Hating everything you do or say....

Does anyone else do this? I feel like I over-analyze every single thing I do and how I do it. I hate the way I speak, I hate the way I write, I hate the way I gesture. I look at other people as, I guess, inspiration and think, "how would they speak?"
Sometimes I think I am coming off too nice or needy or desperate and think, I need to tone it down a bit, but then I worry I am coming off too cold or distant. It's a constant struggle.
I noticed the other day at an interview (have been job interviewing) that I nod constantly "yes" and I noticed it made me seem way too eager.

I've been struggling with who I "am" the past couple of years. Ive moved to a new country and have struggled expressing myself. Ive had trouble making friends and at times become very isolated.
I find myself to be less interesting than before, I find myself to be less intelligent, I feel like I never have anything good to say. You would think living in another country would make me an interesting person but it seems to have the opposite effect.

Much love to you all

I do tend to that quite a bit, analyze how I am talking, my body language and when I feel i've screwed it up (too eager, too angry, too cold) I get flustered and really start messing up. I have a long running dialogue with myself that increases my anxiety through the roof.

You are definitely not the only one

Happy yet sad to see there are others that do this

I think this also goes hand in hand with thinking that everyone is judging me. It's awful! I remember, at one time, when I used to genuinely not care what others thought of me. I loved who I was, didn't care how I dressed, didn't mind that I would say silly things. I didn't care because I knew I was a great person.
I think that now, I dont think im a great person and I dont love myself anymore. Im not sure how to get back to that point.

I DO this, YES! This is definitely something I do. I know that one of the symptoms of BPD is that we have a poor sense of SELF and/or identity. We will take on traits and values of others we relate to. I am constantly 'redefining' myself. Oh, bob is so interesting and funny and smart, I better act like bob , I will be also interesting and funny and smart.

The thing is, I AM HERE. I AM ME! I am autonomous. It's my PERCEPTION of me that is shifting, not the real me.

I relate completely to what you're saying gettingby. It's hard, just remember that you are interesting and intelligent. You do have things that are interesting to say and write! You are lovable! For me, I have the same thoughts about myself, but I have to remind myself that I DO EXIST, it is my perception of myself that is unhealthy, that's all.

What I do is write down things that I KNOW are true about myself right NOW. (I don't worry about what I'll feel tomorrow). You can do it too if you want, tell us more about yourself! (You can do it here or in a journal or on a piece of paper and rip it up and throw it away) Don't feel you have to do it, I'm just relating my experience.

For instance, right now I know that I am a person who is working on myself toward health. I'm a musician who plays guitar. I'm an artist. I love hiking and rainy days, I like to play in the dirt and garden. I feel like a little kid when I'm outside. I love reading books about almost anything. Apples are my favorite fruit. I love to make people laugh. I love to help others.

These are a few things; so tell us about yourself if you want to! I'm sure you'll find you are far more interesting than you give yourself credit for. We have to be SO gentle on ourselves in this healing process. I am sending positive thoughts your way.

What a beautiful response, thank you.

I guess thats the thing, I KNOW I am interesting (and have been told im this, and funny, and unique all the time), I guess that I think more and more that people are not seeing that or are judging me. Because I'm conscious of every little thing I do, it just makes me so anxious and frustrated that I cant just "be". I miss the days when I didn't care or didnt notice it. Oh how true the saying, "ignorance is bliss" is!

Love what you wrote, you and I enjoy many of the same things. Lets see, here goes, this is what is true about me right now.

I enjoy learning, I read all the time about evolotion, genes, microbiology, psychology, etc. Science has always been one of my core interests. I enjoy anything antique; houses, furniture, churches. I am currently a great single housewife (although i start a new job next week), I cook amazing things, love cleaning and decorating and tending to my garden. Tea time is my favorite meal of the day. I miss hiking and being in the woods more than anything. Im working on getting to know this city better by myself (I struggle to do new things solo). And there's so much more to me, of course!

gettingby , you sound like a pretty cool person to me! I also enjoy many things you're into, science and architecture of old churches and buildings, herb teas and going out into the woods.

I can understand , I remember when I was around 14 or 15 (I'm 26 now) I never cared what people thought about me, I would just do what I wanted. Now I feel that the 'not caring what people think' is just a facade, because I guess I sometimes don't know what I even think. I am so obsessed with people judging me. I always remind myself that this is my disorder talking, NOT THE REAL ME.

The real you is so interesting! I know how hard it is. What's good is that I've always heard that people with BPD are highly intelligent and creative. We've got that going for us at least, hahaha!

So just out of curiosity I was browsing around the net about 'identity', it helps me to look at it a bit (this is from about.com so i'm not sure if it has reputable sources but hey):

"People with BPD often report that they have no idea who they are or what they believe in. Sometimes people with BPD report that they simply feel “non-existent.” Others even report that they are almost like a chameleon in terms of identity; they change who they are depending on their circumstances and what they think others want from them.

For example, you might find yourself being the “life of the party” at social events, but having a somber and serious demeanor at work functions. Of course, everyone changes their behavior to some degree in different contexts, but in BPD this shift is much more profound; many people with BPD report that in addition to behavior, their thoughts and feelings change to match the current situation.

Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., who founded dialectical behavior therapy, believes you develop identity by observing your own emotions, thoughts, and feelings, in addition to others’ reactions to you. If you have BPD and the associated emotional instability, impulsive behavior, and dichotomous thinking, you may have difficulty forming a coherent sense of self because your internal experiences and outward actions are not consistent."

This is me. I think DBT works on this, I've yet to try it out. Reminding myself what I stand for, who I am (writing it down to make it concrete) works for me to hang onto my sense of self. (some days are better than others I guess).

You sound pretty interesting to me, thanks for sharing that about yourself with us.