So I was thinking today about myself just thinking about the past year... Something kind of bothers me right now. I'm kind of in limbo right now identity wise. What bothers me is that I look back over the year and see myself, not surprisingly, going through changes in behavior.

I had a phase where I was a chat maniac. spent endless hours on PC chatting, making friends, just kind of enmeshed in the whole pc chat thing. That's changed. I don't even go on chat now at all.

I went through a phase where I liked drinkign a bit at night. Got drunk on more than one occasion, made myself look like an idiot, did stupid things.. etc. I now have a flask of vodka in my fridge that has been there for at least 2 weeks and I hve no desire to touch it right now.

I got attached numerous times with different ladies on pc, went through the whole cycle, falling, clinging...etc and then of course losing each one or at least coming to the realization that they didn't really want me that way. I'm happy being single now. (mostly)

I went through fanatically playing games, then got into art obsessively for a bit.. now I'm back to gaming crazily... I feel the artist itch coming again..

This leaves out a lot of the crises that I've been through but I don't think that needs to be repeated again here...

This life is what I am though. I have to learn to accept that I'm an ever-changing chameleon that never will remain exactly the same. But it's hard to face sometimes. Right now I'm in limbo in the sense that in my mind I want one of these things to be permanent but looking at it I know it won't and I feel like "what am I, really?" Which of these things is me? All of them? I can understand why I don't have friends though, it's gotta be hard to keep up with someone like me...

Anyway just a little ramble about my thinking.

I thought I knew what part of my identity was up to about 8 or 9 months ago. I'd taught school for over twenty years. That was the only identity that I knew was pretty certain, and it's been completely uprooted. My personal/social life has no real identity. I become whatever my circumstances dictate and on the occasion I can't become the chameleon, which has happened several times in the past year, trying to "hang out" with people much younger than myself, I become angry and spiteful at both myself and those involved. What little bit of self-identity I had would not allow me to venture back in to the world of promiscuousness and drug experimentation....and I was angry and hurt and them and me, but I just couldn't do it.

I've become a bit of a hermit since then because I work from home and through that I feel I've found myself a little, not that it can't be totally uprooted in a second by the right person or the right circumstances. That's probably why I've become a workaholic. I feel I know myself through my various work and projects and when I stop I often feel lonely, I think too much, and I have no idea what to do with myself. Limbo indeed.

[Ultra Darkness]

What's wrong with being a chameleon? I like it.

I relate to this. And it's frustrating, I know.

[cboxpalace]

it is typical for us to have frequent changes jobs, hobbies etc. My thoughts are we lack a true self and so we attempt to find external "things" to complete us. They don't, we become bored, and move onto something else. It appears that our attempts to complete us or make ourselves truly satisfied by external stimuli never satisfies us. I'm not sure how we can complete our internal missing self when it should have been naturally developed years before.

I've written some about this and my thought process... Feel free to read if you like.. Maybe something will stand out or prompt some thoughts about yourself or you may disagree completely.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/borde...ssed-drag.html (stratocaster had some really good insight here)

http://forums.psychcentral.com/borde...palace-iv.html

Originally Posted by cboxpalace

it is typical for us to have frequent changes jobs, hobbies etc. My thoughts are we lack a true self and so we attempt to find external "things" to complete us. They don't, we become bored, and move onto something else. It appears that our attempts to complete us or make ourselves truly satisfied by external stimuli never satisfies us. I'm not sure how we can complete our internal missing self when it should have been naturally developed years before.

I've written some about this and my thought process... Feel free to read if you like.. Maybe something will stand out or prompt some thoughts about yourself or you may disagree completely.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/borde...ssed-drag.html (stratocaster had some really good insight here)

http://forums.psychcentral.com/borde...palace-iv.html

Oh I understand that it's typical and i know it's been going on for me as far back as I can remember. Just reflecting on my experience with this part of my PD. Thanks though.

Originally Posted by Ultra Darkness

What's wrong with being a chameleon? I like it.

I'm not saying it's all bad, it can be frustrating at times though, don't you agree?

[Ultra Darkness]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I'm not saying it's all bad, it can be frustrating at times though, don't you agree?

I suppose so. Yes.

Reflecting on some of the things that were said in the two posts cbox refers to, I have to say I don't feel like an "incomplete" person at all. Maybe I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not so much incomplete as I'm just not as static, personality-wise as people that some would call "norms". I would hesitate to even call those people "norms" in the first place since norm implies that something normal actually exists and I have yet to find enough evidence to show that it does.

Fact is, I know I'm different. My multi-faceted personality is what it is. That's the thing, over the past year or so, reading through posts, listening to people talk about the "solutions" they have and not having any that truly "fix" (for lack of a better word) I've found that the solution isn't going to be anything that makes me into what some people might think is a whole person. I am whole. I am just many moods, behaviors and passions. I am many different personas or identities. Is that really so bad? So the worst part of my behavior, the hardest part to deal with is what's left. the self esteem. In all of this I've figured out that the lack of self esteem, self confidence in ourselves causes 99% of the problems in the rest of our lives. It's not the lack of identity, it's not that we can change, it's self esteem. Once I accept that I am what I am, that I am going to change indefinitely and am ok with it, much of the frustration will subside.

I think that because of our feeling "abnormal", not accepting that it's ok to be an ever-changing chameleon, causes most of the stress in our life. How? First, without a solid acceptance of self, we are insecure. From that we cling to others to gain security in ourselves. Further, when these people are absent or God forbid, leave us, we freak out for fear of abandonment. Without self esteem, we rely on things around us, people around us to gain self image, confidence and everything in between. When we accept who we are as personalities that are ever changing, we won't have to seek to find an "identity" but realize that this IS our identity. An identity of someone that is flexible, changing and moldable. That is what I am. I know that I'm rambling but this just got me thinking

In fact, this can be and has been an asset in my life. I hve been successful, to be honest, in many things. I've gone from working as a production worker as an 18 year old and being commended on my skills as a faster worker than others, to being a manager of software (games) stores, in two separate companies. I've gone from that to managing pizza delivery chains, and then having my own pretzel shop in a mall as the manager, further, opening a new one for the company in a new city and state as they trusted my skills. I've been a shoes salesman in an expensive dept store (Nordstrom's) to selling everything electronic. I'm a self taught computer builder, tech support person and now web developer. I've gone through the gamut of jobs and careers and even though I can't seem to finish college (no degree), I have ended up as a full time federal worker (now almost 8 years *4 as fed*) I don't state these things as though I'm great, I'm not. I'm just pointing out that without my chameleon like behavior and personality, I doubt I would have had such a colorful and diverse work record. None of these jobs have fired me along the way but I quit and moved on myself... so it's not like I failed at one, tried another etc..

I am considered, for the most part a very laid back person and not becuase I don't lose my cool. I do. But for the most part I am able to go along with the flow of things rather than fight the way the crowd is walking. I tend to get along with almost anyone at work because I just don't impose my own way upon others very often.

Anyway these are just some of the good things about being me. The thing is, we all have to accept ourselves and accept the way we are. With or without a T, with or without meds it doesn't matter, it still comes down to, in my mind, that none of us will find joy, happiness and cope with life better until we accept it's not going away. We are this way and that's that. Who cares if it's because my brain is not functioning in the way dr whatshisname says. Who cares if it's all caused because I missed something in life x years ago growing up? What matters is where we are today. This is what we are, this is who we've become. Embrace it and accept it, use it to better your life and I think we'll all be a lot more happy.

Sorry for the novel...

Very well said.

[poptart316]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Reflecting on some of the things that were said in the two posts cbox refers to, I have to say I don't feel like an "incomplete" person at all. Maybe I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not so much incomplete as I'm just not as static, personality-wise as people that some would call "norms". I would hesitate to even call those people "norms" in the first place since norm implies that something normal actually exists and I have yet to find enough evidence to show that it does.

Fact is, I know I'm different. My multi-faceted personality is what it is. That's the thing, over the past year or so, reading through posts, listening to people talk about the "solutions" they have and not having any that truly "fix" (for lack of a better word) I've found that the solution isn't going to be anything that makes me into what some people might think is a whole person. I am whole. I am just many moods, behaviors and passions. I am many different personas or identities. Is that really so bad? So the worst part of my behavior, the hardest part to deal with is what's left. the self esteem. In all of this I've figured out that the lack of self esteem, self confidence in ourselves causes 99% of the problems in the rest of our lives. It's not the lack of identity, it's not that we can change, it's self esteem. Once I accept that I am what I am, that I am going to change indefinitely and am ok with it, much of the frustration will subside.

I think that because of our feeling "abnormal", not accepting that it's ok to be an ever-changing chameleon, causes most of the stress in our life. How? First, without a solid acceptance of self, we are insecure. From that we cling to others to gain security in ourselves. Further, when these people are absent or God forbid, leave us, we freak out for fear of abandonment. Without self esteem, we rely on things around us, people around us to gain self image, confidence and everything in between. When we accept who we are as personalities that are ever changing, we won't have to seek to find an "identity" but realize that this IS our identity. An identity of someone that is flexible, changing and moldable. That is what I am. I know that I'm rambling but this just got me thinking

In fact, this can be and has been an asset in my life. I hve been successful, to be honest, in many things. I've gone from working as a production worker as an 18 year old and being commended on my skills as a faster worker than others, to being a manager of software (games) stores, in two separate companies. I've gone from that to managing pizza delivery chains, and then having my own pretzel shop in a mall as the manager, further, opening a new one for the company in a new city and state as they trusted my skills. I've been a shoes salesman in an expensive dept store (Nordstrom's) to selling everything electronic. I'm a self taught computer builder, tech support person and now web developer. I've gone through the gamut of jobs and careers and even though I can't seem to finish college (no degree), I have ended up as a full time federal worker (now almost 8 years *4 as fed*) I don't state these things as though I'm great, I'm not. I'm just pointing out that without my chameleon like behavior and personality, I doubt I would have had such a colorful and diverse work record. None of these jobs have fired me along the way but I quit and moved on myself... so it's not like I failed at one, tried another etc..

I am considered, for the most part a very laid back person and not becuase I don't lose my cool. I do. But for the most part I am able to go along with the flow of things rather than fight the way the crowd is walking. I tend to get along with almost anyone at work because I just don't impose my own way upon others very often.

Anyway these are just some of the good things about being me. The thing is, we all have to accept ourselves and accept the way we are. With or without a T, with or without meds it doesn't matter, it still comes down to, in my mind, that none of us will find joy, happiness and cope with life better until we accept it's not going away. We are this way and that's that. Who cares if it's because my brain is not functioning in the way dr whatshisname says. Who cares if it's all caused because I missed something in life x years ago growing up? What matters is where we are today. This is what we are, this is who we've become. Embrace it and accept it, use it to better your life and I think we'll all be a lot more happy.

Sorry for the novel...

very well said.

I had a moment today where I realized my chameleon like behavior, I was going through my clothes- trying on all my summer stuff to make sure it still fit.. I also ordered a couple things. I get very chameleon like when it comes to my wardrobe, dabbling in all sorts of different styles.. I wished for a moment that there was some more consistency in my outward appearance but then I thought "this is just who I am" and it kind of makes me interesting, I play dress up and pretend I'm all sorts of colorful characters and it's kind of fun.

[cboxpalace]

In someways you have proved the point I was trying to make...

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Fact is, I know I'm different. My multi-faceted personality is what it is. That's the thing, over the past year or so, reading through posts, listening to people talk about the "solutions" they have and not having any that truly "fix" (for lack of a better word) I've found that the solution isn't going to be anything that makes me into what some people might think is a whole person. I am whole. I am just many moods, behaviors and passions. I am many different personas or identities. Is that really so bad?

This in and of itself is not bad....

So the worst part of my behavior, the hardest part to deal with is what's left. the self esteem. In all of this I've figured out that the lack of self esteem, self confidence in ourselves causes 99% of the problems in the rest of our lives. It's not the lack of identity, it's not that we can change, it's self esteem. Once I accept that I am what I am, that I am going to change indefinitely and am ok with it, much of the frustration will subside.

Our self esteem / self confidence comes from our identity. Because we lack it and/or our perceptions are incorrect and/or not consistent will affect our esteem / confidence. Which would be rational because how can we have high self esteem / self confidence when were inconsistent. Even when I think back to some of your posts at times there down and then up, negative and then positive and this can be within a relatively short period of time. You, me and everyone here is inconsistent in our own ways. You have all these wonderful external accomplishments and should be flying high in self esteem or self confidence, but it appears that you're not. What's missing is internal self acceptance. If we can figure that out and how to obtain it, and more importantly truly believe it... well.. the forum may be empty... Which is what I was writing about.

Originally Posted by poptart316

very well said.

I had a moment today where I realized my chameleon like behavior, I was going through my clothes- trying on all my summer stuff to make sure it still fit.. I also ordered a couple things. I get very chameleon like when it comes to my wardrobe, dabbling in all sorts of different styles.. I wished for a moment that there was some more consistency in my outward appearance but then I thought "this is just who I am" and it kind of makes me interesting, I play dress up and pretend I'm all sorts of colorful characters and it's kind of fun.

LOL...that was very much the truth, particularily in high school and college. I remember buying and wearing one the skimpiest outfits I ever had in high school, something that would generally be completely against my moral code to go along with the group, fit in, change who I was. I remember feeling a bit uncomforatable at the time but it didn't bother me because it was what I deemed was needed to be the chameleon.

There's nothing more frustrating to me, however, than to try to be a chameleon when there's no way you can be for whatever reason. Those have been some of the times when my self-esteem and self-hatred have been at their lowest.

To be honest, I never thought of it in terms of BPD or being a chameleon, but I also switched careers/jobs when I was younger and am still doing that despite my long time in teaching. I was determined to teach so I made it work, but it was hard due to the anxiety I'd have with the kids which I got over in time. During my life, however, I've worked fast food, many restaurants as both a cook, server, cashier, I worked several retail positions, I've worked as a professional resume writer, I worked PR for the Florida Health Department both in writing ads as well as organizing and putting on events, I tried my hand at cold call sales (that one I couldn't do...couldn't handle the rejection), worked as a licensed realtor for over a year, worked as a secretary, and wrote ad copy too. I was never forced out of any of the jobs due to inability to do the job, but often lost it due to circumstances.

[yellowfrog268]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

So I was thinking today about myself just thinking about the past year... Something kind of bothers me right now. I'm kind of in limbo right now identity wise. What bothers me is that I look back over the year and see myself, not surprisingly, going through changes in behavior.

I had a phase where I was a chat maniac. spent endless hours on PC chatting, making friends, just kind of enmeshed in the whole pc chat thing. That's changed. I don't even go on chat now at all.

I went through a phase where I liked drinkign a bit at night. Got drunk on more than one occasion, made myself look like an idiot, did stupid things.. etc. I now have a flask of vodka in my fridge that has been there for at least 2 weeks and I hve no desire to touch it right now.

I got attached numerous times with different ladies on pc, went through the whole cycle, falling, clinging...etc and then of course losing each one or at least coming to the realization that they didn't really want me that way. I'm happy being single now. (mostly)

I went through fanatically playing games, then got into art obsessively for a bit.. now I'm back to gaming crazily... I feel the artist itch coming again..

This leaves out a lot of the crises that I've been through but I don't think that needs to be repeated again here...

This life is what I am though. I have to learn to accept that I'm an ever-changing chameleon that never will remain exactly the same. But it's hard to face sometimes. Right now I'm in limbo in the sense that in my mind I want one of these things to be permanent but looking at it I know it won't and I feel like "what am I, really?" Which of these things is me? All of them? I can understand why I don't have friends though, it's gotta be hard to keep up with someone like me...

Anyway just a little ramble about my thinking.

Wow! That so sounds like me. I dive headlong into new interests until I fall out of love with them and then on to the next. ON the one hand I feel fortunate that I've been able to experience so many different things in life. On the other, it's left me wondering who I really am. Jack of all trades, master of none.

Right now being my age 45+ yrs old and a single father, living just with my boys are positive things. Being in a relationship brings out more identity crises than anything. Speaking to the "fitting in" that others have mentioned, I don't fit in, and right now, I keep thinking "I'm too old to try to fit in." On top of that I don't have an SO to deal with her social needs - all of my SO's have been way more social than me so i got dragged along all the time, forced to be sociable, which has never really been me, just a "faked" identity.

So in a way I still bounce from interests and hobbies but that's bearable - at least today, I'm thinking that lol. It's the impressing others and fitting in that I don't want to do anymore. If you won't love me for this way that I am right now, go away you're not a friend.

Yeah today I am confident in myself in the sense that I am who I am and part of that is being a sort of floating, ambiguous personality. I'm really ok with it at the moment.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Right now being my age 45+ yrs old and a single father, living just with my boys are positive things. Being in a relationship brings out more identity crises than anything. Speaking to the "fitting in" that others have mentioned, I don't fit in, and right now, I keep thinking "I'm too old to try to fit in." On top of that I don't have an SO to deal with her social needs - all of my SO's have been way more social than me so i got dragged along all the time, forced to be sociable, which has never really been me, just a "faked" identity.

So in a way I still bounce from interests and hobbies but that's bearable - at least today, I'm thinking that lol. It's the impressing others and fitting in that I don't want to do anymore. If you won't love me for this way that I am right now, go away you're not a friend.

Yeah today I am confident in myself in the sense that I am who I am and part of that is being a sort of floating, ambiguous personality. I'm really ok with it at the moment.

"At the moment"....lol, I know how that goes! Well, let's hope the moment lasts a long time. I'm in the same boat...I can't fit in the younger crowd anymore. There's certain morals and such I'm not willing to sacrifice anymore to fit in. When it's bad, I'll try to "convert" them or I'll get angry at myself and them for not melding. I guess it happens....

One thing is, I've learned to differentiate between fitting in and getting along. I like younger crowds or people that like that stuff no matter what age. Silly geeky stuff like video games and anime. idc how old they are if we can get into that stuff together. Most of the times it's younger people but I don't really think I have to fit the age group anymore, our interests are in common so that's enough. I'm learning.

[adam_k]

Thanks sandman for this. It gives me hope to be comfortable with myself one day.