I'm afraid my girlfriend's losing interest in me because I'm being clingy. I hate texting her yet I do it all the time and every time she doesn't text me back the way I want her to or if she takes too long to respond then I feel rejected and scared she's annoyed by me. I don't know what to do. I feel like I want to subtly manipulate her into wanting me again but then I feel like a bad person for thinking that. If relationships with people are this difficult then maybe I just deserve to be alone for the rest of my life. She doesn't deserve me questioning her feelings every single time we talk.

[Ultra Darkness]

I wish I could help, but since I've never had this problem, I don't know what to say...

I thought it was a BPD thing but I could be wrong.

[Ultra Darkness]

Oh, it sounds like it's definitely a bpd thing. I just say I've never had that problem because I've never known anyone well enough to start getting clingy.

[greentires4me]

I get crazy and insane when my friend a guy doesn't text me back fast enough...its like this drowning on obsession or anyone for that matter and then I get a text back thats just "k" its like took time to right a long message and all I get back is "k". Drives me insane

It's definitely a BPD thing. I had this problem with my guy friend and things would build up and build up until I was enraged at him. I don't want to freak you out but our friendship ended a week ago because my actions became so out of control. There has to be a way to control your actions. If I could go back, I would do better at talking myself down. Do whatever you have to do to put the phone down when you feel anxious. Turn it off if you have to, that way you have to wait those extra seconds for it to turn back on before you text and that interrupts your thought process. Write things down before you text, take a walk, hold onto ice cubes, take a deep breath, do whatever you have to. Because, I know how it feels, we tend to get more clingy when we feel the other person pulling away. But try not to cling...do what you can.

Originally Posted by misskeena

It's definitely a BPD thing. I had this problem with my guy friend and things would build up and build up until I was enraged at him. I don't want to freak you out but our friendship ended a week ago because my actions became so out of control. There has to be a way to control your actions. If I could go back, I would do better at talking myself down. Do whatever you have to do to put the phone down when you feel anxious. Turn it off if you have to, that way you have to wait those extra seconds for it to turn back on before you text and that interrupts your thought process. Write things down before you text, take a walk, hold onto ice cubes, take a deep breath, do whatever you have to. Because, I know how it feels, we tend to get more clingy when we feel the other person pulling away. But try not to cling...do what you can.

I'm just scared that if I don't cling and if I don't talk to her first then she won't ever come back to me... That will literally destroy me. It'll just confirm every doubt I've ever had...

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

I'm just scared that if I don't cling and if I don't talk to her first then she won't ever come back to me... That will literally destroy me. It'll just confirm every doubt I've ever had...

Yeah, but if you do cling then it will definitely drive her away.

Originally Posted by misskeena

Yeah, but if you do cling then it will definitely drive her away.

Yes, I know. It's most likely a lose-lose situation. But I can't stop. And I hate myself for it.

edited, i'm sorry.

[MissLadyRed]

I still do this with my partner. I constantly fly into fits of rage or get over the top emotional over texts messages and responses and then start thinking he'd be better off without me etc. i understand how your feeling and from what I know it's definitely a BPD thing. Things are a bit better now coz I explained to him what I do and why I do it and he has an understanding now and makes sure to text me promptly or say things the way I need them said so I don't start thinking he is going to leave me. Have you spoken to her and tried to get her to understand? Don't feel bad about thinking about manipulation. I have done it in every relationship. I know it's not ok ( and I've learnt to stop doing it now) but it's a common response for BPD. I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I know the feeling all too well. Stay strong and know you are not a bad person. It's just a response/pattern you will over time learn to deal with and control. Hugs.

Hey nevergoodenough,

Well you're not alone on that one. I used to drive my ex girlfriend up the wall. My incessant neediness would be exacerbated by the fact that we lived together. (As if that wouldn't be reassurance enough). I would need reassurance often and it WOULD annoy her. Misskeena is correct in that the more needy we become the more we drive people away. This was part of the dismantling of the relationship

Your fears of being abandoned are real fears to you. They are valid. Does she know you have BPD? Have you talked with her about your fears? (I personally would talk about my fear so much it actually manifested into reality. Like I said I drove her up the wall. She was tired of reassuring me. This I feel had a hand in pushing my girlfriend to cheat on me, but that's another story for another time lol ).

Here is what I've learned, despite the fear and the boundaries that seem SO impenetrable, just let her have some space. We don't think and feel the way , dare I say 'healthy' people do. lol Space is no biggie for us, we can always push them away. But for those normal people, space is very important.

I learned this the hard way and it IS hard to comply to your girlfriend's need for space. But it can be done. Misskeena's suggestions sound great.

I find that distracting myself with my many hobbies keeps me from the anxiety and fear. Because let's face it, the thoughts in my head can drive me crazy. I beat myself up and assume the worst.

If you can, don't follow my same mistakes. Keep the lines of communication open and give her some space, I know how hard it is, but this aspect of the illness can wreak havoc on relationships.

[mednurse80]

I feel the same way...it is definately a symptom of BPD. I am married and my marriage is very rocky because of my inability to trust. Logically, I know I could't ask for a better husband, but I just can't believe that he loves me and we have been together over 8 years. I, too, feel like sometimes, I am just meant to be alone. Why make him suffer what I am already suffering. He isn't doing anything wrong, but I fear he will...so I accuse him of the very thing that I fear, just to hear his reassurance (I have OCD, too). It is not easy for anyone who is in the relationship. But I understand where you come from. I wish I could over some sound advice, but after 8 years, I still don't know what to do with myself. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. In the end, everyone deserves to be loved. Good luck!

I am literally miserable right now. Was feeling impulsive tonight. Almost got my ears pierced but instead I decided to chop off some of my hair, and it looks bad. I feel empty, confused, dead, frustrated, infuriated, depressed, clingy, like I've ruined my relationship, and at the same time I feel a lot of hatred, for other people and especially for myself. I don't know what to do.

On an additional note, I need to give her space. I know I do. But how? I feel so worthless.

I read somewhere that what I'm going through could just be neediness. And what if that's all it is. What if I don't have BPD. What if I'm just needy and pathetic and sensitive and empty and I'm this way because I haven't done anything with my life and because I'm just a hateful person. I know I shouldn't wish for a personality disorder but at least then I wouldn't feel so pathetic. Or maybe I would. I don't know. I really don't. I don't know what I'm saying, probably. My mind is just. Not right today. I'm sorry if that offended anyone or, I don't know. I really don't know what I'm saying.

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

I read somewhere that what I'm going through could just be neediness. And what if that's all it is. What if I don't have BPD. What if I'm just needy and pathetic and sensitive and empty and I'm this way because I haven't done anything with my life and because I'm just a hateful person. I know I shouldn't wish for a personality disorder but at least then I wouldn't feel so pathetic. Or maybe I would. I don't know. I really don't. I don't know what I'm saying, probably. My mind is just. Not right today. I'm sorry if that offended anyone or, I don't know. I really don't know what I'm saying.

I think it might go a little deeper than neediness (because there are other components like depression, worthlessness, emptiness, etc) but this is something you should discuss with a therapist for sure. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself to define what you are and instead focus on taking care of yourself. You don't have to have a label to do that.