[BorderlineMess]

(I apologize for the length. Thanks in advance if you read it all.)

Hey everyone. I know it's been an eternity since I've been on here. I've missed this place. I've missed you guys. I've just been so busy. And so overwhelmed. And things have just gotten worse for me.

I'm debating whether to make an appointment with my psychiatrist, although I'm scared to tell him that I've quit taking about half my medication. I just couldn't afford the extra $200 a month for those meds. And I don't know if that's why I'm having such a hard time or if this is just a typical reaction to my life right now.

So I'm in culinary school and I work for my dad. Typically, I have 12-13 hour days 4 days a week. The only break I take is however long it takes for me to eat a lunch, if I eat that day.

My mom has been ill for a while but her previous nurses have discharged her from their service and her care has fallen on my sister and I. We've hired a nurse to come one hour a day six days a week so we can work, but that's all my mom can afford. And neither my sister nor I can afford to hire the nurse for longer. We're trying to get her on Medicaid so that she can go into a nursing home. And she needs a nurse's care regularly. We visit her 3 times a week each. So that someone sees her twice a day.

She's fighting us hard on the nursing home front. She either wants to move into my sister's house or have me move in with her. My sister's house is tiny and she has two kids, a husband and a dog. They'd have to build an addition to fit my mom's hospital bed. I'm obligated to my roommate until October because we're in a lease together. And honestly, it makes more sense for me, the single, childless child to move into her place.

But we have such a strained relationship. I have so much hurt, resentment, and anger towards her. For years she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and refused any medical treatment. Now she's completely bedridden and dependent on people for care. And now her choices have become our responsibility. And she's flabbergasted when I say I'm so stressed out. She's selfish, rude, mean, bossy and controlling. She's also wanted to die for a long time, even before she was bedridden. She doesn't care what that would do to us. I'm not assuming this; she's told me so directly.

I'm also her financial power of attorney so I pay all her bills and try to keep checkbook in the positive.

I've started getting sick a lot. I think it's from the stress. Stomach problems, infections, colds and flus. I also cry a lot. My mom thinks I'm not coping well.

The other day I almost went off on her. I starting telling her how I feel, how angry I am, how stressed I am. She started ignoring me.

I've asked my dad (my boss) for this week off from work because this is finals week and I've got two practical finals, two written finals, a final project and a quiz this week. And it would help me stress wise. And I could get lots of little things done that I've been putting off for months. I asked him Friday around 1pm. I've yet to have an answer. I'll have to call him tonight to see.

I don't know how to make it any clearer to the people in my life that I need help. I need a break. I need some time to unwind. Do they just not care? Can they not understand? How many times do I have to tell you that I'm stressed out before you understand?

I was late one day last week to work by about 30 minutes because my mom was having a freak out session and calling my sister and I before work. And he snapped at me, saying "If you don't like working here, just quit!" I just broke down in tears. I sat at my desk for two hours, doing work, crying, answering phones. He began to say something to me and I said "Don't say another word to me unless it's an apology." It took him two hours to apologize. If you heard your child crying, wouldn't you rush to him/her and hold them and try to make them stop? What's wrong with me? Why am I so unloved?

I don't know what to do. I'm cracking at the seams. I'm even crying as I type this. I feel like my psychiatrist will just prescribe me a different anti-depressant or tell me to just keep buying the one he's prescribed that I can't afford.

The only things that make me feel better is cuddling with my dog, crying, and watching sad movies. *sigh* help?

[H3rmit]

Someone visits her 2x a day? She's spoiled. I hope you get a good chunk of your 3 days off for yourself. My reaction: no way I'd live with mom given the circumstances, nor would I probably visit her for a couple weeks because you need to take top priority right now. You have too much on your plate and if you could cut out nonessentials like mom's pressure and demands, you might be able to come off of the stress mountain. I don't think we owe our parents everything they want. And your dad/boss should give you some days off during exams!

[BorderlineMess]

Thanks H3rmit. I'm glad I'm not totally off my rocker for thinking and feeling this way. I've never had to take care of someone like this, especially a parent. And it's so much more difficult when there's not a lot of love for that parent. I do what I do out of obligation, not out of love. But I feel that the act of taking care of someone, even and especially when you don't want to, is an act of love nonetheless. Unfortunately, if my sister and I don't do it, no one will. Her mom is very sick and her brothers and sister are...flaky and unhelpful, to be nice.

Thank you for making me feel normal.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by BorderlineMess

I do what I do out of obligation, not out of love. But I feel that the act of taking care of someone, even and especially when you don't want to, is an act of love nonetheless.

Yes, loving acts are worth a lot more than just feelings, in my book. Feelings are often fickle. I hope you can put yourself first and get what you need.

I totally agree with what H3rmit said. You have to take care of yourself or you won't be able to take care of anyone

[Fuzzybear]

I also agree, please take care of you first!

[adam_k]

It sounds like you are under so much stress. I bet it feels like you have the world on your shoulders. My only recommendation is maybe setting some boundaries with your family.

I wish I had good family advice, but I was raised in a dysfunctional family and the only way I could cope is to just ignore most of my family. The only person that is important in my life is my spouse, and even at that I have constant fears she doesn't love me and would abandon me.

My only suggestion is to make some time for yourself and put your foot down when things get too much. My family used to use me a lot and they hardly helped me when I needed it. After I started setting boundaries my life become better and I felt better about myself. I hope you can find a way to get balance into your life.