I feel like I'm completely losing my mind. I feel like I'm completely regressing.

Graduated a year long treatment program 3 weeks ago. I can't find a job. I have almost no money to live off of. My parents want to cut me off anyways.

After hating myself and shoving it away my entire life, I finally came out. I came out to several of my friends. I met an amazing girl. I was SO happy. My therapist that has been with me for the last year in treatment (I now see her at her private practice) said that in my entire time in treatment, she has never seen me so calm and so happy. A few days later the girl ran in to her ex and broke up with me while she was supposed to be on her way to spend the weekend with me. My world feels like it has shattered.

I can't make it in the outside world. I've been getting drunk 3-4 nights a week for the past 3 weeks. Sunday I was so depressed I could barely move from my bed. I went to pride for the day and saw the girl with her ex. I took a klonopin and drank all day. I got home and was paralyzed in my bed for a few hours. I felt crazy. So I got up, made myself another drink, took 3 xanax so I could get high, and self harmed. My friend who knew I was having a rough time came over to try and help. I was begging him to go get some coke or heroin for me. He didn't, which is probably a good thing.

The more the days go on, the more I feel like I'm dead on the inside. I turned a trick on Monday night because I needed money. The man and I made an arrangement to keep getting together. I've gone back on a website I used to use to turn tricks. I have 6 men wanting to see me. I'm waiting to respond until I see my T. Either way, I will probably end up doing it. I'm scum. Who cares that I'm a hooker again. I'm in a NYT article for it.

I went to a strip club last night with friends and I was hammered. One of the dancers, I was watching her. Her eyes were dead. Her eyes were completely dead. And I know that look. It's what I'm becoming. I'm going to have dead eyes just like her.

Hey Aanga,

Let me just tell you that you are not alone. In fact, I relate to some of your story:
I'm a young lesbian (been out for years now) and many of our challenges are extremely difficult. I relate to being hurt terribly by an ex (who cheated), and fell into deep despair and used alcohol and drugs to 'cope' with my pain.
I am a recovering alcoholic who's done enough drugs to bring down a large horse. I understand.

I also feel at times as if I'm regressing too. I feel as if I make great strides and then fall backward ...further than where I've started...

"Her eyes were dead. Her eyes were completely dead. And I know that look. It's what I'm becoming. I'm going to have dead eyes just like her."

This line really resounded with me, and I can feel your resignation to this.

As a fellow sufferer of BPD, I know how hard it is (often) to remain 'functional'. This world is tough enough without adding some horrible, debilitating disorder to what already exists.

But I don't think you are 'scum' ...as people have mentioned here many times before, we are much harder on ourselves than anyone else.

Have you looked at all at some form of financial aid, supplemental food and housing to secure an income to help keep yourself safe?

I want you to know that you are worth it, you are valid and you are lovable. I know it doesn't mean anything coming from some random internet-person. For myself, it doesn't mean much coming from people close to me either, I lack it within myself...I just know that this disorder is determined to kill our spirit and our hope.

It's not 'over' for you Aanga, it feels like it, I know...judging by your post you sound relatively young, this also won't mean much coming from me, but you still have so much time to surpass this moment...it's dark, but you don't have to let your eyes die, you're talking about it aren't you? That's the first step to true honesty and self-love.

Don't give up on yourself just yet.

I can't offer much but to let you know that you're not alone.

[powertools321]

You are NOT scum, you have a mental illness. You are NOT a bad person and there are people who care, I care. Remember this is the BPD talking and trying to run your life, get pissed off, don't let it. The alcohol is a depressant as you know and is only going to keep you in that hole. I'm truly sorry to hear about your relationship, and I feel for you, but damm*t don't let her ruin your life. You need to take care of you starting by not being so hard on yourself as all of us with BPD do. Find some healthy things that you like to do, or used to like to do and do them, no matter how small. You can make it, I believe that those of us with BPD are stronger than "normal" people by far, look at all we deal with on a daily basis. Go back to your basic skills, they work. I care, we care, if you need someone to talk to I'm here.

[Onward2wards]

((((( Aanga ))))) you're dealing with a ton of stuff right now hon.

I love what everyone has said so far, I couldn't have said it better myself. You have friends here who care so much about you.

I had a session with my therapist, and it was hard. Said I have to start making an effort to start using my skills more when things get this hard.

Strat, what you said means a lot. I'm trying to not let my eyes go dead. But it's days like today where I feel like I have no choice in the matter.

T wants me to start going to meetings again and take a break from drinking. That was the plan monday, too. I'd gone to 2 meetings on Monday. Made a whole 24 hours of sobriety and went out again.

There is an inner battle. Part of me wants to keep trying to live. The other part wants to let my eyes die.

[powertools321]

I think we all want to give in to the devil, per se, even though as you put it another part wants to live. Doing the skills when times are tough is definitely tough, you don't feel like it, or you don't have the energy, or any number of excuses I will tell myself, but if I actually use them they work (go figure). You had sobriety for 24hrs., whohoo, you can do it.

[InTheShadows]

Aanga darling,

I know the pain you feel. I have felt it too. The part of you that wants to give in understand the length of the journey before you, the difficulty in facing what you're dealing with, the effort it will take to become whole again. The part that wants to give in is scared. A little girl afraid that if she makes the effort and does become whole, what will happen if she still feels this way, if nobody notices, or if nobody cares. What then?

What then? Then, you stand tall with pride. You will know that what other people think of you is none of your business. You matter to you. That is what this actual journey is all about, finding yourself. Loving yourself. Honoring yourself.

You are not scum. You are surviving. You are doing what you know how to do.

I love you very much. I am here in whatever capacity you need me.

Know that you matter.

Love and huggles,
Shady

[sugahorse1]

Your pain really resonates with me. I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling. You are not alone.