Hi all,

I've noticed this dichotomy within myself. I find it very difficult to actually let myself feel as though people around me love and care about me. I seem to undermine their attempts to relay such love. Even though I fail to let them into my life, I don't want them to leave me because of it. It's like I don't want to accept you (your love, friendship, etc) but please don't reject me. Ugh, so very borderline.

Any advice?

Love and hugs,
Tara

Originally Posted by tara_922

Hi all,

I've noticed this dichotomy within myself. I find it very difficult to actually let myself feel as though people around me love and care about me. I seem to undermine their attempts to relay such love. Even though I fail to let them into my life, I don't want them to leave me because of it. It's like I don't want to accept you (your love, friendship, etc) but please don't reject me. Ugh, so very borderline.

Any advice?

Love and hugs,
Tara

no advice dear sweetheart....

just

I
understand

...I try so hard to keep people liking me...


I don't know what else to do?

[venusss]

To me being loved is sort of responsibility. Yet, I want to matter and be accepted.... when people like me, it in a way proves my worth....

I don't know what to do about it though. Been struggling with this lately.

[summeryoga]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

...I try so hard to keep people liking me...


I don't know what else to do?

Don't try so hard, James. I like you as you are ... nothing to try for.

[Forgive77]

Originally Posted by tara_922

Hi all,

I've noticed this dichotomy within myself. I find it very difficult to actually let myself feel as though people around me love and care about me. I seem to undermine their attempts to relay such love. Even though I fail to let them into my life, I don't want them to leave me because of it. It's like I don't want to accept you (your love, friendship, etc) but please don't reject me. Ugh, so very borderline.

Any advice?

Love and hugs,
Tara

that's where your CBT/DBT therapy work comes in. It teaches you how to think....and eventually let your guard down. Plus not be effected so much by what people say and think. Do you go to therapy?

[summeryoga]

Originally Posted by tara_922

Hi all,

I've noticed this dichotomy within myself. I find it very difficult to actually let myself feel as though people around me love and care about me. I seem to undermine their attempts to relay such love. Even though I fail to let them into my life, I don't want them to leave me because of it. It's like I don't want to accept you (your love, friendship, etc) but please don't reject me. Ugh, so very borderline.

Any advice?

Love and hugs,
Tara

I wish I had advice ... All I can say is that I've been married ten years, with him for 16 years, friends with him for 23 years ... and after all this time of his loving me and not abandoning me, I STILL cannot accept his love. Just can't believe or accept it, and still expect he will eventually figure out how terrible a person I am ... and up and leave. Sigh. DBT does help, at least in those moments when you can find your way to wise mind or dedicate yourself to learning and applying the DBT skills.

[summeryoga]

When will we learn to love ourselves?!! Has anyone out there gotten to that point?

[Forgive77]

Originally Posted by summeryoga

When will we learn to love ourselves?!! Has anyone out there gotten to that point?

Learn to love myself....hmmm....I can say that I've learned that...I've learned that I am just as important as anyone else, and my feelings count too. If that's loving yourself....then yes...if not...LOL I'm still working on it.

[Onward2wards]

If I were in your shoes, I think the thoughts and feelings might go like this:

1. I want to be accepted and give/receive affection (natural drive)
2. I don't think this is going to happen, as it tends not to (negative expectation)
3. There must be a reason for this - perhaps I am just not acceptable somehow but I don't know how! (HUGE anxiety provoking suspicion)

Then I'd have a few options to deal with it, understandable but self-defeating, such as:
* Cut off ties with others pre-emptively, or attack/reject them in some way (to get the evil moment over with, as the uncertainty would get overwhelming)
* Do whatever it takes to impress the other person, even if that meant throwing away any personal preferences
* If I am causing abandonment, abandon myself in retaliation (very self-destructive one, that)

The desire and the fear would create a huge approach-avoidance conflict, I'd think. Having some powerful and totally normal emotional needs not met for a long time is probably what people feel as that "Inner void that can never be filled"...? A sort of extended frustration that is literally palpable.

All I can think of is challenging the expectation of abandonment and the assumption it's all my fault, and that I have little control over it without selling out, attacking the other person, or attacking myself for it all. Not easy by any means, but necessary. I would think that the self-fulfilling nature of the coping mechanisms would perpetuate the whole cycle.

((( Tara )))

It seems to me the best approach would be to define and imagine what you really want, figure out how to get it without using means that harm self or other or violate your own preferences, and - here's the hard part - see in your internal mirror someone who is capable of pulling that off, and deserves to achieve it. This encompasses many psychological issues, not only borderline ones.

Ever heard of Schema Therapy? You can find some info here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schema_Therapy
http://www.schematherapy.com/id30.htm

... and this is a book on it I'm reading at the moment: http://www.schematherapy.com/id202.htm

I don't really have any advice but i know exactly how you feel - as do many others - so at least your not alone I find that with me, im happy to pour my heart and soul into a relationship, really give it everything ive got, and yet i always expect my affection to be reciprocated - at least in part - or otherwise i start demonizing and tearing people down from their pedestals. Anyone else relate to this?

Originally Posted by bb2023

I don't really have any advice but i know exactly how you feel - as do many others - so at least your not alone I find that with me, im happy to pour my heart and soul into a relationship, really give it everything ive got, and yet i always expect my affection to be reciprocated - at least in part - or otherwise i start demonizing and tearing people down from their pedestals. Anyone else relate to this?

I go to sex and love addicts anonymous and one of the characteristics of sex and or love addiction is "we assign magical qualities to others and when they don't fulfill our expectations we blame them". So, you're not alone.

Love and hugs,
Tara