[ChaoticSymphony]

I think I realized why I feel like I don't fit in as much as everyone else here. I will just go to say some of my symptoms and would love to hear your thoughts on it if you have the time. I do have thoughts of dying but no plan of ever doing it as well as no plan. Just fleeting thoughts when triggered. I have had 2 relationships in my life, both 6 years and over. While they weren't always stable there was mutual love on both ends. I do have a very black and white expectation of others, you treat me well and I will treat you well, I have to be provoked from others I care about in order for me to go off on them otherwise I am very mellow and just love to laugh and joke around. Provocation would be yelling at me, not following through with what you say you will do, being lazy or *****y...so I understand these are my expectations but on the other hand don't involve me in your ******** if you don't want to hear it. I do have rapid emotions but the variance is only between happy and angry, all the negative feelings go under angry whilst all the positive feelings fall under happy. Anything else is just a numb.

So that being said I am wondering what your thoughts are on c-ptsd, a traumatic childhood that caused ptsd?? I believe I did suffer from bpd and still do have some of the learned behaviours/thought processes ingrained in my brain and now is a matter of re-learning, fine I will do that lol. But I still can't shake the victimness (I know, not a word) that I feel about certain subjects that are unfortunately a big part of today;s world for me as well as many others.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by ChaoticSymphony

I do have rapid emotions but the variance is only between happy and angry, all the negative feelings go under angry whilst all the positive feelings fall under happy. Anything else is just a numb.

In addition to learning wrongly and having to undo that later, we don't learn the "right stuff" in the first place! It does not sound like you have learned much about emotions, the range of them and how to express them.

My T had me think about "humiliation" one week between sessions and, that week I was humiliated :-) The next week she had me think about "dissapointment" and, almost instantly, I was disappointed. I worked with those actual emotions and learned what they are and how they work, etc.

Anger is not a negative feeling; it's a very helpful feeling that lets us know where we think we are in danger or being hurt or taken advantage of. We can check it out and advocate for ourselves and work out misunderstandings with the other person or decide how to act on our own behalf, what to, literally, "do" to solve the problem (a boss with more education standing in our way; we decide to go back to school so we can be our own boss or do what we want instead of have to be subservient to someone we don't respect).

I would work with your therapist, if you have one, and learn about various emotions and how they feel, work, what they are "for" and how they can help us be more balanced or move ahead; think of them as oars on a long-boat; the more you have, the faster you can go and better you can maneuver; or as balance; the more you have the better you balance and the easier it is to stay centered, instead of doing wild back-and-forth swings between just two, happy and angry.

[Forgive77]

I agree with Perna. I didn't even know what my emotions were, nor did I have names for them. I was just either happy or angry. Not knowing I also had anxiety, and fear etc.

I like you Chaotic. =) I also feel I've had trouble getting close to people here...some of that comes from feeling old. LOL

[ChaoticSymphony]

lol forgive, your age or mine has never played into the factor for me :P Undoubtedly having these just angry or happy moods is what causes me all this confusion, not knowing how to feel in certain situations even my fight of flight instinct feels screwed up sometimes lol. My question really is do you guys think it is possible to just being going threw a ptsd episode (all the symptoms are there although I have never been officially dx but it also was never brought up either by neither party). Like I really struggle with identifying with bpd at times, I see I have symptoms but they aren't as debilitating as it seems it is with others. I have heard there is a close correlation of the two so do you think it is pretty common that a person with a complex childhood could really be struggling with ptsd vs bpd? And with doing that don't you think the wrong dx could really hurt the patient ie the bad dog syndrome, the helpless nut job, the attention seeking brat. This isn't me trying to get out of this label, but it just doesn't sit right with me given the experiences I have had with pdocs, gp's and coming and trying to learn more here.

[cboxpalace]

Ptsd is a real possibility in my opinion. I think many people with bpd have to some degree ptsd. I base my belief on many of our issues develop in childhood. I still have issues from my childhood that haunt me to this day, and I can see clearly as if it just happened yesterday. So, I certainly think it is possible.

Can you recall certain events that took place in your childhood that you still find particularly troubling now?

[ChaoticSymphony]

Yes tho they are more like images coming back as time goes by vs always remembering and losing my memory. Certain words, smells, anythings trigger a memory. So I wouldn't say I have something particularly troubling me but can easily be triggered now to a unfavourable memory. I guess you would call those repressed memories or forgotten memories, I can't be the judge on all of that. But I will admit that I am taken back for a couple days as the memories arise.

[athena2011]

I have heard of at least one mental health expert recommend that complex PTSD and BPD be considered one and the same. I believe they are the same thing, at least for me that is true. And certainly when anybody (outside of here) asks what I've got, I say Complex-PTSD, if anything at all. On second thought I recall recently telling somebody that I have 'current' PTSD, ie: it is in the present. After thinking about that, I thought, well no wonder nothing's working, I'm still being traumatized. Just now the thought crossed my mind...well of course it is...IT'S CHRONIC! That means that unless it's cured, it's still going on...in the repetitive dysfunctional relationships and dysregulated emotional states that we endure on a daily basis.

[cboxpalace]

Originally Posted by ChaoticSymphony

Yes tho they are more like images coming back as time goes by vs always remembering and losing my memory. Certain words, smells, anythings trigger a memory. So I wouldn't say I have something particularly troubling me but can easily be triggered now to a unfavourable memory. I guess you would call those repressed memories or forgotten memories, I can't be the judge on all of that. But I will admit that I am taken back for a couple days as the memories arise.

If you haven't done so already, I think you should post the above in the ptsd forum to get some more useful insight on this. I do believe what you're describing is ptsd related...