of, someone to blame, someone to bully and take advantage of in order to prove their self worth in the eyes of their boss.

You could very well become that person [IF YOU ALLOW THIS TO BOTHER YOU]. The trick is - NOT to let it bother you.

"Like water off a ducks back."

People talk, people gossip - that is the way of the world. The workplace (as you know) has a unique psychology of its own - an environment and a social habitat that unfortunately fosters connections and relationships through talking about everything and anything negative, bad or taboo. The boss, the boss's wife, the boss's secretary, the worst employee, the guy who's always late, the slacker, the thief, the one who earns too much and the one who earns too little, the one who gets to do the easy work, blah blah blah... Oh - and of course - the one who's in bed with the boss... lol

The best way to avoid the drama: is to avoid the drama.

On one side of the fence I would say: be boring and don't give others something to talk about. Set boundaries and don't associate with fellow employees unless you can trust them. Try to limit time spent around the doctor when you two are alone.

On the other side of the fence I would say: If flirting is all in fun and an enjoyable aspect to the workplace - don't feel like you have to change who you are or what you do in order to prevent something from being said: because things will be said anyway. Odds are - if you suddenly make an effort to avoid or stop associating with the doctor - it could become even worse.

The difference here is that you know you didn't do anything and (from what you have said) neither you or the doctor ever would. Perhaps there's the small chance that things could escalate between the two of you - but no one can predict the future.

My advice: Don't get sucked into the drama. Look at it like the typical way in which a workplace functions - and leave it at that. The moment you give power to any rumors or gossip is the moment you allow your emotions to get involved - and because you are borderline - it would put you at a very big disadvantage. (Coming from my own experiences)

I hope this helps,
HD

Thank you, HD. I believe you are right. I feel at a disadvantage not being able to say, "Oh well, whatever, I'm seeing someone," because I'm not at the moment. And I hate being the butt of ridicule...especially when I've opened myself up to it. Part of me feels guilty, like I am someone to watch out for. Like I am the single chick who couldn't handle herself. But that's not the case. So I've talked about him a little more than I should have. So what? I'm not putting my hands on him, wearing my scrubs extra tight, leaning over and flashing cleavage (I mean, we are pretty limited in that regard, lol). Last time I worked with him (last weekend), he was a tiny bit touchy-feely. And not in a creepy way. I do believe it's just...him. (Or maybe I'm totally naive as I said and this is another reason why I'm single. Not like I can do anything about it with him, anyway.) But it's not like I'm doing anything he isn't. OHHHH, but that's right: I'm the single girl with the bottom-rung job (not even a nurse yet). He's a married, well-liked doctor. There's why it will always be my problem, not his.

I guess it also comes down to respect. I've built up a lot of respect, especially with the providers. I don't want that to be undermined.

[unaluna]

Plus you know, youve got us behind you. After i started on PC, i didnt feel like such an odd duck in my apartment swimming pool, where it seemed like everybody else had friends and family, all except me. I have my peeps too. So do you.

Originally Posted by hankster

Plus you know, youve got us behind you. After i started on PC, i didnt feel like such an odd duck in my apartment swimming pool, where it seemed like everybody else had friends and family, all except me. I have my peeps too. So do you.

That is true, and I appreciate that. 12 hours can be a loooong shift when you know people have trashed your reputation. And a provider you have to work directly with (and who respects you) is put in a weird position because other people want to talk. My life online and on my own is nbd. My life with other people is a little more treacherous.

[unaluna]

Well hopefully its just til graduation? Or will you be working there still? And no, i do get it. People at my last job talked about me "flouncing" into meetings. Hey when your butt is this size, yes it flounces. But i was like wtf.

Originally Posted by hankster

Well hopefully its just til graduation? Or will you be working there still? And no, i do get it. People at my last job talked about me "flouncing" into meetings. Hey when your butt is this size, yes it flounces. But i was like wtf.

I'd hoped to work there after graduation, actually. I know it sounds awful, but it isn't. I've worked in worse environments. I think cattiness is the nature of the hospital. There is a lot of talk about lateral violence and bullying in healthcare, but I don't think anything will ever fully make it go away. I just need to watch what I say from now on, and realize that these people are not my close friends. That's sad. I wonder what makes them tight-lipped about other people, but want to slam my crap all over the place? Like the one time I went out with a couple of girls I work with and, since I never drink liquor, vomited. Big freaking deal; it happens. Being a student, I rarely go out, and I didn't have to work or take care of kids the next day, anyway (they did). But it was headline news that I got tipsy...even though the other girls do it on a regular basis.

I have a lot of experience and am thought of highly by the providers and most of the RNs. I pretty much stay on the straight and narrow, and out of the gossip-mill. And everyone knows that I'm doing well in school and set to graduate soon. Part of me wonders if, just being how some girls are, it's a competitive thing. Because the one who blasted me after that night out is a tech (no degree), isn't in school, and is resentful about her position.