[hezaa82]

Today was graduation day, the day I've been dreading for the last couple of months. Today I had to say goodbye to J. I had to say goodbye to the students and the teachers at the kindergarten (where I work) as well but I couldn't even really be sad about that because all I could think about was losing J.

I wrote about him in my post last week, but we worked together one on one at the kindergarten for a year, and he was so kind and friendly. I finally had someone I could share all the stupid little details of my life with. It felt so good just to have his company at work and it felt so nice doing everything together - heating up our lunches together at lunch time, walking to school together in the morning. I feel so sad that I won't have his companionship anymore.

And it hurts knowing that I'm not as important to him as he is to me. I still remember the time (before I screwed everything up) when I was important to him and it's so hard seeing how his attitude towards me has changed over the year. It's so hard when people pull away from me.

I wanted to do a big emotional goodbye but for some reason I couldn't. Maybe I know deep down it's pointless. It didn't feel right to fight or have uncomfortable conversations on graduation day... the mood at school was all about gratitude and good feelings so I didn't feel like bringing anything up. Last Friday I gave him a graduation gift (a sketchbook) and a small note saying thank you and that I'll miss him, but I planned on giving him a long heartfelt letter today at graduation. I didn't end up writing the letter. He wrote me a little card with a cartoon picture of the two of us (that's his art style) and this message:

"Heather, thanks for everything this year. I enjoyed working with you. You are a good teacher and have a big heart - the kids love you. Be strong and keep fighting for what you want to achieve. Be fearless."

It's a very nice note of course. But of course I start immediately picking it apart in my head... he only talked about work, it's not very emotional, etc etc etc

After the ceremony he said let's get a beer (I wanted to invite him if he hadn't said something but good thing he did because I maybe wouldn't have had the guts). We had a beer together in the park but we just talked about normal work stuff, our schedules for the new school year etc. I tried to say something about how I'll miss being able to talk to him about everything, but I could tell he was uncomfortable - started kicking the dirt with his foot.

We got on the train and I said a few things to him. "I'll be ok, but I'm going to miss you lots." He said thanks but that I need to take him off the pedestal, and that I should try and make friends with some people I know on facebook. Then I said that I'm sorry that I screwed things up so that we can't be close friends. He started to say that's not true, but stopped himself because it is true. He said that in the first place it's hard for guys and girls to be close friends, and that if we were close friends it would freak me out if he started talking about liking another girl. He's not wrong... Of course I wanted to say more, like how much he means to me and how much I like being with him and how much it hurts to not be a part of his life. But we were on a train and it didn't seem right to say that right then.

Then he said "I'm not dead you know." And he's right, but it some ways it would be easier if he was dead, or if he had moved away. (not that I want him dead!) At least with death it's not voluntary... him choosing to reject me hurts more because it's his choice to go away.

I'll see him at training this week and next week, but I know it'll be painful because we'll be in a big group and he'll be talking to everyone else. Then after training is finished it might be a long time before I see him again...

[hezaa82]

I really could have used some company tonight after graduation and saying goodbye to J... but I couldn't find a single person to keep me company. That makes me feel really bad about myself.

I guess the reason why I idealize J so much is because he's one of the only decent people in my life. The response from one of my dance friends: "I'm off to have a night of awesome sex"...he has a bit of a narcissistic personality and didn't understand that I was feeling down about graduation.

I emailed J complaining about that dance friend blowing me off....didn't think it was too personal, but he still ignored my email. I guess I just want someone to understand how tough my situation is... I'm not looking for consoling or a quick fix, just someone to say "that must be really tough for you." I guess I trust J a lot and that's why I go to him...

thank goodness I have therapy tonight, I need it

That would be very hard and I'm not sure how well I would deal with it. I am a school teacher by trade. This is actually one of the first years I'm not teaching in the last 20 or so. I've always dreaded the end of the year with a passion, saying goodbye to students I know I'd never see again as well as a few teachers not returning. I get it for the most part. I've never developed the kind of friendship/camaraderie you had, but I recently moved 2,600 miles from Florida to Idaho. I left behind my two daughters, the only friend I had in over 15 years (long story there) and pretty much everything I knew.

I have regrets big time but it was something I needed to do at the time and I have to live with that decision now. The end of the school year this past year was expecially hard. I'd taught at my most recent for nearly ten years and I knew when I left in June, that I was not likely to return. It was a bit overwhelming along with all the other problems I had at the time, but I somehow made it through and here I am.... Not always easy, even now, but I'm surviving.

[imaginationunlimitd]

dont worry..u will be fine..u r not alone.