[bpd2]

Maybe I'm over-reacting?
The last time I saw my therapist--three weeks ago--I was there for an appointment at the same time as another patient . . . because my therapist hadn't told me that he had a new webpage for setting appointments and making changes to appointments, and that the old one was no longer in use (I had, of course, used the old one). He said he'd only forgotten to tell two people, that one of them was me. Then he told me he'd have to give me a username and password for the new webpage. In neither of two back-to-back appointments did he do so, even though it came up again. He said, "you can also call to make appointments." But, here's the deal: he set up webpages so that he wouldn't have to deal with phone calls to set up appointments. He also said, "Or, you could use email." But, another big deal is involved here: we had months of email difficulties because he changed the rules on using it; so, I haven't been using email with him for a long, long time.
Just over a week ago, I got an email from him asking if I wanted to set appointments now. I wrote back, "Yes! Here are the dates I want" and gave those.
He didn't reply. I waited a couple of days, then wrote an email asking if he had had a chance to set appointments for me. He wrote, saying that his email had been down for two days and to check back with him in the morning. I did. No reply.
Yesterday afternoon I sent an email asking if he'd had a chance to set appointment times for me (because I am supposed to have an appointment this Thursday, but have heard nothing from him). No reply. So, I sent another one this morning. No reply.
I don't want to send another one, and if I call, I won't be able to get past some moment which is bound to make me cry, and then I'll feel even worse than I do now.
Also, I tried, a few moments ago, to find his new webpage. I did find it, but when I tried to make an appointment, I go the message that I do not have access to that page.

I can't figure out what is going on--not with the appointment situation, and not in my heart and in my head. It just hurts. A lot.

I'll take anything you got--advice, encouragement, alternative ways of looking at it . . . anything.

I don't have an alternative way of looking at it. I see this as horrible treatment of a client/patient. I mean he's supposed to be in service to you but seems to be (intentionally or not) making it all but impossible for you to keep seeing him! I'm sorry but if it were my therapist I'd be firing him right now. It's hard enough for some of us to even keep or make appointments without all the difficulties in trying to get in touch with the therapist! Find a T that's got their sht together and actually cares. That's my 2c

[BelleCat]

Originally Posted by bpd2

Maybe I'm over-reacting?
The last time I saw my therapist--three weeks ago--I was there for an appointment at the same time as another patient . . . because my therapist hadn't told me that he had a new webpage for setting appointments and making changes to appointments, and that the old one was no longer in use (I had, of course, used the old one). He said he'd only forgotten to tell two people, that one of them was me. Then he told me he'd have to give me a username and password for the new webpage. In neither of two back-to-back appointments did he do so, even though it came up again. He said, "you can also call to make appointments." But, here's the deal: he set up webpages so that he wouldn't have to deal with phone calls to set up appointments. He also said, "Or, you could use email." But, another big deal is involved here: we had months of email difficulties because he changed the rules on using it; so, I haven't been using email with him for a long, long time.
Just over a week ago, I got an email from him asking if I wanted to set appointments now. I wrote back, "Yes! Here are the dates I want" and gave those.
He didn't reply. I waited a couple of days, then wrote an email asking if he had had a chance to set appointments for me. He wrote, saying that his email had been down for two days and to check back with him in the morning. I did. No reply.
Yesterday afternoon I sent an email asking if he'd had a chance to set appointment times for me (because I am supposed to have an appointment this Thursday, but have heard nothing from him). No reply. So, I sent another one this morning. No reply.
I don't want to send another one, and if I call, I won't be able to get past some moment which is bound to make me cry, and then I'll feel even worse than I do now.
Also, I tried, a few moments ago, to find his new webpage. I did find it, but when I tried to make an appointment, I go the message that I do not have access to that page.

I can't figure out what is going on--not with the appointment situation, and not in my heart and in my head. It just hurts. A lot.

I'll take anything you got--advice, encouragement, alternative ways of looking at it . . . anything.

My therapist did that too. Although it is irritating, I can guarantee you it's not abandonment. Therapists get busy, and they have a lot of patients, so if he's still not responding to you by the next couple of days, show up at his office and talk to him in person (when he is not seeing a client). Don't make a scene or anything, just say "Hey, I haven't been able to reach you for a therapy appointment, what's going on?" Try calling him first though if you haven't tried that.

I agree, that they get busy. May not be abandonment but clearly not doing his job. Period. I don't care whether they have too many patients. That's up to them to manage, they took the job, do it right. It's not my responsibility to go after my T all the time and remind them. Hey I'm their bread and butter if they don't care enough to keep their crap together then they don't need my greenbacks. Thing is if it's too many patients, then they took on too many. If it's lack of organization, hire an assistant. It's so simple it's not even funny.

Show up at the office, Id agree with this but it sounds like she's done nothing but give him opportunities to get her appointment set. Even with your example of being busy that would be forgivable at first but after as many times she she's tried, idk it's beyond just disorganization or absent-mindedness. This is multiple times, multiple ways she's tried to get in touch with him.

With Belle's suggestion I would definitely try as a last resort to show up there and put your foot down. Tell him that you want to make an appointment and that he needs to help you on that or you'll go elsewhere. Just my 2c (or wait 4c now)

[bpd2]

Thank you both, BelleCat and Sandman. I did call him, about an hour after I posted, to ask him if he was having email problems or something. He asked me to resend my request for times on February's dates. (I sent the first one back on 1/29.) It's been only three hours since then, but it feels like a long, long time.

The problem is compounded by the fact that I drive a long way/time to see him, and I have to plan ahead. He knows this--I've seen him for seven years now. Also, I rent a room when I drive over, so there are arrangements I have to make--which he also knows.

When we talked, briefly, because I knew I wouldn't do well if I didn't stick to just the practical matter of getting times set, he was going to look for the old email himself, but I offered to send it again as a forward. At first he said no, then looped back and said send it because then there could be no excuses could there--meaning he would have to deal with it. Gee, so special . . .

I think it probably is time to move on. Very hard to do after all this time.

I bet it is hard to do. I can understand that.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by bpd2

Maybe I'm over-reacting?

It just hurts. A lot.

I'll take anything you got--advice, encouragement, alternative ways of looking at it . . . anything.

How is everything now?

Even if this is unintentional, it sounds like an almost impossible situation.

I remember when I was seeing someone for 3 years and I had to stop seeing her because of some issue. It hurt, too.

And...oh...the good ole days when all you had to do was call a number, there was a lady on the other end and she could just pencil you in pronto. Or you could just agree to meet!

Last month, my new pdoc thank goodness, he just wrote down a date to see me because he did have a secretary---who got my appt wrong!

I love Internet and the computer age, but really!

I believe it is being overused to the point where we are forgetting to be human!

For goodness sake---why can't someone just agree to see you over the phone?! Instead, they refer you to the website!

Sorry to hear this.

I hope you can find a way.

Websites, websites...ugh...!

Carol

[bpd2]

So . . . it's been several hours now. I sent the email (the forward) with the date/time requests around noon, and it's almost 9pm now. No reply from him.

Really? Really? Is this how it goes?

Dang.

[TheRealFDeal]

That's just freakin' unbelievable. It's almost like he's taking your clientship for granted. Seven years is a long time. You may need to tell him you are seriously considering termination and looking elsewhere, if you ever get a hold of him again. How do you feel about looking for another T?

[bpd2]

This A.M.: After I posted last night, I went to bed. This morning, just before 5 A.M., I check my email, and there is a post from him, probably less than 10 minutes after I posted last night, with dates and times for the next three weeks.

Now what? What do I do with all this anger and this feeling of shame that I had to push someone into seeing me? At least, that's how it feels.

TBH, I'd still consider looking elsewhere. Keep the appointments you have until you've found someone new. I mean if it's this much trouble... Idk... :/

As for the anger and shame? I understand the anger, but dont' feel shameful about it, he should be ashamed at his actions, not you.

It's up to you but I think as a client, you need to put your foot down, if you intend to keep seeing him. Don't let him take you for granted that you're a client and will never leave just because you've seen hm for so long. that's what I feel like he's doing.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by bpd2

This A.M.: After I posted last night, I went to bed. This morning, just before 5 A.M., I check my email, and there is a post from him, probably less than 10 minutes after I posted last night, with dates and times for the next three weeks.

Now what? What do I do with all this anger and this feeling of shame that I had to push someone into seeing me? At least, that's how it feels.

I know this feeling. Feeling like you have to push. I know. It seems like when I push, sometimes things happen. But it's a bad feeling---why can't we feel like someone can just naturally come to us? I would also recommend that you put your foot down and say what you will tolerate and what you will not. Or at least how this all is making you feel. Ideally, in a therapeutic relationship we should be able to talk about how it feels. I know, it's hard.

Carol

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

TBH, I'd still consider looking elsewhere. Keep the appointments you have until you've found someone new. I mean if it's this much trouble... Idk... :/

As for the anger and shame? I understand the anger, but dont' feel shameful about it, he should be ashamed at his actions, not you.

It's up to you but I think as a client, you need to put your foot down, if you intend to keep seeing him. Don't let him take you for granted that you're a client and will never leave just because you've seen hm for so long. that's what I feel like he's doing.

I think this is good feedback. We deserve to be treated well.

I went thru this last year---got treated like this. I hated it. I was pretty nervy---I told them, "Look, I think I can even do better without you. I don't need to feel like some link in this chain. I count! I deserve this reserved time! Just for one lousy hour! For me! Not your neurotic, egotistical desire to make good on me or use me for some end like a paycheck."

Of course my words were chosen in a better way when I actually talked to them, but this was how I was feeling.

Carol

[bpd2]

Wish me luck: yesterday, I wrote my therapist a letter and sent it via email. I tried to explain what I thought I did, what I thought he did, how I felt, and what I need. At the end, I asked if he could do those things I'd asked for, and I said that if he couldn't, then we should say goodbye. I sent it in the morning. I've heard nothing, but I do see him this evening.

I wish he had replied, however briefly. I hate walking through silence, hoping there will be kind words soon.

I know it's not his job to be kind, and I don't want him to be kind, really. I want him to be responsive. That he didn't send any encouragement does not bode well.

Or, am I asking too much? Dang, it's hard to wait all day for an answer to something like that. I wish I hadn't done it, because it is so hard to wait for any reply, but I am glad I did it . . . because, it had to be done. I can't take the way things have been.

I don't think asking a T to be kind is unreasonable. I think it's necessary. A purely logical T is going to come off cold and uncaring and truth be told no one wants purely logical responses to things as personal as our emotional and mental health. We need unbiased responses but in no way should they be discompassionate, impersonal or unkind. I don't know about you but I'd be out the door fast with an unkind T

You expecting responsiveness is not asking too much. If anything it's a very important need that needs to be filled for BPD personalities. We need people to be responsive to us or we feel abandoned and/or ignored. Also I think you need to have consistency with a T too. our lives are far too unpredictable for our Ts to be inconsistent and unpredictable.

No, you are right on with your expectations. Don't budge on these things!

I'm standing behind you all the way to support you on this.

[gammachris]

Stay calm. It sounds like your care provider is being a bit of a flake. I'd approach him in a calm manner, but hold him accountable for his unprofessional behavior. I have a marvelous primary care physician that I've been seeing for over 30 years. Sometimes things get a little flaky in his office (often coinciding with staff change issues), and he's always been responsive once I've talked it over with him.

[somethingtolose]

Originally Posted by bpd2

Wish me luck: yesterday, I wrote my therapist a letter and sent it via email. I tried to explain what I thought I did, what I thought he did, how I felt, and what I need. At the end, I asked if he could do those things I'd asked for, and I said that if he couldn't, then we should say goodbye. I sent it in the morning. I've heard nothing, but I do see him this evening.

I wish he had replied, however briefly. I hate walking through silence, hoping there will be kind words soon.

I know it's not his job to be kind, and I don't want him to be kind, really. I want him to be responsive. That he didn't send any encouragement does not bode well.

Or, am I asking too much? Dang, it's hard to wait all day for an answer to something like that. I wish I hadn't done it, because it is so hard to wait for any reply, but I am glad I did it . . . because, it had to be done. I can't take the way things have been.

I might be wrong, but to me, it just sounds like logistical bumbling. It's possible that you need to work with a therapist that is more attentive to details, but in life there are many people that are going to act in bumbling inattentive ways (and pretty much everyone does it unintentionally). I personally would have given him the benefit of the doubt (considering you have been seeing him for seven years, obviously if there are other things that have happened that could change my interpretation).

Originally Posted by somethingtolose

I might be wrong, but to me, it just sounds like logistical bumbling. It's possible that you need to work with a therapist that is more attentive to details, but in life there are many people that are going to act in bumbling inattentive ways (and pretty much everyone does it unintentionally). I personally would have given him the benefit of the doubt (considering you have been seeing him for seven years, obviously if there are other things that have happened that could change my interpretation).

I normally would agree to giving him the benefit of the doubt. it just seems like she's gone through doing that already at this point though and has done everything to get him to respond to her requests.

[TheRealFDeal]

I couldn't agree more with s4's input. It's right on. Kudos to you for putting it in writing! That took guts. Please tell us how it went!

[bpd2]

When I go to see him, it's a two-day trip for me (a long drive one day, therapy session in the PM, a stayover in a reserved room, therapy session in the AM, a long drive), so I lost you all on Thursday and Friday. When I got back Friday, I read the posts, but my reply had to wait . . . and I'm STILL trying to figure out what happened, but it's mostly good.

I really appreciate the responses you've been giving me. To clarify, I do give him the benefit of the doubt in assuming that what keeps him from replying when I want him to is that he has good reasons for the lapse. But, that doesn't keep it from being too much of a lapse for me to tolerate, because it has been going on for more than two months--this last go-round was just the worst it's ever been. So a succession of upsetting appointments, a succession of lapses in scheduling and an upset in regularity of appointments (over a long, long time) had me pretty distressed--and, over the years, the need for scheduled appointments before I leave, or an agreement about when and how we would schedule them, has been a topic more times than I can count on one hand--maybe two.

So, as reliable as he is, he is also reliably unreliable in certain situations. And the problem, of course, is that I can't know what they are, and we have had some huge discussions over phone calls and over what is and isn't allowable in emails. Unfortunately, those were left hanging--those discussions, for us, always are (us being him and me, but it occurs to me that us may be borderlines in general, too).

To the present moment, then. Here's what happened: He did read the essay/letter I sent, but I had also watched Flight (Denzel Washington flick), and had been upset by it--because I knew that I would have failed in exactly the way he did. So, all the way over on the 4-5-hour drive, I thought about how to talk about my response to the film (he had recommended it to me that last time we met). I realized that what I wanted to talk about was habit, and what habit was, and how habit devolved into addiction--that habit created a need . . . and there we were in borderline land, do you see? And we talked about the tragedy that occurs when ill-chosen responses to stress become necessary actions to us to the point that they become self-destructive. And we talked about the haphazard, luck-bad-luck nature of the moments in a chain of events . . . how the smallest, tiniest thing can trigger action and that for those of us with self-destructive responses, that action can be disastrous--of huge consequence. And, so often, that disaster could have been averted if only the smallest thing had happened. And THAT is how we got to the crisis I had reached over his lack of response. It took us almost an hour of discussion to get there--discussion which included my need for an apology from him, and WHY I needed an apology. In the end, after an extra half an hour of therapy, he did apologize, and sincerely. But only after we had also talked about why it is a slippery slope to apologize to a borderline--that first it has to be clearly and rationally understood what is being apologized for (not blanket "badness"), and that it has to be sorted out what the apology does--and what it does not do.

Huge. Absolutely huge.

I am so grateful to all of you on this thread for supporting me as I experienced all of this. I was so distressed, and there is still this swamp of emotion--that residual emotion that is fully present each time I remember certain moments--that we borderlines are so famous for, unintentionally, living in. It's that swamp, as much as the desolate trails that lead us there, that is the basis of my need for therapy, and that is, I think, because I am a borderline . . .

I hope this made sense. I can't make it shorter without losing connections, but I can try to address any holes if you need that. Thank you all so much.

[winter4me]

Originally Posted by bpd2

Thank you both, BelleCat and Sandman. I did call him, about an hour after I posted, to ask him if he was having email problems or something. He asked me to resend my request for times on February's dates. (I sent the first one back on 1/29.) It's been only three hours since then, but it feels like a long, long time.

The problem is compounded by the fact that I drive a long way/time to see him, and I have to plan ahead. He knows this--I've seen him for seven years now. Also, I rent a room when I drive over, so there are arrangements I have to make--which he also knows.

When we talked, briefly, because I knew I wouldn't do well if I didn't stick to just the practical matter of getting times set, he was going to look for the old email himself, but I offered to send it again as a forward. At first he said no, then looped back and said send it because then there could be no excuses could there--meaning he would have to deal with it. Gee, so special . . .

I think it probably is time to move on. Very hard to do after all this time.

Yes. It is time to move on. If you are comfortable, I would, (maybe after finding another for support) confront this therapist with his behaviors.
I am not in tx currently ($) but in the past (I'm 60 so the past is longish) I have gone back to confront a therapist; once it took me a couple of years----when I did, I found out that the therapist had a problem working with me----and, after going through it, I decided it was Not My Problem--- painful but self-affirming

[winter4me]

I hope this is good. Only you will know. It just strikes me that the discussion was void of an acknowledgement on his part of not keeping his word or being consistent and accurate in giving you information that is important to ANY client---sounds like it's blaming the bpd---------------unless you described his behavior inaccurately, he owes you more than an apology. He owes you a commitment to do his job and not make excuses or unannounced changes (I think he should, not with you but with another therapist, explore the reason he neglected to tell two of his clients about an important change, necessary to the continuing tx---this says something about him, not you)

[bpd2]

Originally Posted by winter4me

Yes. It is time to move on. If you are comfortable, I would, (maybe after finding another for support) confront this therapist with his behaviors.
I have gone back to confront a therapist; once it took me a couple of years----when I did, I found out that the therapist had a problem working with me----and, after going through it, I decided it was Not My Problem--- painful but self-affirming

I'm impressed. I wish I could go back and confront two past therapists. One banned me permanently, and I still don't know why it was permanent. It creeps me out to think about seeing him, but it drives me crazy, not knowing.

This therapist and I have a long, long relationship, and it might be unusually complicated. I don't know. I've seen him for seven years (maybe eight . . . ). He's come to see me in the hospital when I've had to go. There are unusual aspects to our work: We wrote a long, long series of essays together, two book-length sets. He found a dog for me and helped me buy her, then I gave him one of the puppies, which he is raising now as his old dog declines. Sometimes we have very intense periods of contact and work. He told me, this last visit, that working with someone so long and spending so much time with them changes a person. I had to ask if that was a bad thing, and he exclaimed, "No! It's just a fact, and it's important to recognize it when people are woven into our lives." And he made sure we had a series of appointments set up for the next two months. Mostly, it is a profound relationship. But, I'm a borderline, and an old one at that, one who didn't get better, but who is getting wiser about knowing when it's me, and when it's someone else who's whacked. As I struggle with that, I am trying to discern when I should make changes in my life, even if what I have to leave behind has huge positive elements. It's like cleaning my closets and giving away clothes I loved. But a relationship is so much more complicated. In the end, I know that I am better off seeing him than not. And, I would be dead without him. Three times. Gratitude for the past is a strange thing. I have so much trouble telling if the past is sustained by the present, or has the relationship changed too much. And are the changes better, or are they intolerable? I don't know when it's the nature of therapy to push me into new insights and behavior, or when it's just plain too painful to endure--and personal, not therapeutic. Someone on this forum has a tag about "kindness in another's trouble, courage in your own." I read that about a week ago, for the first time, and I recall it often. One of the things he said to me this last time is that I could have been very unkind to him, but I wasn't; that, instead, I had been generous, and he helped me see how, through my tears. Maybe I need to cut down to seeing him every other week just now, because the emotion is huge and periodically overwhelming.. . . . Maybe it's just spring and my emotions are welling up like sap and will calm down soon?

[ECHOES]

he did apologize, and sincerely. But only after we had also talked about why it is a slippery slope to apologize to a borderline-

Did he actually say these words?!

[TheRealFDeal]

I just have to say that driving 4-5 hours and having to make overnight arrangements to see a therapist once a week is a HUGE emotional investment. I can't help thinking that I would expect so much more from a therapy appt when I have invested so much energy into going. And how's that drive home?