[xxxispillcoffeexxx]

Depressed and concentration shot, short term memory covered in a fog. Total darkness. Boredom and empty. Inability to soothe my nerves. In bed most of the day, have become one with the fibers on my blanket. Nothing but a paycheck. Working a job to survive and kill time. Father has driven me into a state of dissociation. Everything is far away and I'm watching, just watching prepared for the worst, hyper vigilance. Inability to tap into my own feelings. Feeding off those around me like a parasite of codependency and helplessness, their emotions and masking them as my own. It's all lies that I pretend don't exist. Relying on physical sensations to feel alive. Warmth, cold, sickness and health. Too many medications. Level but too level. Want to be myself but not a splitting monster or feeding like a parasite off other people. Want my memory back. Want friends and people to talk to but don't want to become lost within them. Shy, painfully shy and stuck in a rut. Not helpless but living with ghosts of trauma's memories. Close my eyes and see the faces; a traumatized little girl and now a woman, distracted by truth. Tainted by depression and lack of tools to cope.

Dad I'm leaving you, I'm going to heal from you, I'm going to the country and writing my book. forgive me for being selfish? I learned from the best.

I understand....

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Ispillcoffee: Hi. Hop things get better for you and you are able to be just who you are. Gentle hugs to you.

[NYCDoglvr]

Sounds like you've been isolating too much. I suggest going for a long fast walk to feel more comfortable in your own skin.