[krisakira]

I have a boyfriend and that is going great, but with friendships i just don't know how to handle them. I have 2 "best friends" however they are from ohio where I moved away from 2.5 years ago so it is long distance. One of them our main communication is through Facebook chat. We used to talk a lot, but lately i get the feeling that she doesn't want to talk to me, because I always have to start the conversation, and then a few mins in she disappears. If she is busy, then she needs to just tell me, and we will talk another time. But i am finding her to be very rude, and I don't even like her anymore. Maybe I am overreacting but I don't know how to handle it. She tells me she loves me and that I'm her best friend, and that she values our friendship so much, yet she doesn't want to do her part to maintain the friendship.

Then I have my aunt who deleted one of my comments on facebook and I know I am overreacting but cant help it, I feel like she is my enemy now and that I can no longer talk to her. I feel like the relationship is completely destroyed even though rationally i know its not true.

Sometimes i feel like my boyfriend resents me and that he will break up with me, but I know he won't. Sometimes I feel like i am going through the grieving process of losing him. I have accused him of not caring or loving me in the past, but have learned I cant do that because I know it's not true, and it's not fair to him to accuse him of such things when I know he works hard to care and love me.

I think I have a problem with forgiveness and when someone does something bad I think of them as an enemy. Can anyone relate to that? How do you overcome this? I don't want to lose my friends.

[Bill3]

I think I have a problem with forgiveness and when someone does something bad I think of them as an enemy.

With regard to your aunt and boyfriend, "act opposite", as discussed in the other thread, is to my mind well worth considering. You know the emotions, you know that they are not rationally supported, so consider acting the exact opposite of the way that they want you to act.

With regard to your girlfriend in Ohio, I think that the situation is more complicated.

she doesn't want to do her part to maintain the friendship

Here, it could be that you are overreacting to what she is doing, or it could be that truly things have changed and she just doesn't feel the same way as before. This can happen to anyone, especially over a long distance.

If you honestly cannot tell what is happening with her, then I suggest that you consider talking it over with her at a time that when there is a high probability that you both can be calm. An honest, calm conversation can go a long ways to helping you figure out what is going on.

If things have changed, it does not mean that either party is at fault or has failed the other. Sometimes, things just change and it is no one's fault.

[cboxpalace]

Originally Posted by krisakira

I think I have a problem with forgiveness and when someone does something bad I think of them as an enemy. Can anyone relate to that? How do you overcome this? I don't want to lose my friends.

I think you should try and work on your perceptions of what needs forgiveness and what is bad.. Those acts of deleting your comment or leaving an online chat are not bad. If anything they would be disrespectful, and nothing that needs forgiveness. Taking a baseball bat and smashing up your car is bad and would need forgiveness.. Deleting a comment on FB not so much. Try and determine what is fact vs. what is your opinion.

In either situation your best bet is to have a conversation with them. They may see your side, agree and all is good. They may disagree with you. If they disagree with you then the ball is in your court... How valuable is the relationship to you and are you able to remain friends with them. If you can then great.. If you can't then it's time for you to move on.

It irritates me immensely when it feels like the friendship is dependent on me doing all the work to keep it going. I can relate to you with that. This goes back to my childhood. For me.. that is now a deal breaker, and I refuse to do it. I refuse to like anyone that much. I'm not saying / implying my way is the right way.. It's MY OPINION!! It is what works for me. You have to determine what is right for you and what you can live with by asking yourself questions such as.....Are you able to remain friends with a person if you have to do all the work? can you live that? etc.. This will help process the information..

Also, you should try to realize that people are pretty ****in' stupid these days with the internet and busy lives and being self absorbed... It's entirely possible that they're completely unaware of how their actions affect you. That is why you need to have a conversation with them and go from there.

I do agree with the person above that relationships/friendships change when distance is involved, and neither party is at fault.. Regardless that doesn't ease the pain of letting go if it comes to that.

I can relate to all that you've said. Thinking people are all bad when you've felt wronged in some way is typical "switching" someone you even love can become an enemy when you've done this. It's easy to say what is happening and Bill is correct on thinking it's all perception but it's really not as simple as "acting opposite" when in your inner core you're almost hating the person in the moment. DBT is one method for helping to refocus your mind and getting your thoughts under control. What happens is you don't simply overreact but you see their act as very extreme and conjure up motivations behind them equating it to they hate you, are leaving you, are mocking you etc.. (as in the comment issue) refocusing your thoughts and gaining control of them will better enable you to adjust your perception (getting back to what Bill said). I would say, "acting opposite" is one possible action you can take but I know it's probably more easy for you to "not act" on your anger at the moment. If you're feeling like doing something impulsive based on it rather than trying to go to the extreme opposite (nearly impossible, I know.. been there) just force yourself to not act, then refocus and think through all the possible and lesser reasons for their actions - even if they offended us.

I know I've rambled a bit but I hope this helps *many hugs*

I wonder, is it really about feeling someone is an "enemy", or questioning their loyalty/respect for you and just not trusting them anymore and assigning that label?