...can it be done?

big ***hole of a question!!

I mean it's gotta be about that mysterious undiscovered place in between the BLACK and the WHITE .....right?

I am only guessing here that for others here it might be just as much a nightmare as it is for me to get close to someone, or even to make an attempt at it..... and both are probably the exact same thing!

....and it must be about more than just liking them right? ...just because they have shown an interest.

this potential close person is gonna have to be pretty damn good at meeting all my complicated needs to actually make it possible for me not to jump between the loving and the hating!

....or do I have to do something else? ...to maintain an already fragile sense of self.....apart from getting through the day pleading for them to get out of my damn head when I am not getting the feedback.

...so far it still seems the only way I can concentrate on my own feeble existence is to despise the one I like.

stuffed if I know?

I don't think I can find the place in between the black and the white all by myself!....and so far no-one else has been able to do it for me?

it's a good thing I'm stupid impatient about getting more patience!

[ECHOES]

Getting acquainted with the space between intimacy and rejection is the most important thing I'm learning in therapy, I think. That includes being able to hold opposing thoughts at the same time (I like this about this person, and I don't like this about this person) as well as learning I don't have to act on my thoughts (today this person is someone I don't like as much as yesterday when I adore them, so I must never have anything to do with them again).

For me it takes a lot of work to see that I am doing it. It happens in and out of therapy, and having this happen in therapy, and not giving up on therapy, and my therapist not giving up on me, has made it possible to learn more about this in me.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm trying to do this very thing atm...
I've ended up comparing us to food, to make it more acceptable to my brain. My thinking is he prefers pasta, so I must obviously be rice,and can't hate him for his preferences...
Not sure how it's working tho, as I've mostly been stuffing the feelings I don't want. Sorry, idk if my post wasn't valid.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I'm trying to do this very thing atm...
I've ended up comparing us to food, to make it more acceptable to my brain. My thinking is he prefers pasta, so I must obviously be rice,and can't hate him for his preferences...
Not sure how it's working tho, as I've mostly been stuffing the feelings I don't want. Sorry, idk if my post wasn't valid.

I'm not real sure whats valid or not lately?.....but I like it Trippin

[Trippin2.0]

glad you do

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

....or do I have to do something else? ...to maintain an already fragile sense of self.....apart from getting through the day pleading for them to get out of my damn head when I am not getting the feedback.

Walking the same road with you monkey. Including the attempt to do something different this time. Flipping between black and white all through dinner. Wondering if the 'black' is valid or am I being too judgmental? It strikes me that if we can be so harshly critical of ourselves, we probably do it to others too. I had a good time. I think. I don't know, all the flipping back and forth made my head spin, I was overwhelmed by the end. Then goodbye..I'm just no good at it..that requires one to know what one wants. And having some indication of what the other person is feeling. So...I'm just telling myself to relax, take it easy, treat it as practice in becoming human, trying to apply what I've learned in therapy, from reading, from my friends here. This is not make or break time. Just enjoy another's company, be myself, allow them to have some black and white bits and be OK with it. Take things slowly. Be friends first. I heard a great saying the other day: "Love is friendship on fire". What I like about it is it stops me from being so impulsive. But it allows a friendship to grow into something more if it is meant to.

[BorderlineBrittany]

Your post nearly made me come to tears.. It's like you nailed it right on the head on how my life is right now..

[summeryoga]

J, don't you see your amazing progress in even asking this question? In even making the attempt with this person? In wanting to see the shades of grey? Give yourself a moment's worth of kudos for all of that.

(And I like Athena's advice ... Ease into it.)

Giant hugs, my friend.

Originally Posted by summeryoga

J, don't you see your amazing progress in even asking this question? In even making the attempt with this person? In wanting to see the shades of grey? Give yourself a moment's worth of kudos for all of that.

(And I like Athena's advice ... Ease into it.)

Giant hugs, my friend.

...well I do now A,....i do see that it's good that I am asking the question, and thankyou for showing me this.

I guess I am at this question asking phase of my mental life!

...the thing I find difficult, despite it being a 'kudos' giving marvel....

is that while I am looking for the answers, I am not allowing myself to get the relief that 'acting out' will give me. and acting out does come so very natural to me.....

so....buried up to my eyeballs in invisible agony, I clumsily get through the day with negative crap eating holes in my glowing hot and stunted brain stem!

....and all logic and rational thought rots away in the bubbling acid bath that is my borderline imagination!

....making my toes curl like mangled swamp roots causing a death scream contortion on my freezeframe face!

my horror story head shatters from the inside gouging chunks of skull with rejected white matter intent on escaping the diabolical mess that is my complicated shape!

...OH MY GOD!!....I want to taste the grey colour....pleeeeease

in the meantime I reckon I will keep goin' solo for a while....nuther 150 years shouldn't hurt!