[SaraSkyblue]

I was diagnosed with BPD about two and a half months ago. Along with BPD I was diagnosed with Dysthymia, Depression, Social Phobia, and Attachment Disorder. I've got my plate full. I had always known I didn't view the world the same way everyone else did, but I refused to accept maybe I needed some help. Then about a year ago one of my closest friends told me maybe I needed to get on some medication. To this I had one of my worst episodes. Of course, this close friend left my life and I began to push everyone out of my life. Then I started falling into a very deep depression. Around January life had become so hard for me I could barely even get out of bed. I was losing friends left and right, mostly due to my own actions. I would go to work a zombie, I couldn't even focus on simple tasks, and would feel as though a breakdown was waiting at every corner. I would go home and self injure almost every night. I began to feel very suicidal so I finally decided maybe it was time to get some help. I made my appointment and waited. After I was diagnosed I felt like maybe there was a light at the end of this lonely tunnel. I knew what was wrong and I could do something about it! But, as it turns out...that's not how it works. Now I KNEW what my problems were, I read up on EVERYTHING I could get my fingers on about BPD, but I still couldn't find a way to change it. No matter how much I told myself "No, they DON'T hate you, they are just busy. This is your BPD that makes you think this way. They will talk to you when they have time." I still felt the same pain and rejection. The best way I found to explain it to people was- "Put your hand on a hot stove, now tell yourself it's not burning. Sure you may be able to convince yourself it doesn't hurt, but when you take your hand off the stove it will still be burnt." That's what it's like for me, and I'm guessing most other BPD's. I have been to one counselor appointment since being diagnosed. The people around me seem to feel that is enough that I should be better, I should be able to handle myself. But I can't. I feel hopeless. I was put on antidepressants when I was first diagnosed. I took them for a month. They calmed me down a bit, I wasn't SUPER happy or SUPER mad...but they didn't make me feel less depressed. Sometimes I would feel as though I had no emotion at all, this "empty" feeling made me feel even more depressed. It took all will and motivation out of me. I would wake up in the morning, not feel anything, and just lay there calm all day (I'm a VERY bubbly, loud, opinionated person....so "calm" was out of my norm). So I impulsively stopped taking my antidepressants and canceled all my psychiatrist appointments. I felt GREAT for a few days. I had so much energy, I felt happy, and everything in the world was WONDERFUL. Like for real, I was so happy it annoyed people, I couldn't sit still and was SO full of energy. This craziness continued until I went to visit my old town (after being diagnosed I moved in with a family friend, partially to help her, and so she could help me). And just seeing my old town ahead in the windshield was a trigger for me. Bye-bye happy, hello crash. And what did I decide to do with all these bad feelings I had? Drink them away, just as I used to in this old dumpy town. Then I walked around town, drunk. I ended up going home much sooner than planned because that town seemed to be my biggest trigger. But even after I got home I still felt this impulsivity to just be crazy. I was so depressed I wanted to run from myself. So I did, at 9pm at night, in a town I've only been in a month and don't know very well. I went to a friend's house I met online and we hung out. Then we drank, because that just seems to be the thing I do when I'm unhappy. After drinking myself into the ground I decided to WALK HOME. Yep. at 3am I was gonna walk home when I didn't even know how I got there in the first place. So I went outside and people across the street started talking to me, so I panicked, turning down any road that didn't have people. I began to have a complete panic attack when I realized I had NO CLUE where I was. I looked up and saw big buildings and cars zooming. I was terrified. So my next idea was to lay down on the bridge. I called a friend from my old town and told them what happened. They called the cops to get me home. Once I got home and went inside I though to myself...I REALLY need to get back on my medication. So I've been back on it for two days now, and I still feel helpless, alone, and I want nothing more than to give up. I feel like there is no way I could ever get past this. No one understands me, they all think it's in my head and that I can "just stop". There is no one I can go to for help, and I'm starting to wonder...what's the point? I'm crazy and I drive everyone away. No one can handle my emotional instability, not even me. I'm so depressed I can't handle it. My friend tried to take me to the park and I just laid in the parking lot until they took me away. Then I had a crazy episode and I don't think they will be talking to me anymore... Why do I do this to myself and other people? It feels like everyone hates me and is annoyed by me. I don't know what to do. I've been reading this site since I moved here, and it has really helped. Today was the day I decided I needed to register and post some of my own stuff. At this point it's the last thing I can think of. I have another counselors appointment tomorrow, but I don't know if I can make it until then. And I'm sorry this is so long. I just really needed to get this all out there. I know I need to keep moving and tackle this thing, but that is SO much easier said than done. I fight the feeling of giving up on myself all day everyday. I just don't know how much longer I can. I feel so alone, and I hurt so much. I try to help my close family and friends understand...but they just don't see things the way I do. I'm broken. They aren't. I feel like I have so many problems there is no hope for me. I feel like that's my main problem, I FEEL. I feel way too much. Someone just looks at me "wrong" and I want to just crawl in a hole and die. How long does it have to feel this way? How long until I can control myself and my feelings? How long before the world doesn't hurt so much? Thank you for listening, I really needed to get this out there.

-Sara

[Ithilanar]

Hey Sara. I really think it's awesome you found the courage to go and get your diagnosis and start councelling, I'm not even there yet.
I think all you can do is try and hold on until you can get to that appointment and they can give you some methods on how to control your anxiety. When people say 'it's all in your head', they're quite right, but not the way they think. It's like a cognitive disorder but not one that you can just control, no. But at least it means you might be able to learn how to suppress it to some extent, and soon!
You aren't as lost as you think you are, you've taken a really important step and gotten yourself help and despite hitting rock bottom several times you still keep trying and finding out how to manage it all. I think that's pretty awesome. You still find strength even after losing your friends and I know how tough that can be. I really hope this forum can help quell some of your loneliness, because there are people here who can at least understand what you're going through and how it feels to be completely overwhelmed by your emotions. Just hang in there! I think you've gotten really far already, you just need to take a few more steps. Hopefully one day you'll be strong enough for a steady walk.

[SaraSkyblue]

Originally Posted by Ithilanar

Hey Sara. I really think it's awesome you found the courage to go and get your diagnosis and start councelling, I'm not even there yet.
I think all you can do is try and hold on until you can get to that appointment and they can give you some methods on how to control your anxiety. When people say 'it's all in your head', they're quite right, but not the way they think. It's like a cognitive disorder but not one that you can just control, no. But at least it means you might be able to learn how to suppress it to some extent, and soon!
You aren't as lost as you think you are, you've taken a really important step and gotten yourself help and despite hitting rock bottom several times you still keep trying and finding out how to manage it all. I think that's pretty awesome. You still find strength even after losing your friends and I know how tough that can be. I really hope this forum can help quell some of your loneliness, because there are people here who can at least understand what you're going through and how it feels to be completely overwhelmed by your emotions. Just hang in there! I think you've gotten really far already, you just need to take a few more steps. Hopefully one day you'll be strong enough for a steady walk.

Thank you, and sorry it was so long .-. And I know I need to train this thinking out of my brain, but the thought is just so overwhelming! I'm the kind of person who wants results now, so I CAN have normal, healthy relationships with people. I can't seem to manage to keep people around for more than a few months- a year tops. This is such a hard struggle :C