Identity Issues

I am brand spanking new. Hello there! Anyhoo, I was officially diagnosed with BPD about 2 days ago, but my therapists in the past have told me that I show symptoms of BPD, so it wasn't a huge surprise. I'm wondering if anyone has advice about identity issues. My biggest problem (other than perpetual self-destruction) is not knowing who I am, and I often take on other people's problems/characteristics/personality because I don't have a solid identity of my own. Can anyone relate to this?

Welcome to the nuthouse!!

I think what you've described is one of the more difficult aspects of bpd to overcome, if it can be overcome. I say that, because who we are is developed from the time we're born. I wrote something that dealt with this not to long ago, take a look if you like, and don't let the weird title fool yah..

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=244296

I do think dbt could help with taking on people's problems, and their personality.. but I'm lost on how you find your own stable / consistent personality.

Can identify very well. That is why most BPDs have problems with abandonment. We take on a part of a person's identity, and when they leave it is as though part of who we are is leaving with them. It's very difficult to deal with.

It's okay to try things out. You can't "be" someone else, even if you have similar problems, characteristics, personalities that they do. Look at yourself instead of them, see what you like. The book that helped me was Taran Wanderer, part of the Chronicles of Prydain series by Lloyd Alexander. He goes looking for who he is and tries on different roles and identities and figures out when and why they don't fit him. One of my favorite quotes of all time, unrelated to finding one's self is from that book:

"I've heard men complain when they had to do women's work, women complain when they had to do men's work, but I've never heard the work complain about who did it."

I totally relate to the issue with identity. Because of my lack of my own identity, I tend to mold to those around me, depending on who I'm with. I also take on their behaviors, likes, dislikes and such over time becoming one of the "crowd". As I went through school, I have been through phases that changed so drastically that I've been the "stoner", the "jock", the "preppie" (if that term is still used), part of the popular crowd, the "artist" (which is probably the only identity that is consistent), even the "bully". In some ways if I'm being positive, I can say that I've experienced life from many perspectives. Of course I am still left as an unshaped blob in the end again but still..

Welcome to PC... I completely, totally understand exactly what you are talking about.

There was this worksheet I was supposed to do recently for a friend's project and it was to list 20 things under the phrase "Who Am I?" and I could only put "mother" and "daughter" because I have no clue who I am or where I want my life to go! GACK!

Needless to say, I didn't help out that friend very much, lol. Glad you joined, hope to see you around.

"Welcome to the nuthouse!!" Hah, I love it! My favorite are walnuts, how about you? Well radioactivegirl, as you can see you are not alone in this. I used to be in law enforcement and I lived, breathed, was law enforcement. Then I had the job taken away from me after reporting some illegal/immoral behavior of fellow coworkers. When I say I had it taken away I mean the retaliation and harassment that I received got so bad my Dr. told me I could not go back. That was about five years ago and seven hospitalizations ago, and I still have no idea as to what to do now. Sorry that was more than you asked for. But yeah you are definitely not alone.

I relate to identity issues, it's a key trait of having BPD...Much of the time I don't know 'who' I am.
Let's look at identity for a second:
"Identity may be defined as the distinctive characteristic belonging to any given individual...The term comes from the French word identité, which finds its linguistic roots in the Latin noun identitas, -tatis, itself a derivation of the Latin adjective idem meaning "the same." Weinreich gives the definition "A person's identity is defined as the totality of one's self-construal, in which how one construes oneself in the present expresses the continuity between how one construes oneself as one was in the past and how one construes oneself as one aspires to be in the future.''

Okay, so I've found that with my BPD, it's not that I don't have an identity, it's that my PERCEPTION of my identity is lacking. So if identity is defined as characteristics that remain sound and consistent across the board and in all situations, we can maybe find some relief in writing down what we know to be true and consistent about ourselves.

For instance, although my physical characteristics may change (ie. I may dress and look different at work vs. home) and some of my demeanor changes (ie. I may talk a certain way at work and exude confidence as opposed to a more casual attitude at home) parts of me don't change. I know there are parts of me (as there are parts of everyone) that can't be modelled after another person or an idealization. My values, for example. I know in my heart what I feel to be true and important, this remains consistent always (ie. if I know kindness to be good above all else, that value doesn't sway depending on who I'm with). Also, my interests: I know I like to play guitar, make art, read...this is part of my identity. Other parts of my identity: my gender, my orientation, my ethnicity, my culture, my religious or political beliefs...general characteristics. Although we may be the confident mediator around coworkers, the skateboarding relaxed girl around friends, and the sarcastic comedian around family, I think we all do these levels of 'shifting' whether we have mental illness or not.

So what do you know to be true about yourself? Something that is defined by only you?

At least looking at these things helps me to realize it is mere perception rather than fact. My identity is there, it's the view of myself that changes.

Me too. Very difficult.

I still don't know who I am either.

I am getting a little bit of an idea, from doing a lot of self help.

But when it comes down to it, "am I okay??" or "what kind of person am I really?"

When others tell me what they think of me, I still wonder if they are just saying stuff. And I still believe it when I am told something not so good about myself.

But who do I think I am? I still don't know yet.

I was diagnosed in 2001.

Welcome.

thanks,

Carol

Yeah, I'm in no way out of the woods on this one. I do know however it's my perception...so it's really not that we don't 'exist' you know? We exist we just don't think we do. We do get to find out who we are though, so that's kind of cool. Sometimes I worry there is nothing there, too...

I'm going to be straightforard on this; I feel you. I have no idea who I am or what I'm doing with my life. Here's to hope.