Yeah so, I feel like "whatever" about a lot of things today. I dont' know how to explain it except that I think I've shut down. or something.

Some people I care about for the most part, right now I'm like "yeah I could take them or leave them". Some of them I had grown quite attached to and right now I can't conjure up a single stinking emotion about them or feeling of attachment. I guess part of me is actually not apathetic, but angry, frustrated and just on the verge of quitting relationships altogether.

*note: this might end up being a ramble so if you're the type that gets bored with long posts, stop now*

Yeah so, right now I'm thinking about relationships. At the moment, I think I just would rather say fsck it, and walk away from it all. Relationships are messy. People are complicated and GD it, why can't they be simpler? I think about the people that I talk to, that I've grown attached to. I think about how it would seem the attachment is mutual, but then I think about all the complicated sht that goes along with the whole thing and how I am left feeling like I'm the one each and every one of them could take or leave. It's like if I disappeared (they would all deny this but it would be a lie in my mind) that I'd be forgotten. They'd move on their merry way and I would never cross their mind again. Or maybe they woudn't completely forget but it wouldn't matter. Would any one of them seek me out if I left? No, and proof of that is that they aren't willing to go the step of a real friend and make a real connection. Nope. Truth is I DON'T KNOW WHO THE FCK YOU ARE! I get the surface information, the feelings the inner thoughts but nothing real... it's all fake. Only give so much to me... enough to make me become attached but never enough to actually make the real connection. And I'm not even just talking about a companion or mate or even romantic attachments. So in reality I'm alone. Still. Everyone seems to be just a filler, a fake social life that is nothing. In a bind, I'm still the only one I can rely on and in the midst of a crisis no one does sht. Just give me their sorries and well wishing bullsht. yeah. I'm bitter and angry today i guess not really apathetic at all.

FML I just want to scream and punch a wall.

soz... I just had to get this out.

I could tell from a few things you said on other threads that you weren't in the best frame of mind. I'm really sorry, I get it, I understand....for whatever all of that BS is worth. PM any time. I probably can't do a thing, but I'm always willing to try... I hope you feel better soon...

[Atypical_Disaster]

I could have written this. I understand and I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm not going to pretend to have answers because I don't. I don't know if there are people out there who would actually give me any kind of real connection that doesn't turn out to just be fake BS at the end of the day. I've been told that not everyone is full of s**t like that but I don't know if I believe that, sometimes I do but not most of the time.

I hope that you feel better soon, take care.

I'm resisting the urge to unleash some thoughts on how I really feel about people right not. Honestly? It's fortunate this is a forum and not RL. I have the forethought to not say things that would damage things and people that in 5 minutes or 3 hours or days who knows? I would regret saying :/

But then, aren't I being fake? Suppressing those things... all the time. I'm. Just. Tired.

[Atypical_Disaster]

I know how you feel. I know it's just f**ked up to feel like you have all of that rage and no way to express it in a way that's not going to hurt you and other people. I also get that it's tempting to just unleash all those thoughts about how you really feel anyway, because when people consistently let you down and disappoint you over and over again it's hard to feel like they somehow -don't- deserve your rage. I just, I get it. I really do.

I understand how exhausting it is to be suppressing these feelings all the time too.

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

I know how you feel. I know it's just f**ked up to feel like you have all of that rage and no way to express it in a way that's not going to hurt you and other people. I also get that it's tempting to just unleash all those thoughts about how you really feel anyway, because when people consistently let you down and disappoint you over and over again it's hard to feel like they somehow -don't- deserve your rage. I just, I get it. I really do.

I understand how exhausting it is to be suppressing these feelings all the time too.

yeah thank god I don't SI. This would be one of those moments

[Atypical_Disaster]

Yeah, I've been SI'ing since childhood and it's damned hard to resist urges like that when you feel so infuriated. Not a good thing to start doing and I'm glad you don't have to struggle with that on top of everything else, you're already going through so much.

But am I going through so much? Maybe I'm just a friggin whiner feeling sorry for himself. I just don't know. Part of me is saying shut the fck up you idiot. the other part is telling that voice to do the same O.o yeah the life of insanity, ain't this fun?

[Atypical_Disaster]

I don't think you're whining or an idiot or any of that. I think you have serious problems and that it's okay to talk about them as much as you need to.

and yeah life is just wonderful, we should have a party.

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

and yeah life is just wonderful, we should have a party.

*tosses gray (gloomy color) colored confetti at Atypical_Disaster* Yeah! break out the beer...

[Big Mama]

Hey. I'm sorry life has you down at the moment. I know how lonely things can be at times. I know how it is to feel like you are handeling life alone, you'd love some help but it ain't happenin. You are so irritated that if someone came along to help you they just get pissed and leave. Because that's the effect you have on folks, Wait.....that's me. sorry.

I kind of think you might feel similar. I tell my brother in law something and the same thing goes for you to and anyone else who are low and lonley....... Call,PM, Write me. I can't do much, I dodn't have anything to offer, no money, no great words of wisdom but I can listen and I do care, and I will be more then happy to talk to the big guy up above.

If you are worried about leaving a lasting impact on my tiny blond brain, not to worry, it is so riddled w/ ADD, and PTSD I can't remember sh**. So fire away.

For real dude, If you need someone to talk to I can listen, and I don't mind contacting the big guy on your behalf. I'm not opposed to PM's. (thats bad I almost wrote pms, I am opposed to pms it's not pretty)