[Mustkeepjob32]

Hi all,

Ok, I'm a 33 y/o gay male with depression and anxiety and now, Borderline Personality Disorder. The wonderful psychiatrist in Mexico who I've seen off and on finally used that term and it was like everything "clicked" at once.
I've dealt with depression and anxiety all my life but was always amazed at the instability of my life and the lives of those I held dear. The constant torment... I had honestly suspected BPD but since no one had ever used that term before, I didn't want to self-diagnose. But now it fits. I am no where near improvement though in my life.
Since I was last hear, I've gone through a couple more jobs. One travel assignment I just let go from today. It was a great job but I ruined it again. I am probably going home to visit my parents in WA state for a while to "heal" as they call it. My partner is in TJ but his family is toxic to me and their words have contributed to me losing control emotionally and self-hurt.
My Mom and Dad love me but they say so many hurtful things...like today my Mom said, "If you wanted this, you would have been able to do it." Doesn't she know that I want to be self-sufficient more than anything in this world? I just lack the coping mechanisms to do it in this life. Of course now she doesn't want me to get a job right away so as not to fail again. I understand that, but the longer I wait, the further from my career I get and eventually no one will ever higher me.
I'm on Effexor 75mg, Valproate magnesium 500mg and Seroquel XR 50mg, half a tablet a day. The Seroquel was given to me this spring when the Borderline issue came up. It is an extremely small dose but my Dr. believes the doses in the US are way to high. Plus, I'm scared to death of tardive dyskinesia.
I want to try to get a job as soon as possible again, but I don't want to fail again. There's so much to say and let out. I'll tell more on another post. I think I should try DBT, although I have no money or insurance to get that. I could try to get disability, but I don't want to do that really; I want to work.
Thanks for reading all and I'm glad to have found my way back to psychcentral. I don't know I got out of touch from here.

Z

[bpd2]

Hey, 32 (I'm tired . . . gave up on the whole moniker, and I apologize...).
I'm just back after a long hiatus, too. It's good to be here, good to see you here. I think you should work if it makes you feel better. Maybe try something low-key? Something a little under the radar for a month or so?
bpd2

[Fuzzybear]

[Astridetal]

Welcome back. I'm sorry you're having a hard time, but glad you were finally diagnosed with something that fits. I hope you can get treatment now.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Thanks for the welcome back wishes. I'm glad to be here at this forum again.
Tomorrow I have to get up, pack, check out, get on a city bus, go to the BART station, go to Coliseum in Oakland, get on AirBART to take me to the airport, get to the airport and check in (hoping checked bag is less than 50 lbs). Then upon landing at SEATAC, I have to take a shuttle up to Whidbey Island where my parents live.
I have so many things to and I'm just stressing thinking about them all. The biggest thing is this time, I'm not going anywhere to start an exciting adventure and get paid working and what I do best. I'm just packing up and leaving this wonderful place to go back to "home" where I often feel like my parents just are done with me and just have me there because of this "parent-obligatory notion" thing. My partner thinks this means I'm leaving him forever but it's not that; I just have to be in a safe place right now.
Of course being there I know I will immediately want to go back to work, but everyone will try to stop me. And I'm sure it's too soon to work, but what else am I supposed to do? My family is not well off, so I need to work. Ok, I'll just take tomorrow one step at a time.
Thanks again all!

[Mustkeepjob32]

OK I'm at SEATAC after the big day although I'm really worried because my partner said some stuff threatening suicide and I'm really scared for him. He is Borderline too and I'm worried because he is in Mexico and no one there is answering there dang phone. I have to believe he's OK. He thinks I'm running from him; I'm not, I'm trying to stay OK myself. I am no good to anyone unless I'm OK.

It will be nice to be back at "home" with Mom and Dad for however long it will be. Mom, Dad, and I don't always get along but they are my roots and I have to remember that. They also offer protection in so many ways.

[Zabine]

Since you do not have insurance or dinero you could try buying a DBT workbook and just work through it. I do it on my own accord in addition to my DBT, I can tell I get a lot out of it just by studying it on my own. Just a thought that might help!

[Mustkeepjob32]

Zabine, I thought about it and I'm definitely going to do it. Although I've read that DBT is best done in groups, I would love to think that a workbook would still be beneficial!

Z

[Mustkeepjob32]

Ok I just ordered the a DBT workbook from amazon....looking forward to it!

[eskielover]

I'm in a DBT group & I can say, it's the best therapy I have ever had. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. I find that when I answer questions, it helps me understand it better also.

The reason groups work so well is because one gets input from the others & also learns from others experiences. When we first started in the group none of us understood anything about DBT & we would just talk about things & our group leader would help us put it in DBT terms. Our group has grown so very close also & the care & understanding of the other people in the group is wonderful.

It's learning all the skills & the way to look at problem situations in order to come up with the best possible solution & also how to help distress situations become more tolerable, how to deal with emotions, & also interpersonal relations. Those are the basic topics of DBT. Mindfulness, which is combining our logical thinking with our emotional thinking in order to come up with the best possible solution is applied to the 3 other sections.

We have a social group here with the topic of DBT. No one has been posting much there, but it would be a great place for you to get more information as you go through your workbook. I check in there often to see if anyone is posting anything.

Best wishes in your "healing". I think it's best not to work for a little while....just to catch your breath & get settled. If you are good at reading your body & mind (use mindfulness), you will know when the time is right to go looking for a job.

[Lil Ant Lady]

hi there - wb
im new since you last logged in here
i expressed concern over tardive dyskinesi i am on 100mg of chlorpromazine (50mg twice daily) my pdoc said at low dosed its quite rare. not to say it doesnt happen but is less likely the less of the anti-pyschotic drug you take xx

[Mustkeepjob32]

laura, I figure if it is just a low risk of tardive dyskinesia, I can handle taking the med as the need for the med is high!

[Mustkeepjob32]

I'm so excited! I just got the DBT workbook in the mail and I just started reading it and doing the initial exercises. I am being proactive on this and I'm looking forward to learning and applying DBT in my life.

[Flooded]

I missed this thread! Welcome back!

I hope you find DBT works for you

[Mustkeepjob32]

So far it seems to be a good book and have good exercises. But there quite a few concepts! I just hope I don't get them all confused. I guess I just need to try them one at a time and be patient with myself to get more acquainted with them.