So I was thinking this weekend about the different roles we take on in our lives, why we take on those roles, what do we do when we find ourselves in a role we don't like/want/accept? etc.

Sometimes I feel like I'm playing out a script. I'm "the girlfriend", "the flirt" or "the little girl". Sometimes I play the role of "the smart one" but I have one friend with whom I'm in the role of the "not-so-smart" one. I say I play these roles out with people because I do. It's like they decide I'm X, so I play out X, even if I'm not. It's usually because there is a little of that characteristic in me, even if it's not pre-dominant, and I think maybe I play out the role because I see it as a way to grease the wheels of social interaction. (Sure, I can be who you expect me to be!).

It's a question I've thought about a lot off and on throughout my life but now since my T brought up this BPD stuff I suddenly remembered the part about instability of identity and wondered if this is what they mean.

Thing is, I don't think I really am any of the roles. I'm aware that they are roles I'm playing out and that's not the real me. That's why I feel like I can only really be ME when I'm alone.

I also think, from a philosophical point of view, that socially I AM what others think I am. That's how human society works. If there were no other people out there I couldn't have any identity at all since identity is a way of distinguishing the self from others.

I can see how a therapist would take this to mean that I'm unstable in my identity but does that mean it's true?

[Girl_Interrupted]

Kind of. It's about us not knowing who we are. Different kind of 'personalities'. Uncertainty about goals, not knowing our emotions, possible sexuality confusion, or even gender confusion, that kind of thing.

[ChaoticSymphony]

I hate text book definitions about who we are. I think we all have to kinda adjust to who "we are" with certain types of ppl all the time. I asked ppl without this pd and every response was yes they "act" different with different ppl. I mean you hang out with your boss one lunch hour, you don't brag about winning beer pong over the weekend. You discuss light sh*& and mind your p's and q's. You are with a friend you always laugh with then you let your hair down and tell fart jokes or whatever is the funny topic that day. We aren't the only chameleons out there we just wear the label with the chameleon in the list of other odd stuff we do. Do you think that pdocs don't go home and bone their wives/husbands or are they just that straight faced monotone everyday all day type of ppl??

[MDDBPDPTSD]

great thread. so much to say. not a good time to talk (type) right now. ty 4 this.

@Chaotic yeah, I know what you mean. I guess I mean that I feel like it goes a bit beyond that. I sorta brought it up with my DBT therapist today... but I didn't quite phrase it as a question and so I didn't quite get an answer, just a "yes, i can see how that's frustrating". It's something I'll probably continue to mull over for awhile.

[athena2011]

I think we all (BPD and non) act a little differently around different people. I've heard of tall people trying to stand so they are shorter around short people. I start to take on a French accent when I speak to a French person who has an accent (and the person I told does that too!). I speak faster around fast paced people and slower around slow paced people. I am happier around happy people and more depressed around depressed people. Our energy affects who we are with and vice versa.

But I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like a chameleon. I think perhaps Borderline sufferers notice this tendency (to act like the one we're with) more because they are hypervigilant about their interactions with others as they try to pick up on problems that may be possible relationship killers.

[cboxpalace]

In some regards what you're talking about is life... Everyone is going to act to some extent in different ways depending on who they are around. You'll interact with your best friend in different ways you would with your neighbor.

To me identity disturbance is taking the characteristics that you like in someone and trying to make them your own. When that wears off you find someone new to mimic or maybe you just keep adding on certain qualities.

[ECHOES]

That's why I feel like I can only really be ME when I'm alone.

Do you know why this is? Is is safer to be the real you when no one is around? What are the risks of being the real you when you are not alone? These are good things to wonder!

Originally Posted by athena2011

But I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like a chameleon. I think perhaps Borderline sufferers notice this tendency (to act like the one we're with) more because they are hypervigilant about their interactions with others as they try to pick up on problems that may be possible relationship killers.

i really cant thank you enough for this xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

@ECHOES I think it's like athena said when I'm with others I want to be who they want me to be for the sake of the relationship. So it comes down to me being desperately lonely I guess? I don't feel like I'm being fake with others, just that I'm being a different person.

I've seen BPD referred to as the 'as if' personality, and I did a bit of research on Winnicott's idea of the 'false self'... as I understand it: as a child you learn to adapt to please your caregivers, parents, because you depend on them. Most kids - with 'good enough' parenting, learn to challenge, push boundaries etc as they grow up and become more independent.. confident to be their true selves. In 'healthy' people, the 'false self' is the 'polite, mannered front', but in cases of personality disorder, the person has continued to try to adapt to what others want of them or what they think they should be.. and so the 'true self' doesn't fully develop or grow, leaving the person feeling like they don't really know who they are or have a good sense of 'self', as they've been fulfilling a series of roles, mimicking others, trying to make themselves fit... the person might not even realise this. I was in therapy for around 8 months when my therapist one day talked about trust, and how she'd look forward to meeting the 'real' me. I'd been adapting to roles so long I had no idea that's what I was doing. In therapy I was trying to be the 'ideal client' I suppose - a nice polite girl, behaving as I thought I should - talking, answering her questions.. I told her what I thought she wanted or needed to hear, but I didn't emotionally engage. When my T smiled at me, I'd just automatically smile back - no matter how depressed I was. I don't think I was really 'connecting' for a long time. I'd not really let T in, to see beyond the compliant construct.. but it's all I knew.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by Lillylillie

@ECHOES I think it's like athena said when I'm with others I want to be who they want me to be for the sake of the relationship. So it comes down to me being desperately lonely I guess? I don't feel like I'm being fake with others, just that I'm being a different person.

So what would happen to the relationship if you could be who you want to be, if you could be the person you are when you are alone? Is it a relationship if one person gets to be who they are, and the other person doesn't?

@ECHOES I can't answer that question but I wanted you to know I saw it.

[Marie67]

I think it's not so much about behaving differently around different people as about letting who you are get subsumed. So, say, you love to dance but your husband doesn't, you stop dancing. He likes sci-fi, so the only movies you go see are sci-fi. You're so busy belonging that you might as well become the other person. That's not what non-BPD's generally do.

ive been being other people for so long now that im not sure if the things i like are cos i like them or cos i have learnt to from someone else who liked them so that they liked me

im not even sure i understand that sentence!

[Marie67]

made perfect sense to me, frogslegs. I've stayed single since my divorce several years ago and am slowly rediscovering what I like -- even things I gave up when I was little, like drawing, because I wasn't "good enough." Now I'm sick of being single, but I'm pretty sure I'd fall straight back into old, bad habits if I got involved again. Like picking some guy who gave me just the right smile... never mind if he turned out to be an abusive narcissist later. Being single seems to be the only way to figure out who I am, but the conversation gets a little repetitive.

cant believe you said that marie67 - just today i got paper and pencils out and decided to start drawing again - reminding myself that it doesnt matter what i draw or how good it is - it only matters that i draw! i LOVED it, really loved it - why on earth did i ever stop....it makes me feel so calm :-)

[Marie67]

Yes! I started drawing mainly to distract myself from some triggers taking place in my home. It's such a delightful way to play and you forget everything else. Yay you!

[NYCDoglvr]

This is completely normal, all people do this. You're different with your children than with your boss (if not you wouldn't be employable), On a date I may be flirty but never with a close friend. It's simply being human.

[OctobersBlackRose]

I tend to mimic others a lot, even in a way a social group im in speaks it is just natural for me, no one really knows the true me even me. What i do know is what I like and don't like and am very opinionated, but only with thoese I am comfortably with will I stand my ground. My anxiety fear of being rejected and disliked makes social situations and finding friends hard. Do I feel fake? that depends on who Im with and thie situation Im in, Im still confused about who Iam and turning into, but it makes for an interesting ride along the way.

[FacingChains]

Originally Posted by _frogslegs_

ive been being other people for so long now that im not sure if the things i like are cos i like them or cos i have learnt to from someone else who liked them so that they liked me

im not even sure i understand that sentence!

I understand exactly what you mean and I think I am lost forever and it makes me absolutely crazy . I am lost somewhere between "the space of the step one takes into the mirror and the space they do not step into outside". I think it is called insanity. I try not to think about it because it makes me feel horrible and completely beserk. I have been needing to say that to someone who might understand for a long time. I hope you know what I mean. i may have said it in a metaphorical way that is a little confusing...think of it in terms of alice in wonderland and her stepping into the looking glass.... I mean we can all relate to her falling down the rabbit hole...does anything ever really make sense to us? or is it them? When I think of this it makes me just want to slip into the blackness..I hate the feeling of not know what is up or down, me or them...it is so unfair. -FacingChains

facingchains

what im finding is that we all have different ways of expressing how 'alone' we feel - i think it feels different in subtle ways for every one of us - when i got diagnosed even, the pnurse i spoke to said a few things about bpd that i couldnt relate to at all - it was only in the days afterwards i would have moments of realisation about what she was refering too

for example, she said that i must feel as if all my 'buttons' are exposed - i had no idea what she meant at the time but afterwardsi realised that she meant the feeling i get when i fly of the handle or run away from ppl/situations cos it all feels 'too much'

the longer i hang around this board the more i have realised that i really do have all the 'symptoms' of BPD - im just beginning to identify what they mean for me and recognise them in myself

sorry, bit deep, thats my mood today!
x

[Perna]

We have to act differently around different people because they're different people. But there should be a congruence in how we act such that all the different people can recognize us in whatever role; kind of like how you can see "yourself" in a picture from when you are 5 as well as one from when you are 50 (something about the eyes :-)

[jenluv]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Do you know why this is? Is is safer to be the real you when no one is around? What are the risks of being the real you when you are not alone? These are good things to wonder!

Echoes -- what fantastic questions!! They really made me think.

I enjoy being alone. If I trigger myself I only have myself to annoy. If I'm feeling particularly goofy and childlike then I can amuse myself without judgement from another person. The risk of being yourself with others is, of course, that they will literally or metaphorically point their finger at you, laugh or berate you, and skidaddle. I may be "too much" for myself sometimes, but I often feel "too much" for others. So yeah -- it's safer to be the "real me" (whoever that is -- working on it) when no one else is around. Unfortunately, I'm not the nicest person to myself a lot of the time.