[BorderlineMess]

My mom is dying. She has multiple sclerosis and has refused to see a doctor for the past 12 years. She's bedridden. Hospice nurses are taking care of her a few hours a day, a few times a day. She has a catheter in place and I fear more of her organs with start to fail soon. They say once you've lost organ usage, it never comes back. I don't know how long my mom has. I've never dealt with this sort of thing first hand.

I can't stop thinking about our relationship, how complicated it is, how little she seems to care about me. I have no idea how to deal with the upcoming grief. I fear the combo of it and my bpd will tear me a part. I don't know what to do.

I wish I had some good advice for you...I really don't. My dad died four years ago this July. We hadn't been close at all due to my mom who always demanded all of my attention and I realized during all of the proceedings how much I'd missed out on. He was in a coma when I said goodbye. It's very hard, but we'll see you through as best as we can. Feel free to PM if you think I could offer any help at all. You'll persevere in the end with our help.

[greyclouds]

:throb; ((hugs)) I'm so sorry to hear this. No matter how good or bad a relationship is the pain of losing someone is still the same.

I don't know much about your mums illness. Can you both not try build bridges,?
Thinking of you ((hugs))

[BorderlineMess]

I don't think she sees anything wrong with our relationship. She's a very demanding person. Sometimes even cruel and unthinking, saying whatever was on her mind no matter how hurtful. Now that she's doped up on pain killers and anti-anxiety pills, she's almost a different person. I feel a lot of pity for her, where I used to feel anger.

I've never lost anyone close to me before. The closest person to me that I lost was a customer from the bank I used to work at. He came every day, sometimes two to three times a day, and he just got to know everyone. He was murdered in his shop behind the bank. It was so sudden and violent. I went to the wake with everyone from the bank but I went to his funeral by myself. I cried so much. I was shocked at how quickly he touched my heart. He was just such a good guy, taken in the prime of his life, without need or reason.

I'm scared I'm going to lose it. Either lose touch with reality or just drop into a deep depression and take a long time to get out of it. I'm trying to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for her passing, but how does one really do that? Or will I be completely unfazed? Do I have so much anger towards her that her death will pass over me like the death of a long distance cousin that I never knew?

Just things that have been bugging me. Thanks for listening guys. I just need to get these thoughts out sometimes.

Take the time you have left to try to make peace with her as well as yourself. Sit with her, talk to her, try to get out your feelings you've been holding in to her. It doesn't matter if she gets it or understands; it will make you feel better and will allow you to deal with things better after she passes. I don't know if this is true with anyone else but it is very true to me: a reason abandonment hurts so much is because theres no sense of closure. There's things you never get to say, feelings you never work out and that hurts more than anything else. Try to work them out in your own mind to the best of your ability before she goes. The best thing I ever did with my dad is sit down and talk to him while he was in a coma close to death. He may not have heard a word I said, but I can't imagine the anguish I would have faced never telling him at all. You have the chance...use it. It will hurt, but it will make a big difference later.

(((borderlinemess))) I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know first hand either about the loss of anyone, as I've never had to deal with it yet.

I agree with Mara in that you should do your best to make peace with her as much as possible. Not necessarily fixing those things that you see wrong with the relationship but just accept her as she is and let her know that you do. Maybe in that she'll accept you too and things will be smoother through the rest of the time. Do as much as possible that you can to let her know that in spite of everything, you love her. I think of all things in talking to people who are mourning, they regret the last things said (or not said, depending on the case) to the one that passed before they did. Make as many moments as you can that will help you to have peace and know that you did all you could for her the whole time.

Im sorry I don't have much else to say. I just don't know because i've not been where you are now.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

4 years ago, I lost a dear family member; she had raised me.

She died angry. At me.

I pity her, too. I am coming to terms now with the fact that I did love her, contrary to what she thought---she thought I was incapable of loving her or anyone. She was very hurt in her life and it spilled out on anyone, incl. me, who was weaker, smaller, or "less than" she was.

It is okay to feel whatever we need to feel about this.

Carol

[avlady]

i wish i knew what to say when people are dying or death in general, i've lost so many people already in my life, so many times it's happened and I don't know what to do or say still. I am sorry for you loss might not feel right for your situation now that i know you feel the way you do, but to tell you the truth, i don't think anybody knows the best thing to day or do. In fact it is probably a blessing if you felt that way? sometimes i can't shake the feeling these people are still around me!!!we will also most likely be called by God in our own time too. maybe there is a reason? I hope you grow in strenght and faith if possible but like i said there is no one way to express in the loss of someone close to us.I know it hurts too. That is the thing that I can't handle is the pain.All I do is pray-avlady

[Atypical_Disaster]

I'm so sorry this is happening. I don't have any answers, but I do care and I can relate to having complicated relationships like that and not knowing how to deal with all those conflicting feelings when something like this happens.

[BorderlineMess]

Thanks, everyone, for the support. I'm glad I have a place to let this out. It's going to be a long journey, I think. My sister called me today and my mom's social worker wants to put my mom in a hospice home. She refuses to go. So they're going to have a meeting with her Tuesday to try to convince her to go. I don't know if I can go (because of work and because I get very emotional about this stuff). Her nurses have been helping her for two weeks and they're already overwhelmed. They say she needs constant care. I just don't know if she'll pass within the next few months or if she'll hold on like this for a year. The lack of understanding of what's happening to her physically just makes it confusing. No one knows why her body's failing. She's refused to see a doctor for her illness (which is Multiple Sclerosis) for years. Like 12 years.

Anyways, thanks for listening guys. Y'all are amazing.

(((((BorderlineMess)))))

My mum died July just gone and I am still grieving it is hard, she died very suddenly, I wasn't on speaking terms with her which made it more hard for me (long story)

I am sorry that you're dealing with this if you need to talk then you can send me a message