[cboxpalace]

This is more an observation that I've had over the past coulple of days.

In 1993, I began creative writing shortly after I was released from the hospital (1st time). Looking back the writing is absolute ****, but I have an appreciation for it, because of the emotions that it held.

In 1994, I continued writing but made an attempt to keep my writing more light hearted and not so intense (or negative), and I was successful with that. Not much had changed from 1993. I was still in a lot of therapy groups, meds, and had to take another medical leave in June of 1995. I'm quite fond of what I wrote during the '94 time period.

I really hadn't looked at any of this in years, and this weekend I've been working at putting all this stuff on my computer. There were no computers in the 90's, lol. What I wrote in 1993 is still emotionally charged for me (I still think it's ****), and I can discuss much of what was going on at the time. While I'm fond of what I wrote in 1994, I don't have much to say about it now, other than it's good and I like it.

It makes me think there is some sort of disconnect with faking emotions. I wrote what I felt in 1993, and can remember the circumstances quite well, and I deliberately tried to write the opposite of what I felt in 1994, and I don't have as much recollection during that period of time.

I'm not exactly sure what this means, other than "putting on a happy smile" or faking how you really feel, or acting positve when you don't feel that way, may not be the best thing. I don't know.

Anywas, questions are welcome.. It might help me formulate a better opinion of these thoughts.

Like I said, this is just an observation..

i too have recently found stuff i'd written in the 90's - i find it very uncomfortable as i was SO unaware of my self and my emotions - i feel like most of what i felt back then was fake - not deliberatly so, just through lack of understanding of myself

reading it makes me wish i could go back and give the little me a great big hug!

[FacingChains]

Hi cbox and frogslegs,

I have tried and tried to make my hundreds or thousands of journals into somesort of story, but the story is so uncomfortable. It always sends me into a tailspin, which is really upsetting because there is a lot of good material in there and my life has been prettyi nteresting and Ive lived in some wild and crazy places and lifestyles and some fun and funny things have happened, so it is too bad. I hope the writing works out for you. I wish I could go back and give me a lot of hugs too. It is so sad.

[Lavoco]

I think since our real self and real emotions are actually real, they have an easier time being recalled, also emotions are connected to to the hippocampus which is involved in making memories. I don't know about anyone else, but when I try to fake an emotion I'm almost on autopilot, my real mind is in another place and I'm simply mimicking the other 'happy' people around me, you know, smile when they smile, nod when they nod, laugh when they laugh. People say it's easier to be around me like that, but i'm not really there, I'm like a puppet.