[Chronic]

I'm hoping I'm not the only one to feel like this...

Something occurred to me in the middle of the night...for the last 7 years I have avoided life. The few relationships I have had have hurt me beyond what I could imagine and for this reason I have avoided any close relationships. No one knows me. Not even my T. He knows what I show him in therapy but he doesn't know the several other personalities I have for each situation as required. To make it worse, I don't know myself. I don't know which of these personalities is the real me, or if I am someone completely different. I am hung up on the past- all the pain from all my relationships from birth. Everyday something reminds me of a painful time.

I am scared that if I ever get better and have a better life, that life will have passed me by and wont have lived. The thought of that is enough to make me want to take my life now. I would rather be done with it now than go through all the pain to improve my life only to realise how much I have missed out on. I am 29 now and have no idea what I have been doing over the last few years. Just wandering around in a daze trying not get hurt, getting hurt, then trying not to get hurt again. Knowing that people don't like me. Trying to stop the pain but failing miserably and making everything worse. Trying to figure out what I want from life, what I like, what I don't, what my opinions are, do I even have an opinion, do I exist etc etc. As one problem seems to subside, I am hit with several more until it all become overwhelming and there I am again wanting to end my life. It is pathetic that I cannot function like an adult

I am fed up with moaning to my T about how difficult i find things that most other people don't have a problem with, feeling like a cry baby in therapy and feeling inferior to my T and to all his other patients. I am ultimately ashamed of myself and the fact that exist at all.

I am so angry with my parents for making me like this, for not looking after me and protecting me, and for setting me up to fail at life. I know as an adult it is now my responsibility and I shouldn't be blaming my parents, but I do. They gave me this personality disorder and because of that I have trouble in every area of my life. I am stuck emotionally as a 5 year old. I took it upon myself to go into therapy, several times, to get better. I am the one having to go through the pain of the past, the present and the future, and I am the one who financially has to pay for it. How can they be allowed to get away with it.

Sorry, rant over. I just feel completely at a loss and in despair and wanted to be surrounded by my fellow BPD's. Thanks for reading

[beauflow]

Chronic -- there are a lot of things that you write that I can identify with as well.... I wonder who I am many days, then when I do find my self beginning to settle in as in "this is me" i then feel as if no- it is not.

There are several days I wonder if I am just doing things due to that is what others want me to do (i.e. I do stuff and wonder if it is what my boyfriend wants me to do, or is it something that I am doing for me cuz I want to or I feel that I try to bank off him too much on attitude and so on-- is it really me or is it a reflection?) I do believe it is part of me- for it was not at least a part of me, I would not be able to do it I would think but who knows... I feel in the past I did this was several friends.. I don't hang out with friends these days. All I have is my boyfriend-

The relationship strife that I have -- we probably differ on that- I am with my first boyfriend (we got together when i was 22 and I am now 25) I saw he was like me in so many ways- which I am not sure to be honest if that is good or bad.

To be honest we both admint- we have been wondering around dazed for years.. we don't seem to move forward even though we want to... We have jobs yay! I guess we stick to that LOL... I feel with me we could do more, why don't we I ask, I can't say.. some thing with in stops me, I can blame out side but I see the things with in that stop me... hurt, failure, fear and so on. big blockers

My family- sigh- I tried to have a relationships with these siblings of mine as we grew older, and apart... but I find with one brother of mine we just don't work out- we feed off of each other (which may go back to the identity issue)... my sisters well they are just to busy and to be honest I don't have the energy to take all the stuff one sister throws at me.. another sister I fear of what she remembers and I don't want to talk about stuff with her... but yet I still call them from time to time which is more than what they do for me lol

Friendships- ugh- I seem to get hurt and I don't know why.. So since about 21 I have just been like **** it- don't get too close to people for real- ANd not so much did this start at 21, but at 21 it was real starting to suclude and stop trying.. I can say as a child, a teenager, and even now I am the same with don't get too close to anyone-- but then at 22 I got together with my boyfriend- which I know is a contradiction.. but see I may sound crazy but i felt a connection with him, and to be honest He is enough for me meaning I have so much strife with our relationship some times, I Have to really wonder if putting friends in the mix would help.. would I bank off another to decide my life.

It is sad, yes.. but some where is me I know

Parent blame! I am so in the same boat with that as well- I am not going to blame them for everything, but let's face it- they could have done a better job, and yes we are the ones that have to suffer through it all--- but ya know what- we I would hope to think are stronger to do so.. We are trying to take some responsibility rather than nothing. We at lesaet identify that there IS A problem.

Suicidal thoughts- too much to write but yes- to be confused on what is real, where I am going, and what the hell to do now.. I feel alone, lost, frustrated and so much more to that mix to where it is like- it would be better off for me to be gone... but it is not.. I learned through a friend's action- you hurt more people by doing the suicide thing that you probably will ever realize
I don't know about many, but I have been hurt enough that I don't want to hurt others.
It is a complicated issue with me, a conflict, but I remember that and keep hold of it. Even if I debate it would be better off with me being here, something would be missing and that something would be me--- I say me, but this goes for you and everyone as well.

Ya know- I am scared tooo, This is my life, it has been my life, and I am afraid when I am 40 if I make it there, it will be life there too.. But the thing is-- we don't know
I know I can say keep up the working on your self- I tell me that- but then there are some days that I feel it is futile due to what if all this working on me does not change a damn thing and I find 20 years or so from now it was a waste... the thing is, I am sure it changes some thing even if I can not see it- or even if it is not a dramatic change where Poof all bad is away..

I remember about a year a go I got told, you seem in a better mood over all- I had not noticed but it was nice for another observe it.. Even if others dont observe it, some where inside, i know 5 years ago I was worse off than right now.... Even if I don't feel as my emotions are all under control, or thoughts or some new things have came to play, I feel some where inside things are better.

I hope you can too feel that even a little for yourself.

SOrry to write so much-- but you are not alone- I am sure more can relate to you.

Don't feel bad about ranting Be well!

[I'mNotReal]

[likewater]

Hugs to all of you. I'm 38. I relate to EVERYTHING above. I split a little less. I lose time and have ego states. I more have ages not
distinct personalities. My new T is a student. I like her a lot, but obviously clueless. She says things like, " i've never heard of this
before, " and , " do you think it's possible to forget what's happened to you. " sure i can forget. I don't remember half of it now. I don" t even remember what happens to me now. If the cure were foegetting, i' d be there. Then T will be done with school in April.
Says to me, " hopefully you'll be much better in April." Yeah right. I gave a lot of confidence in that.

[likewater]

Anyhow, i wish beauflow and chronic wonderful healing. I know i'm pessimistic in my reply , but i look at where i was at your age amd where i am now and things are better. I have a wonderful bfriend of 5 years and a best friend of 4 years i trust with my life.
Life gets better, but it is hard work and it may never look or feel the way we imagined and healing is never as fast as we want or expect it to be. The trick is to never give up. The race is not given to the swift nor to the strong, but to those who endure to the end.

[Ygrec23]

Chronic said:

"I am scared that if I ever get better and have a better life, that life will have passed me by and wont have lived. The thought of that is enough to make me want to take my life now. I would rather be done with it now than go through all the pain to improve my life only to realise how much I have missed out on."

No, Chronic, no. What you're living now IS life, or part of life. Life isn't a party or a satisfying learning situation at all times. You're not missing out. Life is composed of all kinds of different things, good and bad, up and down, happy and unhappy. Much of the time we all wish it were always good, always pleasant, always interesting or entertaining. But it's not at all like that for 99.9% of people. Which is to say, all people. What you see on TV or in the movies or in the magazines is all a terrible distortion. And the reason they make money selling such distortions is because everyone would like everything to be better all the time. And for me and for you and for almost everyone else it's just not.

The best way that I've found to get away from personal misery and unhappiness is to try to find ways of really, effectively helping others. If you can help others feel better, really feel better, people who are suffering more than you are, well, you'll feel better too. You don't have to trust me on that, just give it a good try and see for yourself. For all of us, there are always so many people worse off than we are. Helping them puts meaning into our lives. Makes us feel better about ourselves. Gives us perspective about what's important in this life and what's not.

Yes, I know all about unhappy, unsupportive families. I had one too. Did they know what they were doing? No. Were they themselves essentially unhappy? Absolutely. Did they really do the best they could? No question. What does that mean for me? It means that we all try our best and we may or may not succeed in our children's eyes. Is there anything to do to get out of this terrible situation? Yes, there is. Sincerely love God and help those who suffer worse than we do. Did my parents do that? No. Do most people do that? No. Did I find that out on my own? Yes. During the course of a long and difficult life with ups and downs, good and bad, successes and failures.

You can still have many, many years of great pleasure and satisfaction in what you do and what you experience. You just have to get your values adjusted. Love truth and right and justice. Help the suffering. Accept what comes your way. That's all. Not too hard, really. Really!