....it seems to be what happens to me and all the effort I put into keeping things together only make it happen....make me lose my mind., am I fighting something bigger than me like an illness or something? and it might sound stupid but it sure appears dumb of me to ignore it but hey it's not like I was born to expect problems and to be at the centre of them all!
my last trip to hospital was even worse than the one before ....I keep thinking I don't need to renew my ambulance cover but I keep needing the damn thing.

anyway enough of the misery it's a part of my experience...it occurred to me shackled and drugged up with the oxygen mask that there was or must have been too much going on and what the hell triggers me anyway?...it's time to find out if I am going to survive this crazy life!....

and thats what I want right?....in order to do this I have to slow everything right the (swearing) down! slow it down....and let nothing stop me and this is hard it means I have to kill my heart for a while or it will kill me because I have been a victim of my emotions forever....well my forever anyway.

somehow I have got to (swearing) find a way to validate myself my existence my experience my memories of me are so vague they are like a ghosts visions and mirrors reflecting nothingness and breathing in but not breathing out I cast no shadow and my clothes don't fit.

my thoughts all of them bounce back at me without thinking and where do they want to go? I don't know

I am sick of losing my mind

I don't know what else to write

[pegasus]

(((((((( dubblem )))))))) I've been wondering about you and I was concerned that you hadn't been around. I'm sorry things are so rough right now but thanks for writing and please keep writing. Love that duck as well...

[ChaoticSymphony]

Monkey man!!!!!! I missed you!!!! I couldn't read your post but I just wanted to say I've been thinking of you. Worried but glad you are here.

[athena2011]

J, welcome back to the land of the (kind of) living. Sorry your head's giving you so much trouble still. Slow it down...find the trigger...sounds like good advice to me.

[summeryoga]

Love the brilliant poetry here, James.
But hate that you have so much pain.

[Trippin2.0]

Monkeyman! Über-glad to see you post! I can't for the life of me understand why I only see this thread now I was really worried about you J, welcome back you're on the right track, slow down and identify triggers. You might want to add obtain/use flashlight, so you could spot the triggers a bit easier. It could be therapy, research, soul searching, introspection... Whatever type of flashlight suites you best. I wish you the best on this journey

[AKA0000]

Hey James Monkey,
Reading you, first time realized what actually it is ... the pain and the agony ... my wife would also be suffering like you ... Read a lot on net - but couldn't learn how to help her out ... don't know what to change in myself ...

[cboxpalace]

I think the follow up thread should be titled..... "But..... My Mind is Really Sick of Reality"

or

Do something really weird like i would... "Really sick of losing my mind.... but.. what's on TV?"

Contact me and we'll brainstorm.......

ok........

[pegasus]

[OctobersBlackRose]

Thank you dubblemonkey that is really all I can say other than I completely relate

[roads]

my thoughts all of them bounce back at me without thinking and where do they want to go? I don't know

I don't either, James, and I worried so where you had gone. I am so glad you're back with us!

Please do work on figuring this all out.
slow down
validate
unshackle
reflect something
breathe out & in
and for heavens' goodness sake
stop buying clothes off the rack
they will never fit the likeness of you.

Roadie