Living hell

Sorry for posting, I feel like I am hitting a crisis again, I haven't slept all night and it is almost 6:30am here in the UK, I want to cry or scream but I can't, I am glad that christmas is finally over, I had to pretend to be all happy as I have visitors and I can't wait for my mum in-law to go home which will be later today, She is ok but there is only so much that I can bear.

I want to SI myself, I want to hide but I can't do this whilst she is here.
I have Aunt coming today for dinner it is all too much
This BPD is a living hell, I am dreading the year 2013.
I am feeling invisible too.

((((Tinkerbell))))

I'm sorry that you felt as though you had to put on a happy face for your MIL. She does know that you're going through a difficult time right now, why did you feel as though you couldn't share that you weren't feeling very peppy about the holidays with her? If I recall correctly, she was very kind when you told her about your struggles a little while ago. I would think that your MIL realizes that we don't get over those types of things that quickly or easily.

Try hard to stay present in this very moment, rather than worry about next year. Personally, when my bf refers to next year (or 10 years from now), I automatically go into SI! Like, there was supposed to be some old Mayan prediction that life on Earth would end last week (or something like that) and I kept wishing that it would, every time my bf reminded me. I automatically made very dark remarks, like, "Good! Let it be over already.." and so forth. Thankfully, that time has passed.

But, I have at least recognized that I need to stay present in this very moment to keep myself out of a negative state of mind. That helps me a lot (usually). Gentle hugs to you, Tink!

I guess with it being christmas I don't want to spoil the cheer if you like.
I am sitting on my own right now so the thoughts are getting worse.
My MIL will understand but I don't want to depress her or anyone else.

I am saying this and I come on here depressing you all.

Hey, I'm blue anyway ~ so I don't mind reading your gripes I just feel so sad that I can't be of better help to you!

Me too.
I already told you all my ranting and anger, Tinks, so you can't bring me down any.
Tell all ... I can ride along & hear it all and nod my head ... but don't do anything you can't take back. We will just ride it out as long as we have to, because it WILL turn around. It always does.
Roadie

You're helping shez

At last MIL has gone home so I have my house back to normal, I do get on with her and I can cope with her for a few hours but she had been here 3 days.

I have been hearing voices the past 2 days too and I am certain that this is because of my new medication I have been on them 5 weeks but they were increased on the 19th, Yesterday I thought that I was going mad, My therapist called me earlier and she was concerned about this and urged me to call my doctor ASAP in which I did once my visitors went, The receptionist called me back and said my doctor wants to see me tomorrow.

I do feel horrible, I am glad christmas is now over, sorry I know this sounds depressing but I did try and promise that I will at least try and enjoy christmas but it was hard.

(((Tinkerbell))) ...

I can't believe that people expected you to "enjoy" the holidays while you are actively grieving. Right after my dad died - well the next holiday 6 months later - an aunt said to me, "oh your daddy blah blah blah" I was insulted and angry. And felt intruded upon. But after reading MKAC's narcissistIc mother thread yesterday, boy it makes sense that my aunt would feed off my pain. It's been over 20 years but I still remember her call, that's how much it hurt. We can share what we want to share, with whom we want to share it.

Thanks hamster, I didn't want to mention this but since you mentioned grieving this is playing a huge part in it, My kids usually get a present from my mom so this year it was very odd she would come on christmas eve, Also it would of been her birthday on the 30th December, At least one good thing has come out of typing this it has made me cry.

I understand...went through the same thing with my dad, made worse by my mom who sent me a mean, unwanted "gift" on Christmas Eve. It does make it hard.... Hang in there. You have support here....