[tattoogirl33]

Anyone else ever feel this way? This life is all I've ever known. It's SUCKS, but it's "safe".. Since I was 6 yrs old this has been ME .. I’m now 35... I don't know who the heck I am but I sure as heck don't want to be someone else... It's too scary!! Happiness, boy oh boy wouldn't it be cool to really know what that feels like? and for more than just a few minutes, hours...

I guess I'm curious about how the non's live and I talk a big game to my T and my family.. "Well yeah, I'm headed in the right direction, doing what I can to change my behaviors" uh... no... I'm not.. When it comes right down to it.. No, I don't want to "get better".. I want to be me.. the uncontrollable, impulsive, hateful yet lovable, tantrum throwing, roller coaster of emotions riding, laughing and crying at the same time, sleep deprived, little ol me...

who the heck am I kidding anyway?

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I relate to not wanting to get better.

"Why can't ppl just accept me as I am?"

Oh, boy.

For me, it's about feeling so starved for unconditional love. I did not get any unconditional love at all growing up and now ppl expect me to act like an adult and they treat me favorable as long as I can maintain. Having adult responsibility for my emotions and issues is such a challenge, esp when I was robbed of being unconditionally accepted as a child.

Carol

[Rapunzel]

Change is really scary, and I think that we all resist it. Is it really because we don't want a better life, or are we afraid of something else? I've been afraid of losing who I am, when I was just starting to figure out who I was. But you know, you don't have to change everything. You get to choose the things that you want to keep and change the things that you want to change. It's hard to comprehend sometimes that there can be change and you can still be accepted and accept yourself for who you are, and you are acceptable right now just the way you are, even if your life could be better if you change some things (but not everything). Acceptance has to come before change.

[just2b]

I just had a session with my social worker on the 3rd about how I am in agreement with her about where treatment should go from here, to IOP. I have an appt on the 7th and thinking already that I am done with all treatment of any kind! ! I have been going back and forth so many times...I cant make a fing decision!

[gary290]

Not wanting to get better is just part of the process of getting better.

[widgets]

It's a case of 'better the devil you know.'
People are their personalities..
We have a personality disorder
If that's fixed
Then our personality would be different
Meaning we'd be different
We don't want to be someone else
I think we just want who we ARE now to be ok
Not normal
Because normal isn't always good
But just ok

[tattoogirl33]

Well, for the most part I'm glad to see I'm not the only one.... I know I don't handle situations in the best possible manner and that if did things a little different something might actually go my way.. BUT in that moment when the choice is to be made I'm unable to control my reactions!! I've tried the "mindfulness" but it just ticks me off..

A learning process... blah.. sometimes I like being miserable.. It's what I deserve.. (and please don't tell me I deserve better.. I'm aware of that, sort of, but my mind and heart tell me otherwise 99.9% of the time.. )

[cboxpalace]

I don't know if it's a matter of not wanting to get better, but it may be more it's so overwhelming where do you begin or how to feel. I've wrote a thread awhile back regarding my thoughts, and why I have difficulties and wonder if I can ever get better...

cboxpalace wrote..

I've searched for years of my life trying to find external tangible objects or concepts to fill a missing void and to make me complete and whole and like who I am as a person. I relish in the momentary happiness, and I'm left empty with its all too soon dissipation. The process repeats itself over and over. It doesn't seem to work... at least for me. It's only after recent weeks that I've begun to realize the external world can't complete the internal missing self. It makes me wonder, how does a fully grown adult develop a true sense of self, filling an empty void, which would bring about true happiness? This is where stupidity comes into play with people saying volunteer, find a hobby, take a college class. They don't get it! The external can't fill an internal void. It has to be found within the self.... I'm not sure how to find something that is naturally developed over the course of years, during adolescence in a family unit. Whatever that internal piece is that a "normal" person has and/or experiences, I don't relate to it nor do I have a concept of what that feeling is. Without it, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to experience the feeling of being complete, whole, and like the person I am. I hate me.. that will make many want to fill me with compliments, because the thought of me hating myself makes them uncomfortable. They miss the point, but I'll still take the compliments, and I'll still hate me. I'm content telling myself I don't know the answer, and I don't know if I ever will. There is nothing wrong with admitting to not knowing.

Maybe it applies to you, and maybe not...

Here's the full thread..
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=244296

Originally Posted by gary290

Not wanting to get better is just part of the process of getting better.

This makes no sense to me, and I don't see the logic in it.

[optimize990h]

Originally Posted by BrokenNBeautiful

I relate to not wanting to get better.

"Why can't ppl just accept me as I am?"

Oh, boy.

For me, it's about feeling so starved for unconditional love. I did not get any unconditional love at all growing up and now ppl expect me to act like an adult and they treat me favorable as long as I can maintain. Having adult responsibility for my emotions and issues is such a challenge, esp when I was robbed of being unconditionally accepted as a child.

Carol

My two pets are the only ones who have given me unconditional.

[athena2011]

Sometimes I think i sabotage my own efforts to get better, along with others' efforts to help. In some ways, I think it is because I fear certain key people in my life dragging me down and using any positive changes I have made against me. So...I have started removing these people from my life and reminding myself that their judgement and criticism is worthless. At the same time, I am focusing on surrounding myself with people who are kind, accepting and supportive. I have discovered that these kind of people are in places I never looked before.

[Scorpio Eyes]

I've always been wrong. What I feel, think, want, believe: always wrong. Since I was born, people have walked out on me for nothing. Now I'm a man and suddenly, nothing has changed. I have a disorder - or more often I'm "psycho" or an idiot. People betray and abandon me, despite the textbook saying that hurts worse than a knife to the eye. Why on God's Earth should I change to appease these people? I'm lonely and miserable, but I'm Scorpio Eyes. So, I totally understand.

I've been there, I completely understand what you mean. I have been fearful of getting better thinking I'd lose "me". I've since learned that's not the case.

Getting better will not lose you. You are not your behaviors, although your behaviors flow from you and are affected by who you are. You are your passions, your dreams, your way of thinking, your opinions and much more.

Changing your ability control your emotions and your thought patterns will not change these things. You will still love butterfingers (or fill in your favorite snack), you will still have the talents, whatever they may be, you will still be able to love and care for those things you are passionate about. In fact, as an example, part of the way I am is my passion for art I am crazy "in love" with art and creating it. I've learned to be a little better now that I know what my disorder is but I haven't lost that and I won't. I do still hope to keep getting better.

I'll add this too. Passion for things, the ability to have very high "highs" in emotion is one thing I understand not wanting to give up. I know exactly what you mean. here's the thing, for me, if getting better meant getting on meds like I was, I would be in your boat, and be on strike. Im not on meds anymore. I want to know that I could lose control at any time but also be able control it when necessary. it makes me feel better knowing I'm not just wiping out part of my thoughts and emotions synthetically. I think that's about as close as I can get to losing me - taking meds. depakote had me a literal zombie (functional but numb) for a long time, I won't go back to that.

*hugs* I feel you... I understand. I hope this helps.