[BlueWhisky]

So. I got super drunk at work Christmas party and told my boss I hated him and pushed him away when he tried to put me in a taxi... and then I bit him. He says it's fine and he understands because he's been drunk and mad as well before... but I am sick with worry about losing job in the new year.

And I am trying to organise my birthday party for the 31st Dec but I am so worried nobody will come. So far two people say they may come. I hate it. I have pushed everyone away and it's crap. People only like me for a while, because I'm funny and can be really warm and welcoming until I get paranoid about their motivations.

I feel like I must be an evil person (purely evil from my acts) who doesn't have any evil intentions (I want to be good). It's so confusing and awful.

EDIT: And we are untreatable, right? What the hell do I do?

[xxxispillcoffeexxx]

You always have meaning behind your actions. You have to name those meanings. Question yourself. Why did I do that? What did I feel? What makes me happy? Would I want someone else to do this to me? What are ways I can channel or express my emotions logically so that I may be understood without anger explosions. The paranoia is a problem I struggle with as well. I have learned that I must find a grey area between self preservation and openness. I'm not saying keep your walls up but don't let them all the way down. People are unpredictable as are intentions but if you are honest then that allows another person to be honest in all good hopes. I try to be optimistic about others but am too crippling shy to give them a chance. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

You need to get involved in meditation and DBT. Basically, what they both do is attempt to get us to think about things in the present without fretting about the past or worrying about the present. It's not a "cure", and it does require a lot of work, but it can help at least when it comes to some of the anxiety and impulsiveness. There is a free online DBT class at http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/dbtclass/
as well as a DBT chat here on Saturdays as well as social groups on both that you can join for support. Once again, it's not a cure-all, but if you work hard at it, it should offer some much needed perspective and relief.

As for the incident, it WAS a party so I'm sure you're not alone. Granted, it shouldn't have happened, but there's nothing you can do about it now. Live in the present as best you can and just wait and see. You never know what may happen; no sense in worrying about it ahead of time. I know that's near impossible, but what else can you really do?

You aren't evil, you're a person suffering from paranoia. This time unfortunately you have something real that happened. Heck a person who didn't have a paranoid personality would be a little worried, so give yourself a break for the fears, but dont' let them cause you to do something impulsive out of that fear. Know that there is a reasonable amount of worry that goes with what just happened. When you've accepted this, you can work on re-focusing your attention on what's real. If your boss said it was fine, then leave it at that. Don't you think if he was upset enough about something like that that he would have called you in his office already and spoken to you about it? No, he offered his consolation by telling you he's been there too. I know if I were angry about something, maybe I wouldn't fire you but even at best I would definitely not say "it's ok.. " and the things he said.

Other people at the party know the fact that you were drunk when you said these things. I don't drink much but even when I've been around drinkers, I tended to "write off" the stupid, irresponsible things that people did in their stupors so I'm guessing most of them were either drunk or will write it off as such too.

The birthday party and invitations are completely unrelated to your drunkenness and you should not let that event affect this. the tendency is to spiral out of control in your mind and begin letting your paranoia seep into every area of your life and it will immobilize you. Realize they are not connected.

You'll be alright. Take heart.