I've suffered from bpd all my life but was not diagnosed until recently. I am 47 man and have always been single. I just always thought I was a difficult person. My father is severely psychopathic due to a physical deformity at birth. He was a very angry person most of his adult life and he took his frustrations and anger out against his three children exclusively. I received the worst treatment since I was the first son. My father never took his anger out against my mother because he had her in his complete control. She was of the last generations of women that were told to "stand by your man" no matter what, and keep your mouth shut. I've managed on my own up until now but find myself unemployable and have filed for SSD. I need financial help until the SSA's decision is made but my father has no concern for me because he never liked me and is not capable of empathy, as psychopathic traits don't allow for it. My mom passed away five years ago so she cannot be a force for me as in the past. It has been determined that my father's abusive treatment in my childhood lead to my bpd. He has lots of money that he and my mom earned during their careers that he will never use. He has always used money as a control device. He never buys anything for his own benefit because he has no hobbies or interests, etc. He has offered help recently because he knows he needs to "appear" as being helpful, but the strings attached are unacceptable and I know he isn't sincere about giving the assistance anyway. So, you can imagine my rage in light of the fact that he is the prime cause of my disorder in the first place. And he refuses to even educate himself on bpd and accept my behaviors as the result of a disorder because doing so would place him as the guilty party. If I am not granted SSD for whatever reason, I have no choice but to end my life, as I am no longer capable of supporting myself. Could there possibly be a bpd sufferer out there who is more "screwed" than I am?

[Girl_Interrupted]

No-one is more screwed than the next person. We are all battling the same mental illness, we've all had our traumas and our negative life-experiences.

I think it's invalidating when you try to compare how bad your life was, compared to someone else with BPD, who may have had an easier life.

Not everyone with BPD had a traumatic lifestyle. It can also come about from our 'wants' as a child, not being met. Some of us might have been a bit more demanding as children, and that was our personality, but because we felt neglected and abandoned because of those reasons, BPD can also develop in that way, so it's actually not always a parents fault or some other abuser.

No one single person with BPD has a worse life than the next. It's not a competition to see who is more crazy

[amy90]

I am so sorry that you are in an impossible financial situation. However, I don't think that ending your life is the answer. I really hope that you get the SSD and then maybe you can get your life back on track again.

[Miss Jade]

I'd agree that it's not helpful (for anyone) to compare struggles/trauma. Trauma is trauma, and is always bad. Plus there does not have to be trauma in somebodies life to develop BPD. It's just a high percentage DOES have trauma in their life. But the person with BPD without those experiences still struggle.

But anyway, it's obvious you're in a bad place. I can't sit here and tell you not to end your life. As I'd be a hypocrite - I get into the same place sometimes. And if somebody is really determined to end it, there's nothing anyone can do. But I will say, I hope you don't. There must be other options out there other than the SSD. Could you go to your doctors, tell them you're suicidal? How about a crisis team, or some kind of helpline? These things don't always help us, I KNOW. But it's worth a shot maybe?

Hope to see you keep posting.

[OctobersBlackRose]

Even though I am much younger than you and didn't have as rough of a childhood, I can still understand; you have a very tough situation at hand, please don't think endind your life is the answer, there are outreach programs out there and even if SSD doesn't come through, appeal it. unfortionatly it is a tough even rigged system, my Mom has a heart condition and can't work, but she has been denied twice and it irks me that happens. Point is keep fighting for what you need/want. I hope all goes well for you