Ok so I came to a revelation today. I don't particularly struggle with identity in the sense that it bothers me so much anymore. it's true, I don't feel like I fit in and I tend to mold myself with others but I realized that this in and of itself is my identity. I have the identity of being a changing, malleable person that makes himself fit in when he needs to. i guess in a sense, I have the identity of a chameleon. I mean even to the point that a chameleon uses his disguises to hide and melt into the background, I tend to do the same and go along with things so as not to draw too much attention to my unique "square peg in a round hole" feeling.

What do you all think of this? maybe it's not all a bad thing, but something unique about bpd that could be a positive trait?

I don't think it's a bad thing, particularly if you're aware that you're doing it which you are. The only time it's bad is when the abandonment feelings hit because you've changed too much to fit in to the hole or when you don't realize you're doing it in the first place. There's nothing wrong with being able to fit in or being able to melt in to the background. I'm generally pretty good at that myself but haven't had much practice lately since I spend way too much time at home these days.

Originally Posted by Maranara

I don't think it's a bad thing, particularly if you're aware that you're doing it which you are. The only time it's bad is when the abandonment feelings hit because you've changed too much to fit in to the hole or when you don't realize you're doing it in the first place. There's nothing wrong with being able to fit in or being able to melt in to the background. I'm generally pretty good at that myself but haven't had much practice lately since I spend way too much time at home these days.

yeah I agree. remember also that right now I'm finding my place, as a single person and it's helping me to feel more like an individual. I have no one to cling or depend on and live in the shadow of now.

Good thing. I am very flexible and i think very opened minded to others and less judgmental.

Bad when you find yourself working around 20 year olds and take on that persona when you are in your forties. Screwed up first job i had in 13 years because of this. I realized what i was doing and was embarrassed by my own behavior , quit job after 4 months. lesson learned...

Originally Posted by triste1

Bad when you find yourself working around 20 year olds and take on that persona when you are in your forties.

I've done that too, with one of my daughter's friends, and I got angry at myself and them when I couldn't pull it off, but at the time didn't realize I was doing it or mad because of it. Luckily it didn't involve work, but I didn't understand what I was doing until after it came crashing down.

I have a different opinion. I don't think it's a good thing to be malleable. It frustrates me a lot how I don't have an identity of my own and I tend to absorb the personality traits of people I idolize, but if you guys are content with it, that's good.

Originally Posted by Maranara

I've done that too, with one of my daughter's friends, and I got angry at myself and them when I couldn't pull it off, but at the time didn't realize I was doing it or mad because of it. Luckily it didn't involve work, but I didn't understand what I was doing until after it came crashing down.

I'm glad I'm not the only who has done this. Thank you for sharing that.

That happened a year ago. I did know anything about bpd at the time. Learning about bpd has taught me a lot about myself especially the chameleon side of me as I can look back now and see how much ive done this throughout my life.

Do people with bpd ever find there own identity?
I sometimes dream of who I want to be, but don't know how to be her.

I don't know if I truly have found my identity as in a tangible, unique one that is fully fleshed out but I do Identify with two things that are me. These things have remained consistent. Artist and gamer. They are things about my personality that I know do not change but it's not the entire make up of me so I can't say they are full identities.

[Ultra Darkness]

I'm a chameleon. I'm aware of it, and both like and hate it.

[cboxpalace]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Ok so I came to a revelation today. I don't particularly struggle with identity in the sense that it bothers me so much anymore. it's true, I don't feel like I fit in and I tend to mold myself with others but I realized that this in and of itself is my identity. I have the identity of being a changing, malleable person that makes himself fit in when he needs to. i guess in a sense, I have the identity of a chameleon. I mean even to the point that a chameleon uses his disguises to hide and melt into the background, I tend to do the same and go along with things so as not to draw too much attention to my unique "square peg in a round hole" feeling.

What do you all think of this? maybe it's not all a bad thing, but something unique about bpd that could be a positive trait?

I guess the questions that I would ask is do you know who you are as a person? what you believe in? More importantly does it remain consistent.

I like these kinds of questions because they are thought provoking and can be looked at from different angles and lead to deep discussion. If you don't have a consistent perception of yourself then in a sense you're ignoring the root problem which is a consistent self image. You've rationalized away your lack of identity into your identity. It's using a dysfunctional coping strategy to cope with dysfunction, because a healthy coping strategy would be to deal with the underlying dysfunction which is lack of identity. I think in a way this is a process many of us use in order to adapt and survive. I haven't done it with this, but I have done it in other areas. For me when I've used to dysfunction coping strategies to deal with dysfunction I'm still left feeling empty.

I think the technical answer would be it's not a positive trait when the root problem is being ignored. I think though it goes beyond that to the individual person, and it appears that it doesn't bother you and it allows you to function so in that sense, in this particular situation, it could be a positive trait for you. If it was bothering you to any extent then I'd say it wasn't positive.

I think that any trait of any personality can be positive or negative. thing is that every single personality trait has both sides... so it's all in how you express these things.

Systematizing the clinical and theoretical literature, Westen and Cohen (12) summarized the major attributes of identity disturbance hypothesized to be central to borderline personality disorder. These include a lack of consistently invested goals, values, ideals, and relationships; a tendency to make temporary hyperinvestments in roles, value systems, world views, and relationships that ultimately break down and lead to a sense of emptiness and meaninglessness; gross inconsistencies in behavior over time and across situations that lead to a relatively accurate perception of the self as lacking coherence; difficulty integrating multiple representations of self at any given time; a lack of a coherent life narrative or sense of continuity over time; and a lack of continuity of relationships over time that leaves significant parts of the patient’s past "deposited" with people who are no longer part of the individual’s life, and hence the loss of shared memories that help define the self over time.

This is from Psychiatryonline/ American Journal...
Still confused about this identity stuff.

yeah well it's confusing stuff. Back in high school I changed crowds drastically more times than you can count. Some of which included the preppie (as we called it back then, really just snobs, imo), the stoner, the jock, the artist, the dancer, the bully, the bullied.. you name it I've had the identity...

i know quite a few social chameleons. i don't get along well with them, haha. one was a friend of an ex who was also an Aries like me and we butted heads a lot, and the other is husband's ex-gf.

though i don't know that your definition matches mine. with the two people i mentioned, it was so painfully obvious that they were becoming completely different people depending on what kind of group they were in. it was crazy. the guy i mentioned did it in a snap. the ex did it after a few days of hanging in a new crowd. but both were quite noticeable. they really weren't their own personalities. they just became like everyone else, inside and out. if they hung out with nice people, they were nice. when with jerks, they became jerks. i can't stand that kind of person.

but to be able to blend, instead of become, i consider that a good thing. i mean, it cuts down on awkwardness, and it's a good way to learn how to act in social situations for those of us who lack in that department.

i have mentioned before that i seem to have two different personalities, one that is what i am around my husband and when i'm alone, what i consider the "real" me, and the other that i use when i go to my crochet groups or have to interact with people in a business setting. i was afraid that the two were blending together, but i'm going back to work soon, and thankfully they're still pretty separate. i should be fine at work.

yay blending!

Originally Posted by triste1

I'm glad I'm not the only who has done this. Thank you for sharing that.

That happened a year ago. I did know anything about bpd at the time. Learning about bpd has taught me a lot about myself especially the chameleon side of me as I can look back now and see how much ive done this throughout my life.

Do people with bpd ever find there own identity?
I sometimes dream of who I want to be, but don't know how to be her.

You're welcome to go through and explore my early threads here. The entire episode is the reason I totally lost it last year, discovered BPD, and found PC.

A large part of what I know about my true identity stems around teaching and writing, and I lost a large part of the teaching identity when I chose to move 2,600 miles and didn't get another job in the profession. It's been difficult to make up for that gap. I have also been big in to gaming in the past but in recent years have broken from that. With being a bit of a recluse at the moment since I work at home, I believe I'm slowly establishing an identity, but I also know that it will be ripped from me the instant I get involved with someone or a group which doesn't work well with that identity.