I feel like I am the living, walking, non-text version of, “I hate you Don’t Leave Me.”

I am adopted and my birthday was just a few weeks ago and they are always tough for me. I have an open adoption (unfortunately in this case) and my birth mom enjoys dropping in and out of my life whenever she feels like it. On top of that, as I’ve mentioned before, I have a very un supportive adoptive family.

In my first post I talked a little about how I was married VERY young and was abused terribly by my (now ex) husband. After this happened, I was diagnosed with BPD though Dr’s argued a lot if it was PTSD or BPD.
After a lot of DBT, EMDR, counseling, and NO meds, life was on-track, I didn’t have any angry outbursts, I was self-sufficient and therefore not worried about being left or abandoned and had a great job and a great boyfriend (after more than a year and a half of not seeing anyone to try and break the dependence cycle).

Like I said before in a previous post, 6 months ago I found out that my (now fiancé!) was watching porn and lying about it. I realize that to many people this may not be a deal and trust me I totally respect your views and am not here to say porn is bad for everyone. We’re both very involved in our church (he was on staff prior to this happening) and porn is something that is not tolerated as it’s viewed as adultery.

Even though I’ve made mistakes in my past, it hurt me that someone who seemed so fantastic lied to me. It would be one thing to say, “I am struggling with pornography”. What happened with him was that before we began dating (now 2 years ago) I was up front about my past marriage and what I wanted for my future and we made sure we were on the same page with our boundaries (Porn included). During this time we had many conversations about adultery, porn, etc. and he even talked about being anti-porn to other people at church.

When it came out he had been doing this, it’s like all the progress I made went away. I am having angry outburst, I have broken seriously more than 10,000$ in guitar and music equipment of his, I have even been physical. Yes, I am ashamed and yes I hate myself for it.

We were supposed to get married this fall and have postponed it.
I cannot seem to get over this. In my mind “everything” is ruined because “everything” was based on the lie that he wasn’t doing that. Maybe this is hard for some people to understand but I feel like the proposal was tainted – it was on false terms. I feel like the ring is tainted – it reminds me of hurt.
He’s gone on business right now for a week and I told him it was over yet in my mind I knew it wasn’t going to be but convinced him it was.
On top of that, during the time that I was saying all of that I was still doing wedding planning crap!

I don’t understand myself! I feel so out of control and hopeless. I thought this was over. I guess I proved to myself I do have a problem and I guess I can never be married or have a SO because as soon as someone is not “trustworthy” in my eyes I assume they will hurt me and see how far I can push them until they go away.

This person has never treated me poorly (or even batted an eye when I broke things!!!) but I just see this as un forgivable. But then I jump back to “What YOU have done is unforgivable! At least he made changes! Half a year later you’re still having crazy outburst.”
I really, really don’t like myself anymore.

[shortandcute]

I'm sorry that you're going thru this. Being engaged can be stressful anyway, even if everything is going well. Lots of hugs to you, and I hope you can get this sorted out.