[Scorpio Eyes]

It's been a long time since I've posted. Probably, too long. Wonder if anyone'll remember me. *Sigh* Well, I might as well get started. Though, as a fair warning, I'm not going to mince my words. There may be some things within this post that will upset or trigger some of you; if you believe this may be you, please, don't continue. Suppose that's a fair disclaimer. I'd also like not to name anyone, so here's a list of acronymes I'll be using to describe the personae dramatica.

SO: My girlfriend aka Significant Other
Am: My best female friend.
Co: Am's boyfriend, my friend.
Al: My best male friend.
CW : A close friend.
De: A close friend.
Ch: An evil **** **** that needs to die.

I'm happier then I've ever been in my entire life, but I'm still miserable. My girlfriend is loving, understanding, supportive, and interesting. When we're together, I don't feel alone, or angry, or bored. But, I still feel empty. Hollow. Cold. My friends are the most wonderful people in the world, but, I haven't seen some in months, see some every few months, and when we do see each other, I'm worried that I'm taking advantage of them, they're losing patience with my eccentricity or illness, or that I'm simply not a good friend. I have a good job that pays well, I enjoy, and manages well for me. Every day I make too many mistakes, not because I'm unintelligent, unskilled, or anything of the sort: my everpresent anxiety and the creeping stress are affecting how I do my job. Not a day goes by where I don't expect my boss to come in and say I've been terminated. I daydream about quitting. If only because I'd be free of the anxiety. I want to say I have nothing to complain about, but I know that's not true. I'll always find something to make me miserable.

After my season ended at Target, back in January, I started a job search. Ended up picking up a job at a Kroger (regional supermarket, for those that don't kow - Publix or Winn-Dixie in the South, I do know). After three days of working third shift, the massive chaos in my interpersoal relationships, and just my general worsening of mental illness, I ended up in the mental ward for the third time. First this year, and first since July. That's where I met my girlfriend. I ended up getting fired from Kroger for a week of no-call/no-shows. Not that I really gave a damn. Two months later, I ended up picking up a nice little job at the local casino. Due to the ridiculously long list of rules I had to learn, I'm just not going to mention the name of the casino, the company that owns it, or even the place that I live. I'd rather not have HR on my *** for this. I work in the deli. Yeah, I'm a cook. My first ever job of this sort. Not sure whether I love it or hate it.

It's really not much to explain. The job is stressful, faster paced than anything I've ever been used to, requires constant effort and anxiety, my stress and anxiety pack on more and more all day, my co-workers and supervisors are constantly on my ***, I can't handle people screeching or snapping in my ear all ****ing day, especially when one of my supervisors is a little Korean lady with an accent thicker than my head. Am I racist? Not at all. I just grew up in a home where I was constantly belittled, insulted, demeaned, etc. in Spanish. So, I'm kind of sensitive when it comes to being harassed by someone I can barely understand. I come home wanting to cry, stab someone, or just fall into a coma. On top of it all, I had a vehicular accident in February and no longer have my Ford Ranger. A minivan hit me right in the nose, I bruised my skull, did a ton of damage to my muscles, but I managed to come out okay. Just short one pick-up truck. So, I'm constantly relying on other people for rides. The bus doesn't run during my hours at work. My father refuses to let me drive the vehicle he never uses, because he's home three days a month. And generally, it's just adding to the stress. Managed to get late once and miss another day. If I'm either or one more time, I get fired. Yay stress. On Friday, my best friend and I are going to the dealership I set an appointment up with. They sold the Mercury Mariner I wanted, so I'm a little upset about that, but the guy said they had a lot in my price-range and preferred style. I have to go through the bank for a finance loan, so that's even more stress. On top of it, I can't quit or lose my job until I manage to get this ****ing car and pay it off. Wow, even more stress. But, wait, there's more. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get approved for the loan. My credit is shot because of my medical bills. All of the stress. So, yes, my job is a major factor in my stress.

As far as my relationship with SO goes... well, it's complicated. We're very healthy, all things considered. I have BPD, PTSD, and Dysthmic Depression. She has BPD, PTSD, and Depression. We communicate and talk through things, make compromises, and try to understand each other. Honestly, I thank whatever God or gods may be for her. She saved me from my loneliness. She's dealing with trauma from two past relationships, one of which is her current husband. Yes, my girlfriend is six years my senior and married. Her father is a therapist, her brother is a priest, and her mom is just very scary; and they all hate the mere idea of me. I've met her husband, but assuming he's a complete and utter moron, he doesn't know we're together. And for those wondering, they're seperated and working on the divorce. I'm a terrible, disgusting, morally remiss, and spiritually abhorrent human being, but I have standards. I have trauma from my childhood of physical and emotional abuse and the past relationship with Ch I've mentioned here. On the subject of SO's family... well, they are very traditional and Christian and conservative. My therapist thinks my admitted condescension should be toned down, though. The fact she's married and we're having extra-marital / pre-marital / what-the-****-ever sex is really not something they approve of. They're seperated and he cheated on her first. Their displeasure at our relationship, including the fact we met in the psychiatric ward, is a massive stressor for both her and I. My past relationship with Ch is actually a massive emotional weight for me, to the point I lost control of my anxiety more than once. I ended up trying to exorcize the ghost of her memory by sending her a message telling her exactly why I never wanted to speak to or hear from her again. That turned into a short fight and now I don't have the same massive anxiety I did before. Her ghost is gone. This was Wednesday/Thursday. According to SO, though, I've been massivly on edge and not acting like myself. We ended up fighting the whole weekend. We'd have a misunderstanding, I'd snap and rant, she'd calm me down, we'd have make-up sex, I'd get over-sensitive, we'd have a misunderstanding, I'd snap and rant, she'd calm me down, we'd have make-up sex, and the cycle repeats. And yes, she expects me to have sex pretty much constantly. The response most people would say is "Not that I'm complaining." My medication has utterly destroyed my libido. That was a massive stressor and is still a great cause for my insecurity. I ended up going off the medication I was on that was exacerbating it and getting it changed with another. This new medication doesn't work half as good as the last. Not even close. That medication worked wonderfully and I felt fine. I can barely notice the effect these have. Last week, I ended up getting fed up and bought some pills I read about online. Herbs and supplements. Considering we had sex about twelve times over the weekend and I wasn't completely desensitized in the genital department, I'd call them a good investment. So, she and I pretty much agreed that the massive stress of her family, the little conflict with that **** **** Ch, my lack of medication, the stress from work, and a few other things is what drove me over the edge last week. She was kind and understanding and said that since I understand am so patient with her emotional baggage, she has no reason not to be with me. And she likes Star Wars. Can she be any more perfect?

As far as my friends go, my best friend Al is on leave from the Navy until next Wednesday. Aside from a little bitty thing of falling asleep and forgetting to pick me up from ****ing work last night, causing me to walk across the interstate to his house for almost an hour, at one in the morning... we're doing well. Sometimes I fear that he and Am think I'm taking advantage of them, which I am so terrified about I shower them with affection and understanding and the like. Because, I'm afraid of their opinion of me changing and me being abandoned. I haven't seen Am or Co in probably two months. She says they're just very busy with the move, but I'm paranoid to all Hell they're just pissed at me and don't want to speak with me, anymore. They're my friends and I love them. I don't want them to go. I confronted her, apologized for my douchebaggery, and asked her if she was upset and she swore up and down we're good, so I guess I'm just being paranoid and Borderline. Al and I hang out almost every day, since I see him twice a year. He's getting sent to California to work on F-18's, so it'll be quiet without him. His family is the closest thing I have to a supportive and loving family, which is just sad. De and CW and I hung out for the first time in two months, last week. The three of us, plus SO went to the movies. Saw Iron Man 3 and had a great time. CW is busy with full-time work and school, so I never see him. De and I are strained. For a lot of reasons. But I love them both and don't want things to change. They're everything to me. My friends are my world. Interpersonal relationships mean more to me than anything. I'm so terrified of losing them. They're all I have. They're all I need. They're all I want. That fear is an incredible stressor.

My therapist and I have been working on a lot. Noticing the constant splitting. Understanding the roundness of ideas and learning mindfulness. Working on a sense of equilibrium and proportionality with relationships. This is all stuff I've been working on. Yesterday he gave me some homework. Three steps. "What am I feeling? Why do I feel this? Is this feeling reasonable?" To help me navigate my warped perceptions of reality. Which, I truly, truly, truly want and need. My self-image is something I've been trying to work on, lately. I see myself as a monster, made of wrath and lust and pride. Of darkness and hate and fury. I've been called a sociopath, an inhuman monster, an emotionless, manipulative, evil psychopath, the Anti-Christ, the Devil; I've been called so many things by people I thought loved me. My best friends (not anymore), past loves (emphasis on past), my mother, her family, and my pretty much anyone related to me by blood. I refuse to be ashamed of being mentally ill. I refuse. Just flatly refuse. But, I'm beginning to accept myself as a creature of Darkness. A maelstrom of emotion. What's difficult is accepting the things that come with that. The aggression, assertiveness, self-respect, overt protective drive, tenacity, perserverence, creativity, and the will to fight and love and hate and willingness to go out into the world and do more than just cover my own ****ing ***. Darkness is half of everything. It's not Evil. The Light is just as Good and just as Evil as the Dark. The people who have made me who I am were sworn to Light, afterall. The part of me that's dominant and intelligent and brave and strong. I want to let that out. I'm afraid, though. Because, with it, comes the hatred, the anger, the fear, the sadness, and the warped reality. When things start warping, I can't always tell until it's too late. Accepting myself for who I am, the ill and the good... that's hard. Hell, I can't even accept myself for the good. I'm told I'm kind, gentle, loving, and noble. That I'm patient and honorable and loyal. I don't see it, anymore. Accepting the things I know to be true about myself. It's far harder than it should be. I may be a Demon in my eyes, right now. But, I know I'm a man. A man of darkness and all the burden that comes with, but a man of noble darkness, flawed and tortured like all others, a man who suffers and learns, and struggles; a man who never stops trying. I want to believe it. I know it's true. But, I don't know how.

All in all, I just don't know. I slept maybe six hours, so I'm going to go grab a bite to eat, maybe some eggs or something, then try and nap a little bit. Thanks for listening and I hope I'll be able to do something for some of you.

[avlady]

I read your whole post, you are not the Devil, you're just a man trying to make things work, especially through your mental condition. I am schitzoaffective, and i also refuse anyone calling me names etc... bringing me down by the stigma of it all. You sound like a creative person, and someone who is deep down a good person and strong. Just be yourself and take it with a grain of salt if someone thinks something about you that you don't like. Love yourself first, then you can work on your problems. We don't have to feel ashamed of our illnesses.