[justme1111]

Hi everybody!

I decided to write here to get an opinion from a different point of view.

I think I have (at least) traits of BPD. I have rapid swings of mood and when I don't have very intense mood I feel bored or just empty. (I don't want to sound as I want to diagnose myself through.)

I have only one friend and half of the time I think she is spending her time with me only because she loves torturing me with her comments. (She openly jokes about how crazy I am...)
I don't feel comfortable around people and it is getting worse and worse. I had a panic attack in the school last September and I will get in the same situation the next month. I am starting to freaking out because of it.
But the biggest problem (I think) is my unstable self-image. I don't know who I am, what I want... When I am with somebody I seem to take their opinion as my own. I can't tell what is my real opinion any more.

But the reason why I write is because I go to psychologist because of my nervousness around people and I would like to tell her around my other problems too but I can't open up (to anyone).
My parents and my friend don't know about any of my problems (except my shyness). Every time I am supposed to talk about my emotions I start to cry.
I was determined to tell my psychologist about my problems on Wednesday but since then I have changed my mind 4 times and every time I am totally sure about what I am going to do... just to change it a half day later.
My psychologist thinks I have depression (even through she's called it, a period of sad and unhappy emotion that happens to some people without a reason) and when I am with her everything what she says is so true and clear but after day or two I feel worse than before and all she said is just a crap that is not helping. When I am thinking about slowly leading conversation to theses problems I feel like I would be manipulating her and feel like she would hate me for that...
I am very confused. I have come to conclusion that I would like to have something what would help me to define myself. Even if it was a mental problem.

So my question is: Any idea what would be good to do? Or any way to open up a little without crying and sobbing all the time? I would be grateful for any idea.

Thanks for your time and I am sorry if it is too long

PS: I apologize for my English. I know it is not exactly great but I am trying to improve it.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

I would just walk into the next session and before hse has an opportunity to led the conversation say, "I have something that concerns me and I would like you to give me your observations." And then just tell her.
If you cry, then you cry. She is a psychologist. She will be OK with you crying. I cry in most of my therapy visits.
I actually think of my therapist as a calmer rational version of me, at least when she is with me. I look at my visits to her as "my time". Of course she is not me, but a separate person with her own life and concerns. But for that hour a week, my therapist's function is to be my advocate. She is there to look out for my best. She is there to point out benefits and perspectives that might help me.

Because of this perspective, I do not have any trouble telling her what I need her to know. Now some things, I still can not talk about, but I can not discuss these things with me or her. I just avoid the subjects. Once I can be comfortable talking about them with me, I will be able to talk to her about them too.

Hope this helps.

[sweepy62]

i been in therapy for 1 yr and my t she is great she knows i have problems opening up so when i get stuck she asks me questions, so u should tell her u have problems opening up if she would help u

[Towanda]

A couple of suggestions if you have problems getting started with your T.

One, do you have email privileges with her? Sometimes its easier to put what you want to say in an email. Then she'll have an idea ahead of time of what you want to talk about.

Or, can you write it down on paper and read it to her? This way you don't have to look directly at her and say it. I do this sometimes with my T when I have something really difficult to say. Makes it easier somehow.

Hope this helps - good luck

[justme1111]

Thanks for your replies

I think that I could try write it down or just tell her I have problems with opening up that would probably make it much more easy.

MDDBPDPTSD, it is an interesting idea to think about your therapist that way. I mostly think that she doesn't care anyway... That is probably not very helpful...

[chilli]

I think writing it down is the only way to go until ur more at ease and are comfortable opening up. I have used this idea many times and it works well. Good luck

[shipping]

WRITE! As others have suggested. You could even not read it out loud but give it to her and ask her to read it silently while you sit there and freak out wondering "did she get to that part yet?" I'm not being flippant; this is what I often do.