[msjanalyn]

I've had an okay day, I think. I can never really remember from one moment to the next. Is this just unique to me or can anyone else relate to that?

Things are somewhat tense with my husband - in order to "win back" his trust he wants me to think of him - to compliment him - to give him tenderness - to go out of my way for him - to take his needs into account - all of those things. I really, really, really want to but I can't figure out how - I have no idea how to do this so that it will please/appease him.

*I have decorated every part of our home - inside and outside for Christmas. I've been listening to Christmas music and singing and not acting as crabby as I've been through our whole marriage. [My reasoning for this is to show him how much I love him and our life/family and home - and how lucky I really am]. His response: I did it for myself. My response - Um, no, not really since every year of my life I tend to walk around with a noose around my neck or a cyanide capsule in my purse).

*I organized all of my china, crystal, etc. and I'm giving away (to charity) 2 boxes of "stuff" I no longer want. [He made a point last night at dinner that we all need to give to charity before the end of the year]. His response - nothing - not impressed. My response - HEY! I did good darn it and at lease I'm not on the floor crying and screaming for an MRI.

*I've cleaned up the kitchen and basically done all the things that he used to do when I was "sick". [This is my way of showing I care and want him to relax]. His response? nothing. My response - hurt feelings. I worked hard and he didn't even care.

*I don't ask for 5,000,000,000,000 compliments a day, in fact I don't think I've asked for one in about a week. I have caught myself and changed the subject. I have actually complimented him but he doesn't accept them - he doesn't think it's genuine. I don't know how to feel about that - what I tell him is true and I really mean it. But on the other hand when he compliments me I poo poo it and turn it into criticism - could he be trying to prove a point? Like how ridiculous I can be? Or has he "caught" bpd virus from me?

I'm REALLY trying or at least I feel like I am. I'm more engaged, interested, curious, helpful - I wan't to hear about his day. I've been trying to keep the "me, me, me, me, me" thing to a minimum. What if this is the way it's going to be forever? I'm fine being loving and nice to him and doing all that makes him happy even though I'm clueless - but what if he never compliments me again or tells me that he thinks I'm great....I won't like that. I've come to the realization that I need his approval. Actually, I'd like everybody's approval but I'm a realist. I love him so much and I only want to make him happy when I can actually get "out of myself". It reminds me of the line that Bette Midler said in Beaches, "Ok, enough about you, let's talk about me".

My husband has done everything for me, he is a wonderful man, he deserves so much more/better and I thank heaven every day that I am so lucky to have his love. He has given his love to me without any strings attached, he's taken care of me, made sure I was "as happy as I could be", he's one of the reasons that I'm alive BUT WHY can't I do the simplest things for him to make him happy?

I apologize for the rant and the long winded post. Mu hope is that if anyone could suggest something that would b great - this marriage is extremely important to me and I want him to realize it and feel it in his heart.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Ask him what he would like you to do. Maybe even ask him for a list of things, maybe not expecting all of them, but at least that would give you some things to choose from. ell him (again) how much he means to you and how sincere you are in trying to make things better and you feel clueless. Also, tell him that you understand that it might take a while for him to begin to appreciate and trust your sincerity and efforts, but that you are doing your best. You just need to know what he wants. Tell him to be specific.

For example: "I want more acknowledgement." is an OK want for him to put on the list, but if he doesn't trust you very much right now, he is probably not allowing you into his life enough, so that you know what his accomplishments are. if you don't know what they are, you can't acknowledge them or his effort to achieve them.

Some small things you can do: make him a card to tell him WHY you love HIM and be specific, make his favorite food, get rid of that old ??? he complained about last year and just grumbles to himself about now, see if he will go with you to volunteer at a mission or food shelf, find some way to play with him --- maybe xbox or wii or golf or tennis or just tickling.
Write a very long detailed specific letter telling him every thing you like and love about him. Write as many as you can think of and really dig into your memory to find things you like and love about him. These are some example of some very personal things that might or might not apply to your relationship: "I really like the way you smell after you mow the grass in the summer. You are all sweaty and your manly scent mixes with the grass and it is just so nice." " I love your persistence. You always do what you decide you are going to do. I admire that because I understand how hard it can be. I especially appreciate that you persist in taking care of me." "I like the way you put the toilet paper on the holder, always before it runs out and always over, not under." These are just to give you an idea of what i mean. I bet you could come up with so many of them, he would see how much you do love him.
Of course, that does not mean he will trust you immediately, not should he. But if he can just get to the point where he understands you do value him and your relationship, then that will be better.

OK. so much for my advice. I am going back to my pity party. Thanks for giving me a few minutes to get outside of my own misery. Thank yo for allowing me the illusion, even if just for a few minutes, that I might be of help to someone else.

I really do hope that you can work things out and things get better for you.

You have a mistaken belief here that you can do something to "make" someone happy. A person's emotions are their own. You seem to be functioning on the idea that everything you do is to "make" him happy with the ulterior motive that he'll turn around and praise you to "make" you feel better about yourself. It doesn't sound like you are doing these things purely for him; it sounds like you are doing these things really to get a reward from him for doing those things (praise, etc.). I suspect that rings through to him loud and clear and he just feels so clearly that you aren't doing these things purely out of caring for him. It doesn't ring as genuine.

At some point, hopefully you will be able to do things for him because you purely want to without expecting to be rewarded for it, purely out of the kindness and love in your heart. You aren't there yet, and having apparently been burned many times, your husband sees that very clearly.

This is going to take time. It took perhaps years of the "me, me, me" behavior you speak of to put your husband in the position of feeling constantly used and abused; it will take time for him to trust that you can genuinely display affection and behaviors for him without it still being about "me, me, me". It won't happen overnight, but slowly, with genuine caring on your part simply to be caring, without constantly looking for that praise in return, he'll come around. Learning to find ways to "make" yourself feel better about you without needing him to do that for you (which he really has no power to do anyway) is a vital step in this process.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Many of us think we have to read others' minds and do things that we think others want us to do or say things we think others want us to say.

when that does not get the results we want, we end up panicking or feeling even worse about ourselves---and upset with the ppl we are dealing with. (me anyway)

Sounds to me like your husband is not communicating with you specifically what he needs or wants from you. Many of us don't know how to do that, either.

It's not all about you or all about him.

It takes 2 to make a dysfunctional relationship and it takes 2 to make a healthy relationship.

I really feel bad when someone simply piles on generalizations about how "selfish" I am or "do more for me; you don't do enough". It leaves me feeling really helpless and depressed about the relationship.

When someone can tell me specifically what's bothering them or what behavior I need to work on, okay, I may not like it, but at least I know what to work on. I am not left just guessing on how to improve relations with someone.

I think you are thinking of him when you do that Christmas stuff or give to charity, but maybe you were also guessing what he wanted and he still was not satisfied with what you did offer him. (just my thoughts; I could be totally off base). You were also thinking of yourself; you wanted him to feel better toward you. You wanted him to take notice of something that you were doing that was good. Can you learn to tell yourself, "I am doing what I can to improve things." and "I would like him to tell me what he would like me to do for him specifically." Like for example, shopping for Christmas (my situation) I ask people what they would like and at least that way, I can tell them if I can afford it or not or I can give it to them and they are satisfied.

Also, if he does not believe that you are really trying to change or if he thinks you are being a fake, that's his trust issues. I would like to see him make an effort to try and believe you about things.

I went thru that around the time of my diagnosis; people thought that because I had borderline that I was permanently "bad".

Sorry if I talked too much again.

But I really felt your post.

Carol

[msjanalyn]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate every single word you write. It helps me to know that I do have support out there and not everyone is going to walk on egg shells around me. I'm sure you all know this but geezzzeeee It's so hard to make needed changes. I just posted another thread because I am so desperate. Whatever is going on feels like it's the twilight zone or something. Things just don't feel right.

Whenever I do something, no matter what, if I purely think it's for them only I still know in the end that I am seeking praise. It's so hard to admit and accept these shortcomings. Sometimes I long for the days that I was oblivious and didn't care about anything and didn't know what or the reasons why I was or was not doing something. Things just don't seem right. Something seems way off.