[Trippin2.0]

Well, I did it again don't know if i must allow the sadness to envelope me or be proud of myself and buy into my own facade...

Brief overview. Been inlove with someone I thought to be a close friend for 12yrs. We only hooked up in '09 coz I had a baby and he went to travel the world and yadda yadda.
Been on and off since then,always 'off' due to my delusions,paranoia and emotional outbursts... Piece a work ain I?

After verbally and textually abusing him for 2weeks he stopped all contact (end of Oct 2011) after apologizing like a maniac for weeks on end he agreed to see me in November.
I was over the moon :'( I thought, 'here's my last chance, don't fudge it up Ophelia.' Well, we didn't mention my trip down crazy lane, just spent the evening being together, joking,laughing, messing about,mostly just lying in his arms. God I was so happy that day. Then he just dissapeared... And Yes, he knows I have abandonment issues, that's why it hurts so friggn bad. Never bothered to txt just to say 'I can't deal with your shite' or 'you scare the shite outta me' or even 'you hurt me too many times' NOTHING

Present day, after some impulsive texting in the last 2 weeks, today I decided that I don't want him having the satisfaction of knowing he broke me so i textd him a fakeass msg, saying I forgive him for being such a d i c k, and that he's clearly made his choice. And so have i. Said i chose to not be angry and to move forward and never look back (LIES) and You know what? the M0FO actually RESP0NDED? 'take care' #kissyface# ARGH I JUST WANT TO PUNCH SOMETHING! And I know that halfassed text was meant to bait me, but I didn't take it! Of THAT I am proud.

Well he bought it, but I'm still crying alone in my room,wondering why I'm never good enough. Got nobody to confide in. It just hurts SO bad, but I gotta put my mask back on, can't let the world see me without my make-up. IDK why I'm posting, guess I just wanted to be real for a moment.
Will I ever REALLY be ok again? there's a sick aching nausea in my stomach that's spreading, this is becoming physically painful... He said he would never leave me, not even in death, he's been saying that since I was 16... What changed? Am I such a terrible person?

[doglover5]

(((((((((((((Trippin))))))))))))) Kudos to you for not taking the bait!!!! This door mat becomes a door blockade once that switch is flipped! Ha. In that moment I would have completely blown my "cover" of the fake apology text after getting a reply like that- "IM NOT SORRY AT ALL YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF LYING DOG $H¡T I HOPE YOUR ARMS SPONTANEOUSLY FALL OFF AT THE SAME TIME YOUR CROTCH GETS INFESTED WITH CRABS!!!!!!!!!!"

Sometimes it just hurts so bad all you can do is laugh to keep from crying
You're never alone here!

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks. 2 emotional 2 say anything further.

[Trippin2.0]

Some men suck wet rabid dog arse with warts in the rectum
Deep breath...
There, I am composed. I refuse to let this douche affect me any longer. Wasted enough tears. I now declare myself free!

[Rosie23]

I'm sorry Trippin. It stinks when people let you down like that.
And you can be free. Just take 5 minutes at a time or an hour or a day. Whatever is easiest and get through it in baby steps. Pretty soon you'll be skipping and running down the road.

....hey Trippin...I really like your South African obscentities!

I wonder you got that last text message playin' a loop in your head, and the louder it gets the more it hurts your ears on backwards.
I went through something very similar...almost scary similar minus details, in december. Made a complete utter useless dogs busted ballbag of myself!! I thought I couldn't bounce back...but I did.
It was sudden...and I really was free.
It occurred to me that there MUST be something wrong with the situation to have me so f&%#ed up about it!! surely MUST be.
...and I understand the manic apologies!...holy crap!
Then I realised the other person was at such a level of insensitivity...that it probably never even mattered to them what I did or said.
that helped me install a better mask for the next insane adventure..

sorry you went through all that stuff mate....and still suffering..yep

oh yeh!....and the more and harder I apologised..the more crap I ended up having to apologise for!!....it's nutso

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks DM for the support and the laugh ...think you have a point about the insensitivity thing. I just wanna forget about the whole gawdawful experience. Need to start living again ya know? Shitscared, but I've got to. Existing isn't enough anymore

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks DM for the support the laugh and ray of hope ...think you have a point about the insensitivity thing. I just wanna forget about the whole gawdawful experience. Need to start living again ya know? Shitscared, but I've got to. Existing isn't enough anymore

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Thanks DM for the support the laugh and ray of hope ...think you have a point about the insensitivity thing. I just wanna forget about the whole gawdawful experience. Need to start living again ya know? Shitscared, but I've got to. Existing isn't enough anymore

Sorry you went through that experience Trippin. I think you're handling it well though. I had something similar end in November. The guy just cut off all contact. In some ways worse, but in some ways easier. I started writing him a letter (mostly venting). Then after I let it sit for a bit, I got a little clearer about what went wrong (wrong guy, wrong time, his anger issues, his stonewalling, my borderline tendencies). Then I just barely ever think of him now so the letter sits unfinished somewhere in my word files. Not sure if I'll ever finish it - seems like a waste of time. The shock and the pain is gone. Good feelings, bad feelings - are all gone. There are just no feelings. But the lesson remains. I'm hoping that's a good thing.

Oh - now I remember why I replied to this particular quote of yours. "Need to start living again". I see a ray of sunshine there. It implies that you did live at some point. You know how to. You just need to find your way back.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by athena2011

Sorry you went through that experience Trippin. I think you're handling it well though. I had something similar end in November. The guy just cut off all contact. In some ways worse, but in some ways easier. I started writing him a letter (mostly venting). Then after I let it sit for a bit, I got a little clearer about what went wrong (wrong guy, wrong time, his anger issues, his stonewalling, my borderline tendencies). Then I just barely ever think of him now so the letter sits unfinished somewhere in my word files. Not sure if I'll ever finish it - seems like a waste of time. The shock and the pain is gone. Good feelings, bad feelings - are all gone. There are just no feelings. But the lesson remains. I'm hoping that's a good thing.

Oh - now I remember why I replied to this particular quote of yours. "Need to start living again". I see a ray of sunshine there. It implies that you did live at some point. You know how to. You just need to find your way back.

Thank you for your kind words,support and encouragement. I think you're right, I am handling it well, sure there were a few hours when I wanted to SI or take a bunch of pills to put me to sleep, but I waited it out And having the support of people who understand what I'm going thru, REALLY helped.