....ya know I really don't know what to write here now!



I don't feel very confident about anything!

my bpd head wants to put me down...it's a reflex.

I don't deserve to feel so bad about me but I do....it is so natural to me

I begin each day with a list of 'terribles'
all about me
as I go about things.

it is not very comfortable....nup....nope

but it is ok I guess....I am still here

and my mind is like a house....

I live in there!

I wander the hallways and try to ignore the bashing sounds coming from the locked rooms upstairs...!

so many of the doors in my house are closed shut!
I hang out in the living room...

the pictures are falling off the walls and the paint is peeling rats run around my feet.

whats in the damn basement? I can tell there is haunted movement and I am surrounded by the walls closing in.

Why are all these doors locked so tight.??

I have boarded up the front door!...I have the back door open but it just swings in the wind annoying the crap out of me.

what are in those rooms?...I whisper loudly.....I hide around the staircase
just incase....my house is haunted ...it's an asylum no wonder I won't let anybody IN!

...what happens if I need to get into a room?

holy crap...do I really need to?

sure I do...I have to get out of the living room and explore!

my house is so big and so complicated and from the outside it looks complete....

and there are fire trucks parked out front permanently cos the flames are kinda hot and the neighbours are scared.

I peek my silly head from behind a curtain to view the madness...and then I run screaming silently fumbling with all my house keys...knowing I locked all the doors so tight!

and the rats run around my feet ...and I am used to them now and I smile and I am not afraid.

I wish I could just open a damn window....let in some fresh air.

the stale putrid recycled oxygen that I breathe is so tasteless and yet beautiful so morbid and reckless.

I know I bolted those windows to the frame....!

and I left things around the place to rip them apart!

....I grip the riser....I collapse with just one arm keeping my face away from the grubby carpet....
I cannot believe I am even moving?
and yet I don't intend to move any more gripping for my safety.

the walls are closing and I hate the cliche so much I burst into hysteria and cackle horendous sounds of the pitifull human!.....there must be no escape from this?!
and what is driving me insane is forgotten as my knees give way and now the dirt and the years of wear and tear are in my face.

and what was that?

a glimpse of myself disasterous person in a mis-shaped poorly hung painting ....can I even lift my head again to see if it was real?

it wobbles ridiculously on my body...this dumb shape that meets me everywhere I go.....following me around like it's reliable or even useful...

demanding like it is now.....collapsed...stupid
just the way the top of the body assumes is best.

light bulbs flicker and candles are lazily bent...idiots are everywhere and feathers are spent
flying is not an option in the dark and I hold on for dear life!

...an angel guides me to my feet...and I hate my feet

I resist I fight and thrash around ashamed to have a soul trapped in this miserable shape!

it goes on for a few minutes and after a few minutes I realise it has been years!
struggling....and my home is complete as it crumbles around me...what were rooms are now stacks of rubble and what was a staircase goes absolutely freakin' nowhere

the only place I can hide now is in the basement...

cold damp webs....entangled dripping and moisture green swamp mind!
who needs steps?
as I first shudder and then shake and then I exist no more as a body

ghost clouds of myself appear and feel at peace in the dark muddy dripping underworld.
and what happened? and do I care?

does care even mean anything here?

is this a place of the un-care
is this a place of the un-wanted
is this a place of the un-necessary
is this a place of the un-hate
is this a place of the un-real
is this a place of the un....deniable!

...I shake my face!....I have to move my limbs to feel to be real in my swamp down deep and dark.
I keep my eyes closed and the mud helps...
I am not ready to face the daylight

[Forgive77]

My mind is like a bad neighborhood....I don't go there alone.

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

...an angel guides me to my feet...and I hate my feet

I resist I fight and thrash around ashamed to have a soul trapped in this miserable shape!

it goes on for a few minutes and after a few minutes I realise it has been years!

Why not just simply accept the angel's help?

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

struggling....and my home is complete as it crumbles around me...what were rooms are now stacks of rubble and what was a staircase goes absolutely freakin' nowhere

the only place I can hide now is in the basement...

cold damp webs....entangled dripping and moisture green swamp mind!
who needs steps?
as I first shudder and then shake and then I exist no more as a body

Sometimes the best way to start over is to tear the old house down and build a new one.

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

...I shake my face!....I have to move my limbs to feel to be real in my swamp down deep and dark.
I keep my eyes closed and the mud helps...
I am not ready to face the daylight

You are clinging to something familiar. Without it you fear you will lose yourself. You desperately want to face the daylight but the fear is holding you back. What if you fall into a black hole never to get out again? Well...

Let us catch you. We are witnesses that you exist. Just stay connected and reach out and grab our outstretched hands. If you start to fall we're gonna pull you away from that black hole. But first you've got to accept the help and get out of the mud.

What if all this torment you are experiencing right now is in fact..an awakening? Let yourself fully awaken. Stop fighting it.

Originally Posted by Forgive77

My mind is like a bad neighborhood....I don't go there alone.

....wow!!!

Originally Posted by athena2011

Why not just simply accept the angel's help?

Sometimes the best way to start over is to tear the old house down and build a new one.
You are clinging to something familiar. Without it you fear you will lose yourself. You desperately want to face the daylight but the fear is holding you back. What if you fall into a black hole never to get out again? Well...

Let us catch you. We are witnesses that you exist. Just stay connected and reach out and grab our outstretched hands. If you start to fall we're gonna pull you away from that black hole. But first you've got to accept the help and get out of the mud.

What if all this torment you are experiencing right now is in fact..an awakening? Let yourself fully awaken. Stop fighting it.

...C, thankyou.....you really get it hey?

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

...C, thankyou.....you really get it hey?

Just a wild guess (I'm living it too - except my house is still being torn down).