Trust Issues and Asking for Affection

Marie67 · Jun 09, 2012 at 02:35 PM

What do you do when you want to ask for a hug from someone but you absolutely can't stand the idea of someone hugging you just to be nice or out of a sense of obligation? I know I'm making this way harder than it needs to be, but I can't stand the idea of someone hugging me if they don't really want to. Recently my two teens (major suppliers of hugs) moved away, at least temporarily, and the one remaining teen who rents a room here but mostly lives elsewhere now doesn't hug me anymore when I see him. Only I think I was the one mostly hugging him, which was clearly fine with him -- but now I can't.

OctobersBlackRose · Jun 10, 2012 at 09:37 AM

I can relate, but I have a dislike of being touched, I only give physical affection on my own terms, some people demand hugs from me but they are ones I have a high sense of respect for. I will do the european kiss thing with only trused family members. But I can relate idk if it has to to with bpd or individual experience though.

shezbut · Jun 11, 2012 at 10:21 PM

Marie67,

I have a very difficult time with both showing and accepting affection. It doesn't matter who the person is ~ I am simply uncomfortable. I do push myself to give my daughters hugs and tell them that I love them (but I know that it's never enough). I also try to be more openly affectionate with my boyfriend, it's a challenge.

Strange part is that I miss the emotional bond, the comfort that sometimes comes with hugs or holding hands. But I'm too scared to give into that desire.

BrokenNBeautiful · Jun 11, 2012 at 10:28 PM

I feel similarly.

I want them, but I feel so guilty about it.

I feel so untouchable myself.

Billi

Marie67 · Jun 12, 2012 at 09:13 PM

Thank you everybody for your thoughts. I did finally just announce that I missed hugs, and I got one.

I guess part of me always feels like if I have to ask... and anyway my inner child hates, hates to ask for anything because we're not supposed to want anything for ourselves. My adult self sees the flaw in the logic of "be there for me but don't you dare expect me to be there for you." My child self still doesn't get it. But hey, it's probably safe to say it here: I adore hugs. I absolutely thrive on that kind of physical contact. And I really appreciate that people who don't feel that way still supported me. I promise not to sneak up and hug you. You guys are awesome!!!

Marie67 · Jun 12, 2012 at 09:18 PM

P.S. -- Billi -- I'm sorry, I think my last post missed your boat. If you mean you like hugs but feel like you don't deserve them, then I say, yes, you do! Everyone deserves a hug and here you are posting thoughtfully, being a good friend to the community -- of course you deserve hugs! If you don't like them, though, you have a right to refuse them, too. Am I making sense? I'm a firm believer both in hugs and in boundaries. Okay, I haven't always been so good at boundaries, but I do believe in them. May I?

Marie67 · Jun 12, 2012 at 09:29 PM

For Shez: I think touch is extremely tricky for borderlines. For me, it can trigger obsessing and getting lost in a fantasy, depending on the source. That's why it was so great to have nearly grown kids around. It's a lot safer for me than dating. Not that I don't want a partner -- but my judgement has proven somewhat faulty.

BrokenNBeautiful · Jun 13, 2012 at 12:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marie67

P.S. -- Billi -- I'm sorry, I think my last post missed your boat. If you mean you like hugs but feel like you don't deserve them, then I say, yes, you do! Everyone deserves a hug and here you are posting thoughtfully, being a good friend to the community -- of course you deserve hugs! If you don't like them, though, you have a right to refuse them, too. Am I making sense? I'm a firm believer both in hugs and in boundaries. Okay, I haven't always been so good at boundaries, but I do believe in them. May I?

Oh, okay. I like hugs. I guess esp when a man hugs me I get scared they might want to cop a feel, even online (lol). I don't like to be in the circle after an AA meeting, during prayer, not because of the prayer, but because I've been copped there YUCK. I don't mind them here so much. Usually here they're good hugs, not icky ones.

And it's usually about feeling untouchable, too. And feeling like I am good only for one thing, too. I am trying to program myself to know that it's okay to want love, and the kind that is not romantic.

Billi

Marie67 · 10:40 PM

Ah, I recently read a comment about narcissists sexualizing affection. I was married to a narcissist for a long time, and yeah, I got to where I couldn't stand for him to touch me because it meant one thing, and it was NOT affection. Getting felt up at a support group, wow. I'd be pretty twitchy. It's not fair, is it? You deserve to feel good about yourself. I am cheering you on! Go, Billi, go Billi! Here's a hug with lots of space: ((( Billi ))) so you feel safe.

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BrokenNBeautiful Mental Wellness Mensch Member Since Apr 2009 Location: I live with myself. Because that is all I can depend on. Everthing around me changes. Posts: 3,439 14 1,457 hugs given	Jun 11, 2012 at 10:28 PM #4 I feel similarly. I want them, but I feel so guilty about it. I feel so untouchable myself. Billi __________________ The idea of a soul mate is an ILLUSION. In reality, we must learn to be our own best friend/partner. Then if love comes to us, we will already be whole. All that love can do, at that point, is enhance our wholeness!
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Marie67 Member Member Since Mar 2010 Location: Georgia Posts: 47 14	Jun 12, 2012 at 09:29 PM #7 For Shez: I think touch is extremely tricky for borderlines. For me, it can trigger obsessing and getting lost in a fantasy, depending on the source. That's why it was so great to have nearly grown kids around. It's a lot safer for me than dating. Not that I don't want a partner -- but my judgement has proven somewhat faulty.
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