[shezbut]

I don't know who I am. I feel like an empty shell. Some people are allowed closer to me than others. Though no one sees who I really am ~ and that includes me!

My girls...they're what i live for. They're all that I have. Though my ex has primary custody of them. They feel very close to Daddy, and not much emotion at all towards me. I can't blame them. I've been in the hospital many times. I feel as though I try so hard to be a "good mommy", but I freaking suck at it!

No, I'm not posting to get pats on the back, hugs, or "you can do it". I just feel lost. I wish that I was strong and could handle letting my guard down, but it's been up for so many years, I don't know how to let it down! Even though I try hard to be a "good person", I just can't seem to satisfy that desire within no matter what I do.

I feel so doomed to live a pointless life.

Hi Shezbut

Im sorry you feel this way. You probably already know this but people with BPD do generally have real problems with identity and detatchment. I always say ive been at least 13 different people in my life lol I don't really have any other advice for you but i wanted you to know someone cares and that your not alone in feeling this way. Are you currently in any sort of treatment? If so does you psych know of your symptoms? Whats their opinion? Good luck and keep posting - we're all ears.

[Girl_Interrupted]

The title of the thread = me.

Whenever I look in the mirror, it looks like it's something inside the mirror, that it's not a reflection of me. It doesn't feel like it's me. When I look down at my body and see my body there, it feels like nothing should be there. I should be invisible.

I don't have a gender, whereas this time last year I felt like both genders.

Who am I?

[shezbut]

hi bb,

I do see a T pretty regularly. We haven't talked about this part for a long time. Always seems to be other menial topics of discussion. I guess that I ought to write this down, so I don't forget.

Thanks for you response.

[Rose76]

Oh Shez,

I'm not going to patronize you. I am going to take great exception to much of what you say. None of us is as good a person as we would like to be . . . that is, unless we set our standards pretty low. You have been very encouraging to me and I see you as a person with a generous heart.

I can't speak to the issue of your intra-family dynamics, since I don't know about them. I do know that family dynamics are notoriously prone to change. Try and let the future unfold with a bit less anxiety on your part. The future may unfold in a way that may surprise you. Feeling "doomed" doesn't make it so. Just like feeling you're probably going to win the million dollar lottery doesn't make that so.

If you think you can envision what the future will be, then I'm afraid you are a bit deluded. When we believe we have an accurate vision of what is to come, we are just about guaranteed to have life show us different. Disappointments will come, for sure . . . but so will unexpected good fortune. That is simply a statistical fact.