Sorry for so many posts in a row. I'm just...not feeling so hot right now.

Many of you already know the story of my ex-friend and I. Well, we re-kindled our friendship recently and things have been going well. Tonight, however, I've been feeling the old BPD anger bubbling up to the surface and have sent the same angry texts that I used to be famous for sending. WHY?? I thought I was over this and doing well.

Here's the thing. He's at work right now. He can't respond to me the way I want him to, but I've got it in my silly head that he doesn't think my time is as valuable as his. The reason I feel this way is because we talked about going out for dinner either tomorrow or Tuesday but we never set a time or a day. I don't even know if we're really going out, but I'm all excited about going out just the same. And I'll feel let down if we don't. He is a last-minute kind of person, I am a total planner. This has always been a point of contention with us. I will admit that doing things at the last minute has kind of worked out for us; I've been kind of BPD-ish in the past and have gotten mad and cancelled things out of rage and so not planning has been good, in that sense.

I've been feeling irritated in general tonight, just feeling like I want to throw something at something else. I feel angry, and I don't know if it's because of him or if it came first and he just exacerbated it. I've been trying to talk myself down, telling myself that I don't want to lose the friendship over something like this. But it's no use. I sent him two angry texts anyway. I've just now--within 5 minutes--sent a text apologizing and telling him that I am feeling irritated in general, that I don't want to start this angry text pattern again, that I'm having a BPD "moment" (he knows about the BPD and gets what I mean when I say that) and that he shouldn't text me at all tonight. I just...feel so useless in this friendship because I can't control my emotions. I don't know why I can't. It makes me sad. I know the consequences of my anger is the loss of someone I love and yet I still get angry for little to no reason. I suck. (And this is probably why the other close friendships I have are so benign that they are totally boring to me--because nothing in them will make me angry. )

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by misskeena

(And this is probably why the other close friendships I have are so benign that they are totally boring to me--because nothing in them will make me angry. )

So looking at the implication of that -- maybe the anger drama is a surrogate for finding out and dealing with whatever the deeper anger is?

This is totally based on my subjective intuition. It might have nothing to do with the situation.

Sorry the mad is getting you so badly, when you're getting so mad.

Originally Posted by H3rmit

So looking at the implication of that -- maybe the anger drama is a surrogate for finding out and dealing with whatever the deeper anger is?

This is totally based on my subjective intuition. It might have nothing to do with the situation.

Sorry the mad is getting you so badly, when you're getting so mad.

I don't think there is anything too deep, it's just normal stuff that gets under BPD skin--abandonment, invalidation, that kind of thing. My other friends, all two of them, are either not that close or have been my friend for so long that I don't feel abandoned or invalidated by them. I mean, my best friend and I's relationship is so damned predictable that I don't really have any reason to feel angry about anything. We do the same things over and over: go to the mall, get coffee, wander around. Sometimes we change it up and go for an appetizer somewhere or we'll hang out at her house. That's about it.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by misskeena

I mean, my best friend and I's relationship is so damned predictable that I don't really have any reason to feel angry about anything. We do the same things over and over: go to the mall, get coffee, wander around. Sometimes we change it up and go for an appetizer somewhere or we'll hang out at her house. That's about it.

I never feel comfortable with acquaintances like that, and they never last for me. I don't do "bland" very well.

Does your bf always get to decide on whether it's spontaneous or planned, or is it more 50-50?

Originally Posted by H3rmit

I never feel comfortable with acquaintances like that, and they never last for me. I don't do "bland" very well.

She's not an acquaintance, she's been my best friend for 15 years. She knows everything about me and is my most trusted friend so I think that's why I tolerate bland.

Originally Posted by H3rmit

Does your bf always get to decide on whether it's spontaneous or planned, or is it more 50-50?

Well...it's not my boyfriend. It's just a friend. He's gay, so there will never be anything more than a friendship. I don't know, usually we just text on a day and say, "Hey, what are you doing today? Want to go out for coffee? (Or lunch, or whatever)" We've only just re-kindled our friendship after a month and a half and I honestly can't remember if we planned things more before that. I think we tried to, but I was pretty famous for canceling things out of anger. Like, "I'm mad, I don't want to do X with you anymore," kind of thing, so I think he decided it was no use to plan things with me anymore, it was better to just see what I was up to on a given day.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by misskeena

She's not an acquaintance, she's been my best friend for 15 years. She knows everything about me and is my most trusted friend so I think that's why I tolerate bland.

Well...it's not my boyfriend. It's just a friend. He's gay, so there will never be anything more than a friendship. I don't know, usually we just text on a day and say, "Hey, what are you doing today? Want to go out for coffee? (Or lunch, or whatever)" We've only just re-kindled our friendship after a month and a half and I honestly can't remember if we planned things more before that. I think we tried to, but I was pretty famous for canceling things out of anger. Like, "I'm mad, I don't want to do X with you anymore," kind of thing, so I think he decided it was no use to plan things with me anymore, it was better to just see what I was up to on a given day.

Yeah, I understand she's a good friend for you. It sounded at first like you don't get into heavy stuff, but I'm probably msunderstanding again as I have been so far in this conversation. To me bland would be not getting into all the nitty gritty and working out conflicts - ie just bland social stuff. Since she knows everything about you, it doesn't sound like the trivial kind of blandness I was thinking of - for me would be just acquaintances.

I didn't know the story of your ex-friend. I guess I read in the word "boy" there because of how you were responding.

[TheRealFDeal]

I wonder if the anger has to do with wanting him to be more to you than he can give. I don't mean in a romantic way, I just mean the relationship sounds a bit uneven. When you say you feel like he thinks his time is more valuable than yours and you never get to go on "planned" outings with him -- it's always his way or no way, it sounds like for him to be your friend, you're always having to give in. That would certainly make me angry.

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

When you say you feel like he thinks his time is more valuable than yours and you never get to go on "planned" outings with him -- it's always his way or no way, it sounds like for him to be your friend, you're always having to give in. That would certainly make me angry.

Sometimes I feel that way, but I don't know if it's the truth or if I'm just inferring that truth into the situation, you know? It's really easy for me to blow things out of proportion in my mind and then direct that anger at someone, upset that they just aren't "getting it" when they don't even know where the anger is coming from in the first place. I need to actually talk to him about it and ask him but so many of our fights have been prefaced by me texting him and saying, "Hey, can I talk to you when you have a chance?" that I just have to catch him when I can.