[SweetPeaSEB]

Hi. Im new here. I was diagnosed with BPD several months ago. Ive struggled for a much much longer time with it, but about a year ago my symptoms started to become crippling. I began having panic attacks almost daily at work. After my initial panic, i realised i was driving myself to that point. That what was meant as constructive critcism was suddenly throwing me over the edge. The worse i got the more aware of how long this had been going on and how intense. Id always known i had panic disorder with bouts of depression but no one had ever told me about BPD. I suppose thats cause they are only just learning more and more info on it. I always thought i could take mind over matter, i could beat my depression on my own, all i had to do was get over stinking thinking and start looking on a positive side of things. But as i was saying, i was getting much worse and very quickly. Finally shortly after i quit my job i decide to seek out help. It didnt take me talking and describing my symptoms for long for my T to be able to tell i was suffering from BPD. Oh good finally an answer. I was hitting the charts pretty hard too, meeting much of the criteria for BPD. My next appt was supposed to be my med appt. I see a different therapist who agrees that if im concerned about taking meds, shes all about keeping as many her patients off of them as possible. Cool i think at the time. Now all i have to do, is do enough research to learn how to self treat myself. after all, this is just a personality flaw right. an area where i have became weak in life. i need to learn how to build up a strong personality that doesnt break at the first sign of trouble. (no people, this is not how i truely feel, this is just some of my crazy thinking i was doing at the time to justify not getting any help so please no one take offense. im being honest about my lies to myself and thanks for letting me get this out). The only problem with my idea on doing all this research and such, well is that apparently theres that symptom where u wanna do a great idea with good intentions but then u loose interest just as fast and drop it. So its took several months for me to do enough research and reading to realise just how severe this very well might be. that i might have been playing with fire. things way beyond my control and my understanding. I think my whole fear with it all for the longest time, my mother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and theres the part of BPD where i do feel paranoid at times and will think people are conspiring against me. i was so afraid this might be the first stages of something way worse. Now as ive read more i know now that, thats not whats going on at all. But what is going on is something that i do need for someone to understand and help me with. the only problem with that is ive recently lost my medical insurance so now im hoping maybe a support group would at least be better than suffering in silence. I have three kids who i worry daily are affected in one way or another by the fact that i suffer from this. esp with my ability to concentrate or remember things. im never able to keep appts and then if im late or miss an appt im too anxious by the screw up to be able to fix it. im noticing more and more of my life and how its being greatly impaired by what im going through. not to mention all the crap and the emotions im sure my husband has to go through by living with me. most days i dont know how he deals with it. he is good for letting me feel and say whatever i feel and need to say, theres areas of our marriage though that i know hes deeply scarred. most the time im sure he feels very unloved. ive gotten to where i started telling him, even before i was diagnosed with the bpd, that i very much loved him and didnt understand why at times i would push him away. now ive learned that thats a common issue. but at the same time, he doesnt say much about my bpd diagnoses. not much at all. as matter of fact, no one gives me much of an opnion. i once felt very blown off by a church member who is also a counsler and i told her about my diagnoses, not at all asking for help but a conversation for a whole complete different reason, but afterwards she def maintained a huge distance. at most, thats the most anyone has acknowledged my sufferings. maybe im too open about it, too fast to want to or need to talk to someone, anyone who understands. i dont know. Im just really unsure what my next step is or should be. i just know, i need to be taking some sort of step. I have these moments of happiness, not to the point of mania or the hypomania or whatever the term was but just these moments of great happiness. nothing in the world could go wrong, im extremely positive on these days, extemely happy. almost a social butterfly. it gives me something to wanna keep fighting for. to be able to believe in myself and do somegthing better in my life. to create a better world for my family. but it never fails. what goes up also must come down. the down days are always right behind the good. i cant motivate. exhaustion consumes me. the world around me seems dark and gloomy. i dont want to talk to hardly anyone and if you say the wrong thing at the wrong moment then u very well may break me. well people im tired. ive been tired for a very long time. theres also numbness. this being my most consistent feeling. numb to the world around me. its not even real. its a cycle of never ending of going through daily routines. but when im numb the fears not their. i dont have to worry if what people say will hurt me. ill become numb to anyone who i have let get too close and may judge me, i assume the same way i judge myself. i just feel all these different cycles of things and my world either feels numb or spiraled out of control and the people around me say nothing. like im just crazy for saying i feel this way and that i have this diagnoses. im not. i have a very good heart and i would do anything for anyone in the world. i just hurt and im just tired and i just need to know thats somewheres i can get this all out. this is step one. my very very first step so i know ive rambled and i know i sound like im trying to say everything all at once but maybe just maybe im getting that desperate to just need to find someway to start coping and finding positive ways to deal. thanks

[shortandcute]

Lots of hugs to you, and wlecome to PC.

[ReddSN]

Do you feel any better having gotten that out? Like you said its a great first step, and the first step is often the hardest. ((hugs))