[Kathleen83]

Funny thing noticed.....as I've been around here. Generally speaking....I found myself ignoring this place on bad days. Not that unusual for me, I guess, as when I am feeling *that* way....I tend to close up, close in, and try to isolate myself.....to keep from inflicting my bad mood on others. Rages aren't acceptable....bad moods aren't permitted....not allowed to show anger....all carry overs from forever....not socially acceptable....pretend pretend pretend....and when I can't pretend anymore....hide.....run away until it's over.

As always....when I'm alone....I'm calm. But, I'm married. I work. I can't just hole up and hide for whatever period of time I think I might need, to get by. And despite my best intentions...despite my best efforts....it seems like it takes less and less to set me off....and I mean set me off BIG time. I'm back to punching and kicking things.....walls....whatever....anything non-human. Haven't done THAT in years....and now I'm doing it more and more. Keeps me from physically attacking those my rage might be directed at, at any given moment. I *know* my rage is out of proportion to what I am feeling, experiencing. Even if someone truly IS doing something to piss me off....the AMOUNT of pissed off I get is....way too huge. So, to keep from attacking....*them*.....I attack walls, inanimate objects. The pain and blood helps bring me back down to something resembling rationality. "Stop that! That doesn't help anything!" Wrong. It does.

These rages scare me. The desire to give into them scares me even more.

Oh honey im sorry you feel this way it sounds like your in need of a more dependable outlet - you shouldn't have to go around pretending and holding everything in, its just not good for you. All of what you said isn't unacceptable you just need a little support coming to terms with what your experiencing and converting all that energy into something more useful and less harmful. How about a journal of some sort? for me just scribbling down all thats bothering me gets everything out in a creative and almost soothing way.

Could your partner possibly play a more active part in your recovery if they don't already? perhaps lying in bed and having a cuddle when you feel particularly tense might help ease the rage? i know it sounds simple but physical contact can help ground us when things seem so out of control. How about going for long walks together - you don't need to have long discussions or debate the matter just enjoy being in each others company?

If you really can't stand to be surrounded by anyone else when your feeling this way have you thought maybe of creating a special place in your house which you can fill with everything you love so that when you need to you can go spend some time in there and try to relax? Think of it as like an anti rage den lol

Maybe anger management might be of some use to you? it helps get to the heart of the matter and the role play based on real events on your life help you to relate these new skills to future situations and put current problems into context.

Remember hun your trying so hard right now your probably wearing yourself out. Try and be as kind to yourself as you can and remember we're all ears if you need to talk. Good luck

[RaggedyAnn67]

I am personally not able to be around people any more. I live alone and have no friends. I barely talk to my sons any more. (Their in their early 20's and no everything anyway). I lost everything I had...house, car, job, friends etc) I wasn't able to handle all those transitions we go through in a day when we have these things.
You sound smack dab in the middle of them, and my guess is that the changes from transition to transition that we go through interacting with each family member, people at the job (drivers on the way!), neighbors, friends, pets (?) etc. are wearing you OUT!
I liked the suggestion that bb2023 made about finding some space and surrounding it with things YOU love. I think that everyone needs their own personal space to go to rest & relax. A 'happy place' of sorts or a 'safe place'.
I now live in the 'ghetto' of my small town in a subsidized apt where there is a lot of drugs, fighting, guns etc. I get a 5th of what I used to make when I worked through social security now and can't even afford to by a nice coffee. And, being alone so much is very lonely. Not exactly the best place to end up.
Finding some place in the house to claim for yourself may be very helpful. (maybe a place to meditate & play soothing music like Native American Flute and include earplugs and those sleep eye cover things or an alter of sorts, etc.)
What about a mind-dulling hobby? Crochet, knit, beads? I found that VERY useful. Just take 15 mins to yourself at least and relax.
Of course, I have found this site very useful lately as well. Stay with us here too!

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by Kathleen83

Funny thing noticed.....as I've been around here. Generally speaking....I found myself ignoring this place on bad days. Not that unusual for me, I guess, as when I am feeling *that* way....I tend to close up, close in, and try to isolate myself.....to keep from inflicting my bad mood on others. Rages aren't acceptable....bad moods aren't permitted....not allowed to show anger....all carry overs from forever....not socially acceptable....pretend pretend pretend....and when I can't pretend anymore....hide.....run away until it's over.

As always....when I'm alone....I'm calm. But, I'm married. I work. I can't just hole up and hide for whatever period of time I think I might need, to get by. And despite my best intentions...despite my best efforts....it seems like it takes less and less to set me off....and I mean set me off BIG time. I'm back to punching and kicking things.....walls....whatever....anything non-human. Haven't done THAT in years....and now I'm doing it more and more. Keeps me from physically attacking those my rage might be directed at, at any given moment. I *know* my rage is out of proportion to what I am feeling, experiencing. Even if someone truly IS doing something to piss me off....the AMOUNT of pissed off I get is....way too huge. So, to keep from attacking....*them*.....I attack walls, inanimate objects. The pain and blood helps bring me back down to something resembling rationality. "Stop that! That doesn't help anything!" Wrong. It does.

These rages scare me. The desire to give into them scares me even more.

Do you have a therapist who can help you to feel better?
My rages are often about my own frustrations. My frustration that I can't control things that are not controllable, frustration about feeling taken advantage of, unloved, unworthy, and more.
It is in my therapy relationship that I learn more about myself and how my way of relating to others works or doesn't. How frustration comes when I feel I have no say (not the same as control) in a situation, or when I'm unable to find words to put to my experiences. It has changed my work life a lot. I still isolate socially and I want to change that.

I too have calming hobbies such as stitching, knitting, crocheting.

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

My rages are often about my own frustrations. My frustration that I can't control things that are not controllable, frustration about feeling taken advantage of, unloved, unworthy, and more.

This really spoke to me. My problem big time. And once the rage gets unleashed, I've just got an even BIGGER problem to deal with!

[Kathleen83]

Hi, all. Thanks for the responses. I appreciate the advice and suggestions, and just the willingness to listen. I'll just do a group response, as I did want to respond to a lot of y'alls points. Over the years, I have kept journals,...sporadically. Sometimes it does help me, to write it all out. Other times, not so much. Which goes right into - frustrations, and their causing the anger. Yup - Echoes - a lot of my current anger comes from exactly what you wrote about! Right now, especially. Frustrated with my marriage, at work, life in general. Feeling like I'm not being taken seriously, not being supported, not able to control any of the stuff that is a big trigger for me right now. Oh yeah....definite frustration! The journals help me to see if something is just bugging me right now...or if it's something that keeps popping up, and is perhaps something I should deal with head on. I also use some mind-numbing hobbies (love that I'm not the only one who terms it that way!) - reading, computer games, crocheting, macrame. When I'm just "angry" and not full blown enraged, those, and music too (big time music lover) helps me calm down, get centered, find some peace. I do go for walks to calm down, and have a couple of places in the house, actually, where I can block out the outside world, and just relax. All these things help....when I"m angry. And so I use them. And I calm down. And I feel at peace. And I resolve to not let things get to the point of making me explode, again. And then I go back out into the world, and explode. From calm to infuriated in 1.5 seconds. Or so it seems.

Sigh. Married 9 years, to a man who used to shower affection upon me....now won't hold my hand, won't hug me, nothing. Says he only USED to do that sort of thing because he knew I was coming out of a bad relationship...and "needed" it then, but shouldn't need it now that we've been together so long - quit being so "needy". Yeah. Doesn't matter how much I try to explain that I DO need at least SOME affection sometime..... and especially on bad days. For this, and many other reasons, I've decided divorce is my only option left.....not that he wants one. He is happy in the marriage....except for my needing so much attention. But divorce has to wait until I'm financially able to support myself....which my current job does NOT lend itself to.

So I went back to college, to retrain for the a different "hot" field. Excelled. Earned 4 different certifications, 2 national level ones. (Hey, I was motivated!) Got nothing. Which I expected, in the area I was at, geographically. A really hard-hit area, economically. But I had a plan for that - which fell apart when my car fell apart. 4 mechanics, 4 diagnoses on what was wrong, 4 estimates, none remotely close to each other. No money to replace the car (yet)....dependent on hubby's car. Which he's more than happy to lend me.....to get groceries, run errands, go back and forth to work.

There's lots more to my personal saga....but I don't even want to type it. Things aren't totally black. Yeah, life knocked me down a bit (again). Yeah, I had a few set backs. But my basic plan was good, I still think. Get financially independent, get out of dead marriage, move on. So it got delayed due to the lack of a car.....I can deal. Sort of. Most of the time. I AM working. I am saving some money too.....tho it's causing a bit of strain with hubby.....who keeps trying to drain the savings....perhaps to keep me "stuck" with him? Don't know, don't care. I'm savvy enough to keep the savings in a place he can't touch....it's just a matter of me not caving in and letting him have it. If I can just keep myself from doing something stupid when these explosions happen.....I know I'll get there someday. I'll be at a point where I can get my own car again....and tuck some more savings away....to help me move somewhere where I have a better chance at finding a job that will better enable me to support myself. If I can just manage to hold on, and not get in my own way, and trip myself up!

But oh....the frustration of the delays. I have an iron will power....when I use it. I think I need to start applying it to these rages of mine. Just flat out refuse to lash out. If I can just remember that I don't HAVE to explode, I don't HAVE to self-destruct, that I AM moving forward, slow as it is.....maybe I can get thru this "period" of my life.

I just get so damned tired of it all, sometimes. With no medical insurance, I haven't been to even a regular doc in years, let alone a therapist. But....yeah.....maybe it is time I consider it. A little extra help might not be such a bad thing right now. And, ok, I'll keep an eye out for some anger management classes.

Thanks, all.

[Forgive77]

I stopped raging for the most part when I got on a mood stabilizer. I had to learn to give words to my emotions. I didn't know I was experiencing anxiety when I was. When my anxiety mixed with my anger...BOOM! An episode of Mob wives. LOL When I got words for my emotions...and even figured out what they were it got better. So now when I'm feeling anxious....I just say, "Ya know...this is really making me nervous, and anxious.." Then people tend to stop. A lot of my problems where that I never said anything, or asked people to stop, because I didn't know I was "allowed" to. Now....when someone is getting on my nerves...like my husband this weekend...I kinda made a joke out of it and said, "Who is crazier? The crazy person...or the person starting **** with the crazy person?" Then I smiled. He stopped, and I asked him why he was provoking me. He didn't really have an answer. But normally I'd take the bate, and get nutts. Now....I flip it around, and put it on the other person. With a smile on my face....cause....People around me were really driving me nutts. So now I just ask them..."Now...why did you just say that?" Is that what you really want to say to me?" I do it before I explode, and I do it right away. Is soooo makes people stop in their tracks.

[arientte]

I understand you completely.
My rages have gone from bad to worse to bad and now, that i am getting older and live alone, in my own house, it's bad.
My rages are always followed by intense self hatred and disappointment. I mean, after all, I have a lot of things going for me right? Still in my mind, I don't deserve anything good.
It's a vicious cycle.

Sometimes when I can keep from hurting myself, I break plates. That's not really healthy either though. I'm not sure of the answer. If strong enough, I try and write as well which, as you mentioned- yes, sometimes helps and other times does not. Anything that will keep my mind busy seems to help. but when i'm in those down moments or rages- all i see is red, and the only way i can seem to stop them is to take a pill or to drink as much as possible.

I feel for you. and it's nice to know.. i'm not alone.

[BorderlineBrittany]

When I was a kid my rages were awful! I use to through the chairs on the ground... Kick walls, punch walls bang my head on anything.. The older i got the less they were.. But i still feel like this.. I havent actually acted out on them for a very long time.. I really really want to some times but i cant.. I like to scream.. One thing i wanted to do a couple years ago when things got bad was take a kickboxing class.. i would think this would be a great way to let it out... I havent had time to do it but if you do try something like that!!

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by BorderlineBrittany

One thing i wanted to do a couple years ago when things got bad was take a kickboxing class.. i would think this would be a great way to let it out... I havent had time to do it but if you do try something like that!!

I was going to do this too. Only...that means I can get kicked back So I opted for a security guard. Paid him good money to let me beat up on him. He almost let me...then the cops showed up - OK, not such a good outlet.