[MrGrendel]

im 23, i attempted suicide 3 times about a year and a half ago. this is my first year back in college since then and the first semester went by fine. i put in extra effort and came out with nice grades, 3 b's one 1 c. and another b in the winter session. now in the spring semester i feel as if i cant handle it. i feel stupid. i feel incompetent. i feel as if i dont even deserve to have gotten the chance to be in a university. i feel as if i got here just because the public school system in america is ****** and i did well simply because well luck and a ton of loopholes like teachers pushing you through the system. i feel completely unprepared for college much less life. im starting to feel like i did when i first attempted suicide. i dont think i will actually try to kill myself again but i do feel like maybe i wasnt wrong in trying the first time. im completely isolated, i have 2 friends atm. one of them i keep fighting with over the stupidest crap because im always irritable, constantly , all the time, always, no matter what. i cant get a good nights sleep, i wake up with my entire face hurting from tenseness and teeth grinding and this doesnt help with my irritability "lol" and it feels like i slept for 5 minutes and i have the most horrible dreams. i dont know where all this is headed. ive noticed alot of people in this forum are much older than me and id like to ask how old where you guys when you where diagnosed. also what can i expect from here. will i get better? im not on any medication atm, im scared to death of it because when i feel the medication is part of what led to me attempting suicide int he first place. also, disclaimer: i know i really just need to get my **** together, im not going to try anything stupid. i really think i just need to vent more than anything and i would very much like to see what people have to say. thank you for listening.

Hi Mr.Grendel

Sorry to hear your struggling atm. You do indeed sound very tired so if your reluctant to go on any anti-pyschotic/mood stabiliser (which is my understanding of what the usual medication is for BPD) then may i suggest you ask your doc for something to help you sleep? it may only need to be temporary so that your body can get back into a sort of pattern if you catch my drift. As for feeling like your unworthy of college - you are most certainly not. Your grades suggest otherwise so i think maybe this irrationality stems from the sleep deprivation? I don't usually get anxiety with my BPD but you might be different. Either way, maybe some counselling would help? Im actually reasonably close to you in age (im a little older) and when i went to university i didn't manage my illness nearly as well as i should and as a result i dropped out and missed a wonderful oppertunity to make friends, have fun and ultimately get a good job. Don't let this happen to you ~ you deserve better. Good luck.

[MrGrendel]

thnx. im ina support group that meets once a week. thats all im doing at the moment as far as treatment. i havent had much luck with meds in the past i was on seroquel for a bit, and a couple of mood stabilizers like you said but what ultimately helped was ECT. at this time i was being treated primarily for depression not BPD but it ended up helping in a very broad way, apart from my depression seeming to dissipate i had less anxiety and seemed to have a more stable mood. until i came back to school and now that the stress is on it gets a bit intense on some days and ive been noticing a return of my more symptoms like the black and white thinking etc. im still skeptical of meds but il try to see about something to help me sleep. ive learned through that sleep is very important in keeping me sane