[Flooded]

I have a pdoc appt on thursday and I can't make up mind mind if I want to go.

I'm like this before every appt. I HATE going.

I hate talking about me. I think I am weak and pathetic because I *might* need to go to therapy.

And when I cancel, I hope my pdoc will ring and ask why I didn't show up............

[nicoleb2]

I always hate going to my pdoc appts too. I am in therapy too.

I skipped my pdoc appointment, didn't bother to call them.. Will never see that pdoc again because she passed me off on someone else at our last appt.

[ECHOES]

Can you accept that this is the way this works for you, at this time.
And that even if you don't want to go, you can. You can go 'in protest' - going when you don't want to.

Possibly the pdoc ringing you up is appealing. Makes you feel noticed, missed, cared about.

Sometimes when I have something I don't want to do, I look ahead in time and tell myself that "In 'x' hours this will be behind me and I will be (back home reading a book, out shopping, stopping for a reward of coffee..etc).

I love therapy and it isn't about being weak at all. It's about being pro-active, taking action on my own behalf to help my life feel better and to have regular support in my daily life. There just is no medication that compares

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Flooded

I have a pdoc appt on thursday and I can't make up mind mind if I want to go.
I'm like this before every appt. I HATE going....
And when I cancel, I hope my pdoc will ring and ask why I didn't show up............

I agree with Echoes, Flooded.

There is nothing wrong with needing acknowledgment, concern, and care. I would say that's probably where that cancellation fantasy comes from. I see it as a big positive that you've recognized this tendency within yourself.

I can understand feeling so iffy on whether or not you should go to therapy. It is hard to open up about things that bring up raw & painful emotions. Personally, I have to seriously force myself to say those things that I'm avoiding. Otherwise, the intensity of my fears only rises. (I've learned that part the hard way!)

Therapy does become easier as time passes and an emotional connection is made with your T. Then, you start wishing that time to your next appointment would fly by so you can talk about things that are bothering you.

Best wishes sent your way!

[Flooded]

You're right, it is appealing. It's actions speaking louder than words and the action of her calling is saying she cares (or that she's broke and needs me to come in so she gets paid *insert sarcasm*)

I've never believed she cares and always have a go at her if she mentions it.

So I should go, right? Even though I feel it would be another unproductive session because I'd be in a foul mood and sit there staring at the clock..

[ECHOES]

Yeah, go and test your theory about how it will be

It's hard sometimes, but after having tried to cancel and having my therapist say she "would encourage you to come anyway", well that helps. I still have times where my first words in the session are "I really didn't want to come today".

You're right, it is appealing. It's actions speaking louder than words and the action of her calling is saying she cares..

I've never believed she cares and always have a go at her if she mentions it.

So, she has to 'prove' it. Why is it you can't trust her words, I wonder.

[shezbut]

For me, I have a tendency to do that with everyone that I care about. With people I don't care about, I quickly put up a meaningless thank you and move on. That isn't easily done with someone whose opinions do matter to me.

It's not something that I consciously plan. But I often find myself rolling my eyes at all compliments and interest. My mind immediately throws in "Yeah right! Give me a f--ing break!" I feel kind of angry and depressed. My T has picked up on those thoughts, as I mentioned it to him a time or two. So, he now says that I probably don't believe him, but he thinks that I'm not an entirely evil person. That he sees some positive qualities in me, even though I don't see it. Etc. My T's remarks acknowledging how I don't see it but... does make me a little more accepting of what he has to say. Must be reverse psychology there!

I'd recommend that you do go to your T. You could mention how angry you feel and say that you're unsure why she irritates you so much. Her response may irritate you more ~ but it will probably be a good point to think about. Gentle hugs to you Flooded

I've got to go to T myself now. I'd better hurry up and get ready! See ya later

[Zabine]

Are you my husband? He feels the same way about the therapy he desperately needs. I love to go, I can cuss, cry, scream, do whatever I want, its kind of nice to act a fool and know the doc can't tell anyone about it.

[Flooded]

I don't trust anyone's word. I even have trouble trusting my husband in the "dark" times.

[Forgive77]

I don't trust my husband in the dark times either...he is an overreacter...and I'm afraid he'll help facilitate a trip for me to the loney bin if I'm not paying attention. All done out of love of course.

[Flooded]

:eek Forgive, my worst nightmare!

Ok, so pdoc is tomorrow. She is also my therapist because I refuse to "talk" to two people.
I still haven't decided if I'm going I am such an indecisive freak.

I've never had to pay for sessions that I cancel at the last minute (which is a few now), but there's always a first time

The good news is I've *almost* convinced my husband that a cruise around the Pacific Island is a great idea

[Zabine]

I have a hard time trusting anyone, especially if I slip and say too much about something.....

[HairlessPolecat]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Yeah, go and test your theory about how it will be

It's hard sometimes, but after having tried to cancel and having my therapist say she "would encourage you to come anyway", well that helps. I still have times where my first words in the session are "I really didn't want to come today".

So, she has to 'prove' it. Why is it you can't trust her words, I wonder.

Echoes.
I liked your statement about your first words being "I really didn't want to come today". Strangely, I never thought about voicing that ever, even when I did not want to be there. More than once lately, I have not wanted to be there. Two weeks ago, I wanted to get up a just walk out on my therapy but thankfully I did not. Yet I never thought about just saying anything about it. Maybe my entire session would have gone better had I done that. Thanks for the thought.
HairlessPoleCat AKA Teresa

[Flooded]

I've been known to get up and walk out while pdoc was mid-sentence She just expects me to still show up for my next appt and will occasionally ask what is it that made me walk.

It's now two hours until my appt and I still don't want to go. I will though, but I will have Echoes "I really didn't want to come today" blurting out of my mouth as soon as I get there

[HairlessPolecat]

Originally Posted by Flooded

I've been known to get up and walk out while pdoc was mid-sentence She just expects me to still show up for my next appt and will occasionally ask what is it that made me walk.

It's now two hours until my appt and I still don't want to go. I will though, but I will have Echoes "I really didn't want to come today" blurting out of my mouth as soon as I get there

Flooded, I loved Echoes comment as well. I read, "I really didn't want to come today" and I laughed thinking that sounds like something I would be expected to say. I did not want to go last week or even the week before that but never in a million years had I ever given a first thought to actually just coming out and saying that. My therapist may fall out of his chair when I say it, but hey it won't be the first time I've given him a reason to be astounded. He manages and micro manages everything else I say so why not this too!
Hairlesspolecat AKA Teresa

[HairlessPolecat]

Originally Posted by Flooded

I've been known to get up and walk out while pdoc was mid-sentence She just expects me to still show up for my next appt and will occasionally ask what is it that made me walk.

It's now two hours until my appt and I still don't want to go. I will though, but I will have Echoes "I really didn't want to come today" blurting out of my mouth as soon as I get there

Flooded, I loved Echoes comment as well. I read, "I really didn't want to come today" and I laughed thinking that sounds like something I would be expected to say. I did not want to go last week or even the week before that but never in a million years had I ever given a first thought to actually just coming out and saying that. My therapist may fall out of his chair when I say it, but hey it won't be the first time I've given him a reason to be astounded. He manages and micro manages everything else I say so why not this too!
Hairlesspolecat AKA Teresa

[Flooded]

True to my word, I blurted it out. Pdoc said, "I get that feeling from you every week"

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by HairlessPolecat

Echoes.
I liked your statement about your first words being "I really didn't want to come today". Strangely, I never thought about voicing that ever, even when I did not want to be there. More than once lately, I have not wanted to be there. Two weeks ago, I wanted to get up a just walk out on my therapy but thankfully I did not. Yet I never thought about just saying anything about it. Maybe my entire session would have gone better had I done that. Thanks for the thought.
HairlessPoleCat AKA Teresa

Thanks Teresa

I have to give my therapist credit here. Once after a really nice session, at the end of it, I told her that I thought it was a really good session and that it was a surprise because "I really didn't feel like coming today" and she asked me, with curiosity not judgement, why I didn't say that in the beginning of the session. She said we could have talked about that. So, now when I'm feeling that way, I know it's a good place to 'begin'. Which makes sense because she says to 'begin where you are'.

[ECHOES]

Flooded, I'm glad you were able to make it to your appointment!!

[Flooded]

She wants me to see her again on Tuesday since things are rough at moment.

[ECHOES]

She sounds like a good pdoc. Caring and attuned.
I'm glad she is able to see you again Tuesday.

[HairlessPolecat]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Thanks Teresa

I have to give my therapist credit here. Once after a really nice session, at the end of it, I told her that I thought it was a really good session and that it was a surprise because "I really didn't feel like coming today" and she asked me, with curiosity not judgement, why I didn't say that in the beginning of the session. She said we could have talked about that. So, now when I'm feeling that way, I know it's a good place to 'begin'. Which makes sense because she says to 'begin where you are'.

"Begin where you are." Now, there's another really great line. I think I am going to throw that one out at the therapist before I say that I did not feel like coming in "today". Ok so now, I need to start decidiing where I am before I find myself sitting in the office. I spent an entire hour last week defining the word "fine" why he is always asking me "Well how are you doing?" I am very bad about saying "fine". It does not seem to matter what particular situation I am in the answer is always the same "fine". SO, I had already decided on changing my answers to fit how I feel but then to say (if it applies) that I really did not want to there that day. I think I might see some different responses from him. Thanks a lot. I just learned some more that may help me very shortly. You seem to be really intune and that is a wonderful thing. I wish I were that intune to how I feel so that I could have made that statement two weeks ago. Now I know I can not seem to stay away from PC, I just keep picking up little nuggets that cause my brain to go "OK that's a thought!" Cool.