yeah i'm over reacting and blah blah blah i don't care. TRIGGER

so if no one reads or responds thats fine i don't care. i just needed to vent.

things are spinning out of control. i am not coping. but no one fuming cares. my professional supports. i told you that i am slipping and i am trying to stop and i can't and if i don't stop i will die. i will end my life. no i'm not there yet. but i'm ****ing close. but that's cool son't listen for me asking for support. just wait until i try something then you stop me and tell me i should have asked for help and told someone. well you know what i am telling you. i am telling you over and over. what else do you want?

so okay psychs won't listen. maybe a friend who i have supported over and over and over will support me, just needed her to listen. hah. how stupid can i be? that "friendship" is always one sided. i actually said i need support. nope. you are more important. omg i'm going to kill myself because i have a cast on my ankle and i can't play netball amnd i can't live without netball. hang on. we've been friends 2 years and NEVER once have you played netball in that time. why is it so important now? oh and go ahead write about how you're worried about boundary issues with your outreach worker. and when it's suggested you talk to her about it. you say no. why because you like feeling special because you get more of her time. what are you trying to prove? that everyone goes out of their way for you? either accept the advice or don't even post. nd sending me messages eluding that your going to kill yourself or that you did something and had to go to ED. honestly i don't want to hear it. i have supported you so much and i have spent nights worried about you because you say something and then you don't answer or text or anything. i can't do that right now.

how the **** am i meant to stop myself falling and falling. i can't.

tomorrow it's one last chance. i'll give it one last shot.

otherwise i will fall. i will let myself fall. i have tried and tired and tired. but i can't. people get mad saying i should talk to them and not do something dangerous. well i have tried and no one listens.

they are all back. the man is back, he's not as clear this time but i know it's him. touching me. staring at me. playing tricks moving things. the voices try to tell me it's okay.

but i can't tell anyone. they won't believe me.

If you need supportive friends, you have to give other people a chance to get close to you/interact with you in the first place. If you don't, no one can try to help you make it, and you're stuck with people like netball girl who won't be there when you need them, and certainly won't ever make you their priority.

yesterday i said 'i dont know if i can fight anymore' - today i have had the best day for a while - maybe tomorrow will be better? sorry if that sounds trite but sometimes 'tomorrow' is what keeps me going

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pulling for you.

I cannot be here all the time, but I will think of you safe right now.

I relate to your feelings.

Billi