[Opfwilllive]

Hey all.
I'm probably the millionth teenager stating my "problem"
I'm actually kind of sad because I'm scared that the reality is that I'm normal and I'm too weak to stand up to my emo pain.
Lately in past months, I have gotten to a state where I feel empty emotionally, like nothing.
I remember when I was smaller, I used to be happy all the time, I used to be able to cope with sadness and things were simpler.
I have no freinds, and I don't wish to have any freinds (in order to avoid the difficulties with maintaning a healthy emo relationship)
I can't talk to my parents because my mom is a ***** when it comes to talking about therapy and my dad keeps on downplaying it saying "things like this happen to everyone, this is normal".

I went to therapy twice, the therapist diagnosed me with depression and suggested I join a peer group to talk things out. I do often feel down but I don't think I'm just depressed.
The other therapist I went to told me I was normal, and that things like this happen to teenagers alot.
I got very upset after that but my school counceler suggested I see him again so he could get a better understanding of me.

They both asked me about my family, and even though my situation is upsetting I don't feel as if that's the main problem in my life.

I think I have some sort of mental problem (I also "thought" I had adhd or whatever, I'm trying not to become my diagnosis or whatever)
I just want to be diagnosed so I can be helped. I don't feel as if I can trust anyone really, but I do want someone to thoroughly persuade me that they have my best intrest at heart.
I am not lookin, for pills or anything but I feel as if I do have real problems.
Saying this makes me sad.

Ok here goes.
I have had phases where I would like to "fit in" with people. This has pretty much happened my entire life until last year.
I kind of just gave up. I didn't want to be fake or kid myself. I felt as if I was transparent and I wanted to become myself, without any influence from others.
This kind of worked until a few months ago.
There's too many events to list them all, but here's a key one to get an understanding of where I'm comming from.
There was this guy I used to date (for like 3 months, then I got tired of him)
I actually gave him another chance because we kind of really clicked and I gave him a chance (and this was my first serious relationship)
Well It was really good. Until the end. I was just too suspicious of him, I was always worried if he was gonna cheat on me nd it got to a point where I was confronting him with no evidence. Either way he still told me he loved me nd whatever, but by that time, I wanted nothing to do with him. I actually began to hate him, I was a control freak, and I could not tell what he was saying was truth or lies.
It got too hard to deal with the emo pain, so I ended it.
He could not understand my emotions and he kept on asking why (and he still is -_- so annoy)
So that's like the first big thing, the next things are...
I feel as if my teachers secretly dislike me, even my favorite teacher. There has been no up front evidence of that. I feel as If I overthink things and I also think I don't think enough about things. I like to read peoples faces after they talk to me to see any "proof" of my suspicions.
Even my birds seem to dislike me...
I feel as if people on the train look at me with bad intentions.
(my parents say I lack common sense)
I am too suspicious of peoples truthfulness. I feel as if many people have to lie to me to get through their job, area ect.
I feel as if I can't be comfortable with these people for fear of being backstabbed.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm inferior, I'm too shallow and people can read me easily, and that makes me sad. And sometimes I feel as if I'm too harsh or hard ***. Well actually people do tell me that.
Its just very difficult for me because when I do try to be polite and nice, its just exausting. And afterall that, I'm genuinly unintrested in these people. I want nothing to do with them.
I want to be "myself", but I'm kind of scared of what concequences I would face in doing so.

My dad sometimes told me that he didn't want a daughter who would be snobbish or fresh or a ****.
I usually was sweet, but I can see that is not very genuine, and I may be tht daughter he doesn't want to have.

This brings me up to college. And what I feel as if my real dilemma is.
I am planning to go to a very good art school, I feel as I love art so very much, even though my fine art intrest may wane from time to time, there are enough art areas to keep me happy.
I want to kind of get the whole college experience cuz it looks fun. And of course my main intrest is in improving my skills and not partying, but I want to enjoy life without being overly suspisious or paranoid with people.
I also want to make sure I'm not to quick to burn bridges, I have missed too many oppourtunities doing so.

I want to keep in good favors with my professors and I want to be able to co-operate with my peers doing collaborations, or gain insight or ect.
I want to not be hated by everyone, or think everyones out to get me or think that everyont hates me.
But its hard, its either they hate me or like me. (not even love me. No one loves me. and if they are they are lying T.T)
I'm just upset that I may miss something due to bad vibes or some other crap. And its been proven to me time and time again that popularity is a major factor that controls your livelyhood. (nd I'm tired of being poor )

Writing this made me happy.
Oh, yea, and I also get super mood changes through-out my school day.
I would get super down not talk to anyone, then be super happy nd stuff in a few hours. Then I would get down agin in the same day. All for no apparent reason. (well sometimes I would be sad/upset about something someone said, but that's rare.) I don't feel as if its serious, but it is irritating.

I also feel as if no one will beleave me or that I'm just seekin unessesarry attetion.

Oh and I feel as if this forum will be a place to help me.
I may only come when I'm upset about something, but at least ill come ;D

[Girl_Interrupted]

Why do you keep using 'emo'?

[Opfwilllive]

Short for emotional, sorry.

[MickeyNaMire]

Originally Posted by Opfwilllive

Short for emotional, sorry.

I'd be careful about using that word, because labelling you emotions with such words can lead to dismissing them. Back when I was in high school, the word was "angsty": every teenager had some some "angst" and being "angsty" was just part of being a teenager. Naturally, I dismissed my feelings of sadness, loneliness and alienation as my just being "angsty" and never sought help until my mid 20's.

That said, I would encourage you to keep track of eating and sleeping habits and your over-all energy level through out the day. Depression is often marked by disurbances is these aspects of your life and these specific symptom appear in the DSM criteria for depression. Sleep and appetite disturbances may also be harder for you counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist to downplay and "being a teenager".

Finally, I wouldn't be too worried about drug therapy. Most anti-depressants (with the exception of stimulants) are not known for their abuse potential, so mental health profession are primarily concerned about not medicating patients who do not need to be medicated. That said, if you do have accute feelings of "being on drugs" when you are taking medication, discuss the immediately with you prescriber.

Hope that helps.

[Girl_Interrupted]

It's a bit offensive using the word 'emo' to be honest...

[Opfwilllive]

sorry, ill be more careful about using the word next time.
thanks mickey, I do have odd eating/ sleeping habits, but I never really thought about that being a cause or symptom of anything.