no-one ever sets out to be such a mess!

why would they? why would I?.. did I?...I don't believe I did...!

had opportunities did I? to accomplish reliable dependency?

something went wrong before I even arrived on the scene grew up way before I should have could have impossible what?....seemed easy for others was impossible for me and still is.

but thats just a bad freaking habit!!...I reckon I can beat this thing.

screw borderline yeah!...

there is nothing within or even without borderline I do not know or understand I will never shed blood for this thing again I am through with it defiant as I was before to let it go I am defiant twice more to leave it behind it has done it's work on me and tough little **** it was bad as a broken *** it was **** gotta keep that thing in check....

forever borderline at heart for-never borderline ever again...it' takes a fight...I'm up for it!

[greyclouds]

I'm waiting for diagnoses, a week Monday, I know I have it, and hoping that's all I have.
But I will fight with you.
I don't want to be this way.
I'm so tired of being scared, crying angry
And every now and then it lets me think I'm happy and I'm normal again. And I convince myself it was just a bad patch!!
And then BANG hits me like a ton of bricks.
I want to hit it back and never see it again.
I don't want my children growing up with me like this, and risk them getting it.
So I am with you in fighting it all the way

'hang in there' the horrible cliche works for others...

BPD ...'do nothing' works for me...

you deserve the time...the freaking chance the opportunity to assimilate to adjust.... to process what is going on..

then when you are ready...yeah then you can SHINE!

only when YOU are ready.

[greyclouds]

I'm ready now to fight it, I never knew what I may have had before.

I just thought I was selfish, demanding, and just didn't give a ****! Why being a complete drama queen. And emotional wreak. Hormonal imbalanced.

When I heard about this disorder I made a list of my life. Relationships, drugs, drink, si, and other things I don't want to upset anyone.
I've had this for a long time.
And now once I get the full diagnoses I want it gone.
I'm 31 now and I don't want to share my life with this illness any more.
I will take what ever pills I have to, take as many therapy classes I can,
I don't never want to kill myself or put myself in that situation.
I will fight it all the way

pills are no good...

it's deeper than the medical world can go

[greyclouds]

I'm scared, really scared. I know as I getting older things are getting worse,
And I'm scared that what if i start to have the worst thoughts?

I si but never wanted to die. I never want to feel that way either.

and don't ever forget the....medical world don't go very deep never deep...thinks it can can't tries foolish makes idiots out of those trying not to be!

so....it's TRUST....!!

you got the idea!

TRUST in ourselves....beaten down invalidated shat on!

...who?...is still here...who?...is still alive?

thats the medicine right there!

Originally Posted by greyclouds

I'm scared, really scared. I know as I getting older things are getting worse,
And I'm scared that what if i start to have the worst thoughts?

I si but never wanted to die. I never want to feel that way either.

yeah me too...started small...little cuts pain ouch nice keep going...!

ummm...borderline is not a halfway experience...

hand hanging off one night oops!

umm...something wrong here??

yes as we age things accumulate..it's obvious..what was bad ten years ago is terrible now and then we got now to add on as well...

every depression is like all the others combined.!

OK...so now what?...we can toss the facts around all day and all night and talk each other into self destruction.....

no good...

....it's time to give permission to survive.!

HUGE step.....first start out small....

No...drugs are not the answer, and most therapies do not have a good hold on it either. DBT and meditation do help but require constant, tireless work. We must fight it from within. The important thing, for all of us, is to embrace the fighting attitude when it comes. Don't let the mercurial emotions destroy it and turn it in to a "there's no way". Fight to the end, regardless of what our minds are telling us.

[greyclouds]

I have always refused meds and are not any at the mo, as I said I would not take anything until you have seen me for me!!

Even in the past I have refused meds it's only when things have been so bad and I couldn't fight it alone.

And I guess I've not helped myself I know the warnings if stopping meds quickly but as soon as I start to feel "normal" I give it a few weeks and come off. As when I start to feel "normal" it's the meds that make me feel ill.

Confusing right? But I know what I mean.

Do you know what tho, I understand that I'm sick and that I will have to fight for my health back,
But the questions that really bugs me more then anything... Is... WHY? HOW? What was the cause?

I have good supportive parents a good child hood.

[greyclouds]

Do you know what caused you to be ill?

Originally Posted by greyclouds

Do you know what caused you to be ill?

no I don't grey...

I sort of don't want to know either kinda thing might not be good for me.

yes I do

I'm just not in the mood to go there I might be soon...I'm sorry...I'm not ...no

[greyclouds]

Don't be sorry, I wouldn't want you to upset yourself,
And it was more kind of a yes no answer.
I was not prying!
But ((hug))

Originally Posted by greyclouds

Do you know what caused you to be ill?

hell of a question ...bring me to my knees..this thing has been killing me for as long as beyond half my damn life I am tired I should know what caused it!?

I was ok I thought I was ok I was doing what I was told but it turned out I was angry really angry like a freaking murderer....a man stole my mum from my dad and f...ucked up my family....thats about it!

there might be some extra crap in there...but it's all the same

there's a shitload of personal dynamics in there you either feel them or you don't ?....after 9 schools already I had no chance making friends...thats why my mum left she was sick of the moving!

too bad my stepdad was a c...t!

fu...k that family ****!....so school sucked and home sucked I went drugs and piss....but too much!

never stopped

the chemicals really damaged me...they really damaged me

[greyclouds]

((Hugs)) I've mixed in all kind of drugs but only for periods.
I'm lucky well I say lucky it's not really I have suffered from panic attacks.
This has what has stopped the drug episodes for me.
Each time si they have I only lasted months or I could be fighting addiction along with the rest of the crap.

But drink is still a issue in my life

We all have our demons we have to face. Every single one of us...or we wouldn't be here. I just wrote most of mine on S4's abandonment thread....once is enough. Don't let the anger, the sadness, the depression get you down. I know it's not easy, near impossible sometimes, but use it to inspire you to keep fighting. To beat this....

thankyou mari