[opheliasorrow]

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder four years ago. I have had and still have classic symptoms but it no longer controls my life. I am learning how to make better choices for myself. I no longer like the label 'borderline' although it did give answers to many questions I had at the time when I needed them. It explained things that I previously wondered about, my behaviour and my irrational thoughts and actions. I understand WHY now and I can choose to react or act differently. It is a challenge, some days I feel like I am slipping backwards - but the fight is less challenging.

As a trainee psychotherapist I have had to learn how to be less impulsive, to learn to think before I act or speak and to take risks in order to overcome fears. This may sound easy but it is so hard, yet here I am half way through a degree and coping like I thought I never could.

I suffer with anxiety, PTSD, depression, BPD, dissociative amnesia - yet here I am being congruent and actually feeling quite amazed at what I have achieved despite being a survivor and despite all of the above. Maybe it is because of all of the above? Does it matter? I have overcome so much and I want you to know that it is achievable.

With love and faith, Kerry xx

[beauflow]

Thank you for sharing this opheliasorrow. I am glad that you are doing better and that are not labeled as BPD any more.

I do find a question popping up in my mind though; as you mentioned:

"I understand WHY now and I can choose to react or act differently. It is a challenge, some days I feel like I am slipping backwards - but the fight is less challenging."

So coping methods have helped and that is awesome, but I always am wondering; if learned coping methods, but yet something along the way really disastrous happens to happen- could that put you back at square one (I do not wish that upon any one- It is something I question in myself with things and figured since you are sharing, and in ways yes a success story- i thought maybe to ask)
You don't have to answer if you do not like, that is fine- It is something for self to ponder on as time goes on.

I think it is wonderful that you are half through your degree as well! That is really wonderful, and I am glad to read that- it gives me some hope for self

Big Smiles to you and your achievements keep up the good work on yourself and your work

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by beauflow

I always am wondering; if learned coping methods, but yet something along the way really disastrous happens to happen- could that put you back at square one

I think you can go back to square 1.01 -- but not entirely back to 1. And even from there recovery becomes easier.

[opheliasorrow]

Hello Beauflow

I don't mind answering at all. Yes in the past I have had great weeks, something has happened and there I am back down the side of the mud laden mountain again. Slowly as time has passed, my coping methods are becoming more efficient. Years ago I would have a knee jerk reaction and follow old patterns of behaviour ie withdrawal, being totally hypersensitive and go into total depression or self sabotage mode. Gradually I have started to take a step back and reflect instead of being so impulsive. Don;t get me wrong I still act on impulse sometimes and not always for the best, but I am able to use self control so much better than before. If I have the odd really bad day (and I do) it is literally only hours until I recover rather than weeks or months. I seem to be able to self regulate my emotions, self soothe and take great self care. I still have a long way to go but I see it all as a positive journey rather than an impossible challenge .

I hope this has explained your question and please feel free to ask more, e.mail me or pm me any time. I believe we all have all of the personality traits there are, it's when they become 'hard to manage or out of control' that they become problematic. My mum is very narcissistic and I know I carry her traits, it is human nature to do this, but I am aware of them which makes a difference.

I'm so glad that my story has given you hope Please take care and believe in yourself always . Love Kerry xxxx

[opheliasorrow]

Hello Pachyderm

I agree that you can go back, but like you say it is never all the way back and it gets easier and easier. A lot of my healing is thanks to a superb integrative/humanistic therapist who allowed me to make my own choices bit by bit. Those choices were healthier and gradually with that autonomy came self-belief, a better self-concept and the ability to grow a little at a time. If I go back now it is only a few steps and my recovery time is so much quicker .

Go well, take care and believe that tomorrow is brighter than yesterday. With love, Kerry xxxx

I hope that you can remember me from years ago and how far I have come? May this alone give you hope and belief that BPD need not be the only focus in life Kerry x

[opheliasorrow]

Wanted to add this to the two above replies to just give an example of how I view things more rationally as I've had a bit of a hard day today (nothing drastic) though it would have been the end of the world to lose 2 hours work at one time a few years ago xxxxxx

I applied for a second placement as a trainee psychotherapist at a women's prison. It took two hours to complete an on-line application and as I went to print it, I lost everything because of something I (later) found out. I felt like I was slipping into old habits by stressing and becoming upset. On closer inspection it had happened for a reason. I had omitted a whole section which was really important to my application . I calmly filled it all out again much quicker (as I already had info to hand) and felt a whole lot better for not becoming frustrated and seeing that in fact it wasn't the whole world against me, it was my own error . Feeling pleased that it is now all done and I must arrange an induction day be telephone tomorrow . It feels wonderful to have turned around my behaviour from a few years ago when I'd have probably just given up

Happy, Kerry xxxx

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by opheliasorrow

I hope that you can remember me from years ago

I do!

[opheliasorrow]

That's good to know xx Thank you x

[beauflow]

thank you for sharing your posts it's always good to read or hear coping skills work to help get out of things. It helps to know that they make things easier if a bump comes along in life always believed we can brush our selves off and try again- after my addictions and getting clean and staying clean i saw it to be even more true. Just emotions and my internal conflict i worry about due to it's not an outside source- it's with in me and stays. But your posts here both of you, has helped. Just maybe need to experience it more to believe it like with addiction but this will be a positive journey of bettering one self

Be well all

[opheliasorrow]

Beauflow what a positive and inspiration you are Thank you for sharing Take care and always believe in yourself Kerry xxx

[ECHOES]

Kerry, thanks for sharing your story about the application. When I read it, I also imagined myself in that situation and how at one point I would have thrown my hands up in despair and even gone on to blame someone/something, and in the end decide that the whole world was against me, conspiring against me, even.

Frustration tolerance is something I find myself having more of, the longer I'm in therapy.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Frustration tolerance is something I find myself having more of, the longer I'm in therapy.

Is that because you are exposed to more frustration in therapy?

[ECHOES]

@ pachy - No, it is because I am accepted in therapy mostly, and because I learn words for things, and I learn different ways of looking at a situation/relationship in my RL.

[opheliasorrow]

Echoes I totally agree with you. Thanks so much xxxx