i feel stupid for posting.. i don't really come on here much any more.. but i really need some support.

this week is my Ts last week. i'm not dealing with it very well because i hate change and also have seen my new T a bit and don't like her.

i've been trying so hard to use my DBT skills and i have been talking and being really open and honest with my T. but i feel like i've lost it today.

yesterday i had an emergency appt with my pdoc because the psychosis is really bad at the moment and it's scaring me. i'm currently not on any meds, since i stopped taking them about 8 months ago. i have been up and down since then and been offered meds but said no. yesterday my pdoc said that she and my T think that meds for the psychosis combined with DBT might be more help than just DBT because the psychosis makes it really hard to use the DBT skills.

my family is completely against me going back on meds. as in they will throw them away if they find them. talking about it with them will result in them saying i can't see my pdoc (and anyone else who agrees). i am 20 so i don't have to do what they say but i live with family because i'm not stable enough to live without them.

my pdoc knows all this and she said i could talk to both my new T and my old T today because i had a joint appt with them and then they could let her know and she'd organise a script if i decided to take them. she also talked about a new diagnosis of schizophrenia which is scaring me heaps.

at 8.30am this morning my old T called me and said that she had to cancel our appt today because she's hurt her back and can't move. she said she's hoping that she will be back at work tomorrow. we made another joint appt for friday(her last day) and we also have a appt just me and her thursday so we can finish up and say goodbye and stuff.

now i guess that seems like it'll be fine. except i'm freaking out.

i'm so scared that she won't be back at work for our appts. i know that backs can take a while to heal and also she's pregnant (thats why she's leaving) so i'm scared that will make it harder for her back to get better.

rationally i know that she will come back to work for one final appt if she can even if it's next week or something. but i can't stop thinking what if she doesn't?

also it's already over a week since i saw her and i felt like i really needed to talk to her, especially about the meds.

i'm going away in a bit over a week and i need to be feeling more stable. i will be at my mums and that always causes stress because we fight. i'm scared that if i'm not feeling more stable by then that i will try something.

and what if my old T isn't able to get back to work until i'm away? i'm going interstate and i can't cancel.

i know this is getting really long sorry. i'm just feeling really out of control. the voices are making things worse and then the man he keeps touching me and just won't leave me alone. grounding skills are doing nothing.

i was thinking maybe meds might help and i'd deal with my family but then they said something last night and now i think whats the point? they won't listen and won't change their mind.

i went into the centre today and went to one of the groups as a distraction and i was shaking the whole time and had no idea what was going on because i couldn't hear over the voices.

i know i need something. i can feel myself falling. and i'm trying so hard to stop it.

i don't know what to do. i have no idea when i'll be able to talk to my T and i'm not able to use skills right now because they aren't working. i keep trying but it's doing nothing.

i'm not sure what i want from this.. any advice or support or anything..

thank you

quiet one you are so immaculate ...!

your expression is like genius

I have nothing to give you ...to solve...if I could I would be ok too

but I am not...I survive ...i survive I survive alone and I have to accept myself.....

I don't know what support is but I guess it's just someone reading what you share and getting a feeling about it and what I feel is that you are exceptional emotionally over-gifted...hypersensitive and vulnerable and its gonna be ok

someone better than me can direct you if thats what you want but if you just want a soul to say "yep I get it"

then thats what I'm here for

[tryingtobeme]

((((((((((thequietone)))))))) Sorry I wish I had some advice for you. Not feeling great myself today. Just wanted you to know that I read your post and I'm thinking about you. I hope it all works out for you. Feel free to PM if you need to just talk or write things out.

Thankyou

[BrokenNBeautiful]

It's good to see you again on here.

Sounds like a hard time.

I really hope you can find a way to take meds without them being thrown away. With schizophrenia, you can't control the voices except with meds. A few rare cases, it can be controlled or ignored, but very rarely. I hope you can take those meds. They will help with those hallucinations.

Also, being diagnosed with yet another condition, esp something like this. Sounds like an added trauma? So sorry to hear.

I am pulling for you and hoping that you will be guided to the right things.

Peace and healing,

Billi

Thanks.

I'm see my new T Monday and my pdoc July 17th.

I'll just see what happens.

[Trippin2.0]

TQO, I just wanted to send you a big and let you know you're in my thoughts. I hope you, together your T and pdoc can figure out the best solution, I know how scary voices can get

Crashing crashing crashing. It doesn't stop.

They keep lying saying things will get better. You've won again, you're right, they don't get better.

Worse than i've done in a while.

But everything's slipping from my grip, nothing matters anymore and what does won't soon. But there's no way out.

You are all with me. She comforts me, makes me safer. But only her. The rest is torment. You don't leave me alone. Why can't I have my own thoughts? Why can't I just be me? .... But who is me? Who am I?