[mirieri]

Hi there, I'm new to the forums! I'll just give a little background before jumping to the problem.

I have been diagnosed with BPD. It's something I wasn't happy about hearing at first, seeing as the stigma surrounding the disorder isn't such a nice one. But at the same time it was a relief to finally hear a proper diagnoses after years of failed sessions with mental healthcare professionals for my "severe depression".

I have been seeing professionals off and on for about 10 years now, and never ever been happy with the treatment or processes. I tend to have a lot of anxiety stemming from extremely judgmental therapists from my past, mostly my childhood. I have had very bad experiences with my therapists to the point where it usually comes down to them calling in to check on me, and me not being able to handle myself on the phone.

This most recently resulted in a very unwanted trip to the ER, where I once again felt mistreated, controlled, and misunderstood. I have never once volunteered to go to the ER on my own, only ever forced into it with 72-hour holds. This has left an incredibly sour taste in my mouth for the healthcare field as a whole.

I have extreme anxiety when going to the doctor, of any kind. This has recently caused a lot of trouble with my OBGYN. I am currently pregnant, and she is concerned for my mental well being in relation to the baby. I must look like a complete lunatic in her office because whenever I go there I usually just breakdown because I cannot handle the overwhelming fear, anxiety, and hatred of healthcare professionals due to my never ever having a good of helpful experience. She now believes me to be "severely depressed and suicidal" despite my never having mentioned either of those conditions to her. I have not told her about my BPD either, for fear of being judged.

She continually harasses me to seek professional help for the sake of my baby, but I just can't and I don't know what to do. Even the thought of going to another psychiatrist gives me a meltdown. I am worried because I fear this is affecting my baby in an extremely harmful way. I know I need help, but honestly it makes me want to vomit I hate it so much. I believe I am at the point of being severely depressed because I just don't know what to do.

How can I get over my view of healthcare professionals being "evil" and "distrustful"? I am not on any medications, and I refuse to take anti-depressants on the basis of my own silly BPD crazies and mistrust of psychiatrists. I feel very hopeless at this point, and I am contemplating finding a new OBGYN (for the third time this pregnancy) because I don't want to face the shame of her yelling at me again for not seeking help.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I feel very sad as I read this.

I relate very strongly.

I am not going to tell you to go either way.

I just relate.

I think we have to be ready to trust just a little bit and I can't right now either.

I have had bad experiences too, so very many of them that I have come to a similar conclusion about therapists.

On an intellectual level, I realize there are good ones, but I have not had enough good experiences and from 2009 to the present, my experiences have been bad.

This is a real conflict, I agree.

I wish I could get help, too. But I am not ready either and there is no help here for bpd that I can afford, even.

thanks for letting me know I am not the only one. Even if I do not wish this on anyone!

Billi

[here today]

So sorry you are having difficulties. I haven’t had BPD but I’ve had PDNOS and DDNOS and had trouble find a therapist who could help me for years.

Maybe folks don’t think we have any “empathy” but do therapists have any “empathy” for what it’s like to be us? NO!!!! They don’t function like we do and they do not understand!!! They try, some more than others.

Nevertheless, I’m currently making some progress in therapy and probably going to stick with it. HOWEVER, two years ago, after yet another therapeutic failure I made an appointment for a consultation with the very best, most well-known expert in my area. I can’t tell you how afraid and unworthy I felt walking into that appointment. But I did it. She couldn’t take me on but she did refer me to someone else who is very good and very well-trained.

Somehow I think enough of us have to get “well” so that we can tell people what works and thus help fix the system so others can get well, and more quickly, too.

But for right now, you have to think of yourself and your baby. Do you have much social support? Maybe you can find an in-person support group in addition to PsychCentral?

Is there anything that you can think of that we can do to help? It sounds like you’ve got a lot of stress going on, to say the least.

[shezbut]

(((mirieri)))

I can understand how you're feeling, to an extent.

You're pregnant. Full of chemicals and strong emotions, that's normal. The unfortunate and sad part is that you've never developed any trust or faith in the medical system.

I grew up in many different doctors offices, and they feel generally safe to me. I have had bad relationships with some doctors and nurses, but I tend to turn my emotions inwards ~ which reinforces my self-hate. I am still able to reason that I need to see Dr. Z once/year, like it or not. In my first pregnancy, I did switch OB's, because mine was a real jerk & I just couldn't go on with him! My second OB was terrific, and I stuck with her for my second child too.

As you can see, there are a variety of factors that affect your pregnancy experience. Personally, I would be very hesitant to switch OB's in the last trimester though. While your current OB may seem mean to you, perhaps that's due to her lack of knowing you. You may need to open up (just a little) and share that you haven't had very positive experiences with doctors in the past. As a result, you're afraid that she's misunderstanding your tension and think that you should be locked up or something!

Reassure your OB that you are concerned about the health of your baby as well, and you can list the positive things that you do. Like: go for frequent walks, eat and drink healthy foods & drinks, listen to relaxing music and breathe deeply, gentle stretch exercises, read magazines for advice, etc.

You don't need to be on medicine to help you through your anxiety and depression (in my humble opinion). I think that you just need to talk with someone who'll lend a sympathetic and safe ear. Go to a local clinic to talk with a social worker about your emotions. Just talking can help a lot! There, you'll have the freedom of being able to express your emotions, without fear of being locked up and drugged. Letting these feelings out in the open is what brings a sense of relief.

Please ~ give these ideas a try. Very best wishes to you!

[NYCDoglvr]

I learned a technique that helps me get through things I'd rather avoid. "Act as if...."
I've acted as if I have no fear, act as if I trust, act as if I feel confident. Or visualize stepping into someone else's head. Because you must get help for your child's sake and must get help for BPD. I've also learned that "Feelings aren't facts" Just because I feel fear doesn't mean I'm being threatened. And because I hate doctors doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them.

[mirieri]

Thank you all so much for your replies. It's nice to know I'm not the only one that gets anxious at the doctor/therapist/wherever! I think a part of the problem might be that my partner usually comes with me to my appointments and I feel like I can't really talk one on one with my OBGYN because well... he's a man! I know he wants to be apart of the process and learn as much as he can, but it's a little awkward. I appreciate his support in all this, but I might need to fly solo for a little bit.

He suggested that perhaps I write out a statement beforehand to give to professionals, something along the lines of "Hello I have extreme anxiety when it comes to healthcare, please be patient with me, I promise I'm not always like this wacky crying woman you see in front of you". I've always found it easier to describe my feelings in writing rather than speaking, so I think I may give it a try.

Something about it being like writing to myself, and I understand and will listen to myself. Like if someone had never met me or was unfamiliar with my disorder, as if speaking to a child. Sorry for the weird rambling...

@Billi - I apologize if this upset you, perhaps I should have put a trigger warning. Nevertheless thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I can imagine how difficult it must be for you, and I hope that we can both figure something our eventually.

@Here - My partner is really pushing for the psychiatrist the OB recommended, and I want to trust his opinion on this. But he is also pushing for my to go on meds, to which I oppose. But my mother is so anti-psychiatrist it's her personal mission in life to discredit them! She is into self-empowerment and new age-y medicine so I guess I appreciate that she believes I can kick this on my own.

@Shezbut - Thank you for all the positive reinforcement! I know its a good idea to maintain a relationship with this OB, she's really been the only one I've liked so far. I know part of my problem is that I immediately try to run away and escape once it starts going sour and I can't do it again.

@NYC - Yes I see what you mean. Just because I'm getting so emotional does not by any means mean that is an appropriate response to the situation. I feel like I may be judging her unfairly based on some real lousy doctors from the past. Perhaps I should start the next appointment as if we were meeting for the first time again, and let bygones be bygones.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

[quote=mirieri;2480882]

@Billi - I apologize if this upset you, perhaps I should have put a trigger warning. Nevertheless thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I can imagine how difficult it must be for you, and I hope that we can both figure something our eventually.

[quote]

No need to apologize. I hope I did not upset you with my own post.

Billi